Friday, 5 June 2009

Wedding Blues

* Tired. Inadequate. Fed up. Zoned out. Accepting. These are the words I would use right now to describe how I’m feeling…

(I have just arrived at Dee’s parents’ house, alone, after being at the wedding since 1pm. The wedding was glorious – everyone looked fantastic, the ceremony was beautiful…. Etc, etc…All the usual stuff.)

These are the reasons I feel each of the above.*

TIRED: I’ve been up since 06.45. I travelled up to Yorkshire from London.( Dee was already here.) Then I had to find my way to a country house in the middle of god knows where – change, and wait for the wedding party to start arriving.
I’ve also drunk way too much coffee – and now I have that downer that comes with that.
INADEQUATE: Because I was not boozing like the rest of them at the wedding. I really wanted to join the crowd and do what everyone else seemed to be doing. I couldn’t stay there a minute longer so I left a few minutes ago. Earlier I had an anxiety attack, I felt a failure for not being able to drink, plus I’d spent too much tome alone or with people I don’t know since Dee was doing his best man duty. I went to the wedding to support him. I already knew that before I agreed to come.
FED UP: With myself for feeling like I do. Fed up of abstinence playing a role in my life when it comes to these kind of situations – which thankfully aren’t too frequent.

ZONED OUT: See above statements about ‘too much coffee’ and ‘I’ve been up since 06.45’. PLUS – It’s a real effort for me to talk to people non-stop for hours on end. It’s just not me. I like to be quiet. I like to go into somewhere, charm the pants off the hosts then leave the moment I’m ready to.

ACCEPTING: That actually it’s fucking annoying ( at times) that I don’t drink, and like tonight I have to remind myself why I don’t.

OK, I could knock it back with the rest of them and I won’t necessarily end up in trouble – not straight away. I mean lots of people start bickering when drunk, right? Lots of people start get abusive and rude…I would definitely end up with a bad hangover – but all that is normal isn’t it?

It happens every night, every week in every town. So what’s different about me, and how it affects me?

** Well, when I drink I take drugs. And when I take drugs I sell my ass. And when I sell my ass I hate myself. And when I hate myself I drink more. And when I drink more I sniff more. And when I sniff more I need more money. And when I need money I fuck men. And when I fuck men and get paid for it I wish myself dead.

So don’t take drugs when I drink? I don’t know how not to… Remember chemicals, to me, are all the same… And the only way of stopping that itch once it's begun is getting blitzed. If that takes and hour, a day, three days. Whatever. If that means, alcohol, drugs, sex, as much as I can do until the thirst is quenched.
I’m with it till the end.
Did I say I wish myself inadequate just now?
Like I said, I think I need to remind myself some times what feeling inadequate is really about.
See paragraph about ‘Accepting’**.