Sunday, 10 October 2010

A blue roller coaster ride.

God, it's been a while. Again, I've been absent. Well, only partially. On Facebook I've been trying to stay around - but this blog has been somewhat pushed to the side because of working on my second book. That, plus I've been riding on a mostly unpleasant roller-coaster ride with Blue.

Yep, no surprises for you there then, eh? What can I do? That is a rhetorical question by the way. I love him. I want us to be together. Does he love me? Yes, I'm sure he does. Does he want us to be together? Well, this is the question...

I believe he wants us, but he feels that he cannot cope. I hate that expression 'I can't cope.' It reminds me of my father's words to me when I was younger, and I kept continuously hurting him. Those words really cut into my heart.

Blue has been through the same shit as I have, in terms of drugs. And he is going through a change process, just like me.The difference is he's 2.5 years in. And although the process is the same - because I've been abstinent now for 6.5 years - there is a discrepancy in our own personal developments.

Recovering from an addiction encompasses far, far, far more changes than simply stopping using drugs and stopping drinking.That's the easy part. Anyone can do that.
However, there must be an inherent change in ones thinking, lifestyle, behaviours, friends, everything.

Everything changes and everything must change. Well, in a situation like what Blue and I came from, then everything must change. Neither of us had partners, children, careers or any form of stability. So we both have started our journey's at ground zero.
Changing ones whole life is a terrifying prospect - especially when you don't know what the hell you're walking into. You have no skills, no 'clean' friends, no settled home, a family that is heart broken by past behaviours.

There's so, so many questions and fears around the future. What will happen with basics such as housing? work? Arrgh - work! What's that? What will I do? What can I do? what about day-to day activities?
Fuck, it's hard. And on top of the practicalities - one must deal with their exaggerated emotions which seem to swing from one extreme to another. For years, you're numb - and then bang! you come to life, and its frightening.

All this takes years to re-align. And that's where Blue is - still re-aligning. All recovering addicts and alcoholics are continually vigilant about their behaviours. But after a few years this becomes more habitual and less of a struggle. As routine, structure and personal confidence grows then day-to-day life and emotions start to balance, more and the frustrating thing is that there is nothing except determination and time that can speed this process up.

Ahhh, well, no one said it would be easy. And they were right.