Tuesday, 12 October 2010

My Epiphany.

OK, so I put as my Facebook status this morning that late last night I had an epiphany.... well, I did.

I’ve realised that somewhere along the line I stopped seeing Blue as an addict in recovery, but rather selfishly, as a man, my boyfriend, who wasn’t giving me what I wanted when I wanted it.
Bizarrely and rather embarrassingly I seem to have totally cast aside the fact that he has suffered and continues to suffer the same emotional hardships ( and probably more, since he’s at an earlier stage in his recovery process) as I have done and do.

Now, this is the bit that I feel really bad about...

For want of a better way of putting – I am a little further down the recovery path than Blue – and for me to have wanted, expected, and hoped that Blue could and would to be how and where I want and need him to be, in order for us to be together, is highly unrealistic, totally unfair and incredibly selfish.

There I am after 6.5 years of sobriety expecting someone who is 2.5 years into their recovery to be ahead of where he naturally is. I feel bad about this. I wonder where inside me this pushiness has come from, but I’m not going to analyse it. I’m not perfect. I’ve made a mistake yet my intention was never bad. I must just let go of any ideas of us being in any type of relationship other than friendship - and finally I now feel that I am able to. Something has clicked and I realise what has been happening and with that come relief and some peace.