Monday, 11 January 2010

True Blue & Daddy Too.

I’ve had a glorious weekend tra la la la laa... I’m happy. OK, so Blue and I had our dispute last night which lasted all of 15 minutes -11 minutes of which were spent in silence. That’s when I wrote that minuscule post. The whole thing was silly. I was tired and I get waspish when I’m tired or hungry. Not too dissimilar to a baby, actually... Blue and I had just spent three perfect nights together and two whole days – and then I got arsy about a minor something. Blue is an analyst and because he didn’t just give me a simple answer to what I saw as a simple question – I got impatient and ratty. He is not an arguer, so after a few minutes silence we looked at each other and started chuckling. We smooched then lay on the sofa and he massaged my hands as we discussed the problem properly and sorted it out within moments.
I don’t want to bleat on about how good things are between us – oh, OK then, I will. Nah, I won’t ! You’ll want to throw up if I do! I’ll just say that things are significantly better than they ever were. The thing is, Blue has changed somehow. God only knows that I understand fully how long and difficult choosing a conscious path of change, is – but it’s true that I’m experiencing Blue differently to how things were before our breakup. Perhaps he hasn’t changed at all - perhaps I have, maybe we both have. Whatever the case, for today – and today is all we have - we’ve both changed and things are happier and happy. I don’t feel as though I am giving, giving, giving with very little back any longer. I have been getting everything back that I’ve been giving. And by that I mean emotionally.
We clearly love each other. That wasn't really the question - the issue I had before was that I felt he didn't show me how he loved me. I heard his words but that just isn't' enough. I'm not a teenager or an idiot. Boy Blue is converting the words into actions. In fact we’ve barely told each other that we love each other, of late. I've certainly not been saying it.
I'm still waiting to see how things go.

Like everyone we’re both just trying to muddle our way through our lives the best we can – and things cannot be perfect all the time or instantly. We’re doing good and I hope it continues, and if it doesn’t I’m not going to fall apart. I won’t because I won’t allow myself to. Well, I say this now – but if we were married with children and then he left me – then yeah,I’m sure I would crumble into numerous tiny pieces. But we’re nowhere near any of that stuff yet so I’m not going to concern myself with that stuff. As I said, today is all we have.

I spoke to daddy earlier who’s still hibernating from the ice and cold. My step-mama and he are both looking forward to visiting London in two weeks. I’m looking forward to it too. It's nice when we talk. We’re all very open. Our relationship is good. I don’t have to keep secrets from Pappy, thank God. There is nothing that my father doesn’t know about me, and there is nothing that he doesn’t forgive me for. So when I talk to him about Blue – both daddy and his wife do not judge or worry about his past. They accept that I am trying every day to be a better person than I was the day before and that I wouldn't be with someone who hasn't got something special. They are accepting of me and they trust my judgements. And that is a great leveller for me. At times like last night when I have a minor bicker with my boyfriend, I try to remember to breath – and think about what I have in my life (albeit on the surface it appears to be little), and I realise just how lucky I am that I am free from my shackles and that daddy loves me.
Step-ma really wants to meet Blue. She loves a nosey. Good on her! I'm sure she'll get her desire. I’ve rarely introduced boyfriends to the two of them and when I have that's when they know that plans are being made.

My father is healthy and he told me today that he is proud of me, and he’s proud of the woman I am growing into. And that is immeasurable. Despite everything they both leave the past where it belongs and by some mystical gift from God - they still manage to look to the future with hope, and no matter what – nothing can beat that.