Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Moaning Mini

Dear Cosmos – I am placing my order for you to let me know clearly what will make me happy in my life. And by that I am mean, things that I can cope with which will enable me to be comfortable with myself and not cringe when I look in the mirror.
As you know, dear Universe I am more than capable of getting myself into situations that will have you spinning on your axis and wondering WTF?

You see the thing is I know what I want in some respects – to write successful books, to align myself with a couple of worthy causes, to feel content, to be a better friend, to manage to get through January without using my damn hair straighteners which are wrecking my hair.
My problems (and there are many, my friends) come when I try to align myself with another person. Anything to do with another human being i.e. a man (within the context of a relationship) and it all becomes hazy.

All may be alright if it wasn’t that I want things in my life that involve having a partner – primarily children, marriage, unique camaraderie. Now, these things are all well and good – but because I am fickle, it seems, I seem to be having a problem achieving these goals. It’s weird, cos I am madly intense, passionate, fiery, yet very calm, soft, passive. I change like the wind and what I feel I want in one moment changes dramatically the next. It’s tres confusing at times. I don’t want to wake up one day aged 50 and wonder why I’ve spent the whole of my younger years questioning and not fulfilling.
I also don’t want to be a single parent – I was raised in a single parent family and I wish for my child ( ideally) to have two folks at home. But the idea of being attached to one person for bloody years is frightening! (You know me I’m used to doing it in twos.... bigamy alert! Oops. That’s all in the past, now) Although it can be romantic on a good day. But tell me, who in the name of God is interesting enough to be with exclusively for years and years? Is that where this ‘working at it’ comes into action? Zzzzz...

Take Blue – I’d marry him next week. I’m easy like that (stating the obvious there) but he wouldn’t marry me next week. He's too much of a realist. 'Realist' or
'spoil sport?'

"I was joking P.C Plodd. Honest."

Blue likes a little more ‘getting to know each other’ time and having this and that in place first (financially.)
Between us we do have a pot to piss in – but that pot is currently empty; of money and urine.

God, I'm a whingy cow-bag tonight.

Do you know where these thoughts have sprung from? Of course you don't know – you’re not a mind reader...

Last night Blue told me that he is doing an add-on course as part of his acting training. It is for two hours on a Sunday. He’s aware (progress) that it eats into the only full day we get with each other and so he’s reluctant to do it ( ahh, told you he's changing)
But the fact is, I'm aware that it would be good for him to do it (very grown up, me *coughs*) BUT ( and we all know the word ' But' cancels out what has preceded it) this has pissed me off, and I’m wondering if I will be able to commit to something/someone when I fear that my needs may not be met. He’s adorable and I know he doesn't want to lose me again. I know that this time and he’s really trying to make me understand that he wants me (and I do understand) but perhaps, just maybe this won’t work.
*Mystic Meg strikes again*

You see, I’m annoyed with myself for flinching as soon as I get wind of possible trouble ahead. 'Trouble' in the form of me not spending enough time with my fella... But like I said I'm no mind reader and nothing bad has happened. And it's unlikely to... the only thing that may happen will be that we don't work out a way to spend a couple of nights together a week and I continue to sulk - then we fall apart. For the gazillionth time.

Le problem, mi amigos is this:
I. Need. To.Spend. Regular. Time. With. A. Man. That. I'm.Into.


But when two people are trying to carve out their individual (creative)futures and so much bending is required to accommodate one another's obsessions around their individual desires, I question just how much I can or I’m willing to bend. I am not willing to relinquish my own desires and happiness for this. Certainly not. I’ve lived in misery for too many years to hand my regular peace of mind to another.
During the time Blue and I split up I wondered if indeed it’d be far more fun to dabble here there and wherever I want to, with no commitment. Then I wake up and admit that I’m too emotional to do that. Poop! I can’t believe I was a bloody hooker! How? I can’t do casual sex - unless it’s a hit and run. One night only – then I’m OK. But any of that texting malarky and flirting after the event and I start getting attached. It’s bollocks, it really is. I thought I was a sassy woman with enough experience to put aside minor emotional issues such as other people. I mean, in defense of my sass, I don’t get majorly ‘attached,’ just a bit, and I’m certainly not clingy. But the lucky recipient of my punani lives in my head rent-free for too long. Wouldn't life be easier if we went back to a time of chaperones and courtships that were arranged by desperate mothers who lived to see their daughters marrying 'up.' Bah-humbug.
I sound like such a sap. Look – I’ve still got it in me; the ability to do what the hell I want and " if y'all don’t like it, well.... talk to the hand, aiiight!"
*Wanders off sheepishly*

Actually I don’t have that ability, really. Not to the extent I’d like anyway.

Hmm... in fact I don't actually know what the hell I’d like. No, actually I do.
But I want it, how I want it, when I want it, and it’s always other people that throw stupid spanners in my works and tell me that it’s reckless to do things hastily and I must take time and slow down.