Thursday, 14 January 2010

I am fu**ing furious / am I being selfish?

So – I am in a quandary and I need your help ... I can’t decided whether I should take my usual stance of integrity and not tell you what is pissing me off, or whether I should just go for it...I think I will just go for it.
I’ll try and keep it as simple as possible – which you know will be very difficult for me and I will try even through my anger to just tell you the facts, without loading it to make me sound betrayed, which is how I feel.

Current mood: fury mixed with intense anxiety. I haven’t eaten all damn day.
Reason? Blue.

There is a girl. Blue had a fling with her, of sorts, when he first left rehab 18 months ago. Before we ever met. They had no chemistry – she was cold as ice and he was nervous as hell – so all in all it was disastrous, he tells me. I believe him. Regardless of this he got quite attached to this girl. I’ve seen a photo of her – she’s very pretty and like so many men – I think he stupidly got hypnotized by that.
When they were ‘seeing’ each other, Blue wanted her to show him affection and she was unable to– she had her own shit to deal with, and simply put they weren’t right for each other. This attempt at a relationship went on for around 2 month, with apparently awkward attempts at sex occurring 3 or 4 times. I don't remember. The two of them ended up just hanging out more than screwing. It’#s a hellish time when one leave rehab. Everything is magnified and you’re a nervous wreck as a rule. This girl lives abroad – but I have found out today that she is currently in London. She is a recovering addict too – and last night she relapsed. She took drugs again after a few years abstinence and in her panic who did she call? No – not Ghost Busters – instead she called Blue. Why?
I knew they have occasional contact on facebook – but this? She fucking relapses and she calls Blue? So, my dear Blue who understand that our ‘new’ relationship is fragile and we’re both insecure so we must be vigilant with regards considering one another's feelings, agrees to take her to an NA meeting today.
Come lunch time when he was meant to meet her - he called and her phone was off. So that was that.
I happened to call Blue to see if he wanted to meet for lunch, unaware of any of this and that’s when he told me about what had happened. WTF? OK, she relapsed. Surely she has other friends in London that she could have contacted? ‘No one she trusts enough to let them know that she used drugs again’ says Blue. OK, I understand that she doens’t want all and sundry to know about her current situation –BUT - WTF?? 'No one at all other than Blue that she fucking trusts?'

Nah, I ain’t having this – “If you go with her to a meeting, I’m telling you, that will be a sign to me that you want nothing more to do with me.” I barked at him. “Take that as a threat or whatever you want – It’s a fair warning. I feel like you’re taking the fucking piss out of me.” I stormed out of the cafe.
OK I get that the girl needs help – but honestly? I think Blue should put my insecurities first and he should have advised her to contact someone else – someone that they both know, instead of him arranging to meet her today. If she had picked up her phone at lunch time I wouldn’t have known he was meeting her until afterwards. That behaviour is meant to be off limits within the realms of our relationship. He would argue that this woman was distressed – therefore he has to help another ‘addict’ who is asking for help. This is the real fucking worl mate. I hear you, I really do - but you know I'd hate it... so why did you just go ahead?
She's not a kid. She's lived in London for years before this. She knows the coup with regards meeings... She knows people from NA - there is simply not an iota of doubt about that.
I’m fucking angry. After everything ...
To me this shows an acute inability that Blue has to prioritise. That or he's tottally disregarded my feelings.
I think my feelings should have come first. I am resolute that he should have got someone else to take her to a meeting.

Now, my second quandary. Am I being a selfish shit?? Blue seems to think so, and maybe I am – but I reckon he’s saying that to point the finger at me instead of having the fucking humility to tell me that he understand why I feel that he has been sneaky.
A friend of mine ( who i've slept with, so it's the same situation as Blue and this girl ) relapsed recently and I didn't meet him. I gave him advise and told him who to call. I didn't meet him because Blue’s feelings are my priority. That may sound hardcore to you. To me, it’s about prioritising.

I’m fucking angry as hell. I’m not one of those people that cools down and starts idealising a relationship which has combusted. Hell no – I get angrier for a while – then I become indifferent – but I never glorify.

Blue, in my opinion has acted like a short sighted puppy dog who clearly has forgotten who feeds him.
“ Go chase the relapse, maybe you’ll rescue her and she’ll fall into your arms.” I text him afterwards.
He text back that I am selfish and he doesn’t want that in his life – ‘I'm astounded by your lack of empathy. don’t text me back.’ He added.

Don’t worry, I won’t.