Friday, 29 January 2010

Self Indulgent - Moi ?

Who are you? Do you even know? I mean, do you really know? Do you change quickly? OK, maybe like me, your core values remain the same –(and yes, I do have them despite a wayward past!) but do you see yourself differently from day to day? Does your mood change quickly? Mine can. Usually by me allowing other people too much power over my feelings.
Could you say that you’re happy most of the time? Perpetually depressed? Always grouchy? Always upbeat? OK, I could probably say I’m always frisky ... and no doubt, you’d agree that you are too, eh, but that probably wouldn't be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I’ve just posted a photo of me smiling. I look happy. I often see myself objectively, in fact more often than not. I see the photo and it makes me sad. Of course, that sadness is about my past. The lost innocence thing.
I deeply regret having lived how I did and doing the things that I did. I don’t live in the regret – absolutely not – but if I could turn back time and change things would I; even it it meant that I would have less understanding of people, suffering, and life? And what if, say, I would swap who I am today and become more of an arsehole. Would I still go back and change things?

Damn right I would. I would change the lot!

I want to be able to look at an up-to-date photo of me looking happy and be able to embrace it for what it is, instead of feeling glum that I fucked up. Yeah, I know, I know I’m fighting back, I know that – but really, you will never understand the ricochet effect my past has had on my whole life; my father’s life, my perceptions. Everything has been tainted by it. Everything. This is one hangover that will take years to rectify, if ever.

I find it all rather sad. Not that it’s me. But that someone can do that to themselves. There is still a little girl inside me (you can see in the smile that is poking from the photo)and it makes me want to cry thinking about how that little girl was loved dearly by my father – and yet I crumpled on everything he created and everything that I was and was growing to be.

But, my loves, as I’ve been told numerous times in past therapy sessions, I am no longer that little girl. Yeah, she’s around, very much some times! But it is Clare, the woman who dominates today. (I keep telling myself this, maybe I’ll start to believe it sometime, then act it.) And I need to remind myself that Clare the woman, is entitled to smile inspite of past dodginess. I’ve analysed the arse out of myself for years and today I wouldn’t go to a therapist if they paid me. I’m therapied out, for the time being, and I need to focus on moving forward not always looking back.
This kind of chat, here, is very self indulgent and must come across as an egotistical so-and so. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. Who knows? I’ve no doubts that you’d do the same if you were writing a blog about your own life. Justify me!

But ultimately, as I’ve said before with regards to everything in life – I guess:
‘The people that matter don’t mind. The people that mind, don’t matter’
Hear hear!