Saturday, 8 August 2009

The Bitch in me.

I’m so excited about moving house. I am sitting here at home listening to a song which i listened to rather obsessively when I was initially writing Hooked. It reminds me of good times. I was living in a flat which was more homely than the one I live in now (which is stark and overly modern for my liking) but the last flat was similar to the one I’m moving to.

I am very bloody excited about the future. I keep getting huge waves of elation. I am very lucky, but I tell you something amigos: I try. I really try. I don’t sit back and let my desires pass by. I am proactive and I guess I am gaining rewards for that. Let’s see... I still haven’t signed the publishing contract yet. Although I should be next week. And you know what follows? The Benjamins! Moolar! Dosh! Doe! Money! Cash! Spondoolies! Paper! Dollar! Whatever you call it – its the stuff that enables me a little freedom of choice.
I’m going out tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Worked today – play tomorrow. Getting picked up at 1pm for lunch with a friend and a spot of shopping.

Earlier, when Blue and I talked and ended our ‘thing’, he suggested that we meet tomorrow, instead of sticking to our plan of today.
I wasn’t prepared to do this because his reason was - he’d gone to bed at 4 or 5am and wanted to rest. That’s not my problem – him getting home at that time. When two people first meet – even if you have no sleep you want to be with the person, right? OR you get yo ass home so you're fresh for the next day. This is not just a female thing. Men do this stuff too. I know they do... Err, i think it's called enthusiasm... prioritising...

Blue didn’t want to leave his house, he said,and he didn't want to feel ‘obliged’ to come and see me. God, I couldn’t think of anything worse than a guy feeling ‘obliged’ to come and see me. If he simply doesn’t feel like seeing me – the best thing he can do, is what he did, and stay away. For good. Unless there's a respectable reason for him canceling. Sleeping at 5am is not a good reason - that's just called - not thinking, not caring, bad time management, unorganised, insomnia. All of the above are unacceptable except of course insomnia which is not a choice.

Blue, of course will think I am selfish, or maybe he doesn’t care enough to think anything, because he's already proven that he doesn't think past his own point of view. Take his birthday - he couldn't see his part in our disagreement. Alarm bells rang for me when I realised that.

This was not the Blue show. We were supposed to be having a mutually beneficial exchange which most flings,things, liaisons or relationships should be, surely. Yeah, ok most of the time he was fine about meeting. But in these early stages to be bring that ‘I’m tired‘ shit to my door, is frankly a sign of not enough desire or care for my feelings. Oh, as for mutually beneficial if I was going to be a real bitch there's plenty more I could say about that aspect of things but I won't undignify myself.

He’s clearly used to women who put up with this bollocks or women that don't give a shit about him. He's told me that. Someone being sweet is not his thing. Not my problem.
I’m used to thoughtful men who cherish me, and I in turn cherish them. I’m not sure if because I expressed vulnerability and showed kindness and coyness that he thought I was some kind of ‘pick-her-up-and-drop-her whenever I want’ girl and that I’d constantly be there. Err, not so. Just because I tell you I love you and look at you with affection, does not mean I have lost my senses.

I’m tough and don’t tolerate thoughtlessness, since I will always think about you - first probably. If I tell you I care about you. I also show it. When i say I care, it's because I do; and I don't dish out that stuff liberally. I have too valuable a soul to hand it out willy-nilly. So when I tell you I care about you, love you, I am offering you a piece of my soul. And when you behave in a way that makes me think that you don't care like I do - then I take my soul back because I don't want you to damage it. It's the most precious thing I have.
Must you care for me in the same way as I care for you?
I deserve that.
Surely that's not self-less love, then?
Why would I care for you selflessly (especially when we've just met) if I'm not getting the same back? I'm not your mother.

And why do so many people, men in particular think that just 'cos you show a girl a good time in bed she will be hooked on you and be ridiculously pliable.
When I tell you that this is the best sex of my life and I mean it - this doesn't mean that I will allow you to treat me in any other way than totally respectfully.
When i cook you food, run us baths and tell you (maybe too often) how wonderful you are (cos i know you need to hear it)- that doesn't mean that the deal is in the bag so, you can call all the shots.

I agree to a point that sex can be massively powerful – But lest we never forget - I used to be a hooker for Christ’s sake. Amazing sex, alone, will not keep me. And it certainly wasn't/isn't about money - he doesn't have any. None. And that's not an issue for me.
But I do run a tight ship with regards loyality, care, kindness, integrity, thoughtfullness and if that sounds scarey to you - then maybe you're with the wrong person.

Ahh, the joys of early recovery. The joys of not really thinking about other people, just yourself. I don't envy him. As I told you he's about 16 months into sobriety. At that stage things are still a shambles and because you're just grateful to not be living as you were before - you don't realise.
Besides, how can you know how much better things will get until you're there...I don't regard myself as a mug for having this fling, although some people would thing that I was - but I am thankful this has re-iterated why I don't and will never be involved with another recovering addict.
They're a pain in the ass. Most of them, myself included.

As I've written in the book, I would not wish the first 2 years of sobriety on someone I dislike. Ones mind may be more steady - but all the external stuff, housing, job, money, structure, focus, ambition remains largely removed from ones life at this time. It's just a really really difficult time. You come from nothing but chaos, at least I did, so it takes a long time to really integrate into society. But don't get me wrong, despite this I would have stuck around if only Blue had shown me something more than decent sex.

I have too much going for me to hassle myself with someone who is unreliable or worse still doesn’t care enough about me to be arsed to try.

I offered Blue friendship as well as my snatch, and he's tried to take the piss.
Whatever his reasons, they're unimportant. It’s over. I’m saying these things as a type of therapy for myself. This is a process to fully let go so that by the end of tomorrow I can bury this and start the new week without giving it a second thought.

I question my ability to switch off at times. The psychologist I was seeing says that it’s a behaviour I learned when my mother left me, aged 5, as a coping mechanism. In order for me to live day by day with my loss, I had to cut myself off from the feelings I carried. Awww, that poor little girl.
I am no longer that child though, but some things become inbuilt and with my past– some things become necessary in order to survive.

But let’s face it if my switching off ability meant I never allowed myself to get close to people, that would be a real problem.

But I can. I do. But when c’est fini, c’est fini.