Tuesday, 11 August 2009

lunch with Dee.

I’m panicking a little over here. I’ve got to get this bloody synopsis to the agent for tomorrow morning plus I have to tidy my flat this evening before the agent shows some potential renters around tomorrow afternoon.
I can’t be arsed to do either. I hate cleaning as I’m sure you all know. And the way I’m feeling right this moment – I can’t wait to see the back of this book.
I think I’ve just about got the right content for the synopsis now and I need to string it together properly, then read, and re-read, and re-read some more. It’s all the effing re-reading that gets on my effing tits.
Anyway, I met Dee today for lunch.
He’s bloody good looking is that boy. I know I must sound a shallow cowbag for mentioning how these guys are Sooooo gorgeous that I get involved with - but I’m speaking the truth. They are. What can I say... I appreciate beauty in a man, woman, painting, building, flower, so what? You gonna take me to court over that??
Anyway, he was nervous as hell. I wasn’t. That upset him.

“Don’t you care anymore? It seems like you’ve moved on. It’s like you don’t care about me any more”

“I do.”

“You seem different”

“I’m not.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” I felt awkward saying this. I don’t want to give the wrong idea. Dee is a sensitive, open creature and I respect him. I don’t want to cause him any worry or pain.

“ I need to tell you something ...” I said. “ You know the book and its content...?”
He’s never read it. He daren’t, but he knows what it’s about.

“ Yeah.”

“ You know it’s true don’t you?”


“You know it’s all true don’t you?”

“Well, yes, most of it.”

“ No, it’s all true...” I watched him. He couldn’t look at me. “ How do you feel about that?”

“ Well, it’s all in the past.”

“Really? That’s how you feel?”

“Yeah. You are who you are today... I don’t care about all that.”

He hates talking about it, but it’s something I want him to understand.
I will have to have this same conversation with Sexless sooner of later. Some of the men I’ve been involved with, I’m sure know that I was a hooker– but they’d rather deny it to themselves.

It’s been an awful burden for me to never have been free to be wholly myself with these guys – especially if we’ve been involved in something intimate.

“ The thing is,“ I continued, “I don’t wan to have to spell all this stuff out. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Yes, I know, I know...” He deserves a medal in that case, for cracking the kryptic code.

“ Dee, I don’t want you to hate me when all this stuff comes out.”

“I love you *my name* How could I hate you. Nothing’s changed about how I feel...”

Bloody hell.
People do surprise me sometimes, you know.. . It doesn’t surprise me that Dee loves me – hey, the guy’s got good taste!

But the rest of it surprised me. How he responded. His bravery at allowing himself to have loved the whole of me, not just parts. His understanding. His tolerance. His lack of jumped-up pride. His acceptance.

Even if he is just a friend, it matters to me that he does not feel humiliated or hurt by certain facts that will be exposed by this book getting published especially since we once had a relationship.

...err, what did my Aunt used to say? Here is the perfect time:
“ Nowt so queer as folk”. Amen to that.