Tuesday, 25 August 2009

3 men and a girl.

I get quite a kick out of being busy. Probably something to do with the adrenalin surges in my body. Anyway, right about now I’m feeling quite in control of ‘stuff’; you know, just little things like my own life andits direction.

Today I got paid for the first time since starting this job and I’ve worked out what is what in order to fulfill my ambition to be financially independent from now on...
I will be taking things easy for a while just so I can get a feel for where I stand. I am discounting any money I get from the book, because :

a) I don’t know when I will be paid for it.

b) I am giving virtually all of it to HD.

He’s paid out tens of thousands of ££ to help me over the last five years, and although I would love to have a few grand sitting idle in my bank account – it is right and proper that I start to give him back a spot of what he has given me.
I’m sitting here yawning my head off. Met with Benito, a friend at lunch time. It was really nice. He’s an interesting guy and an exciting writer. His writing style is sharp and succinct. He’s very talented.

Came back to work and basically I’ve been trying to deal with Dee, via Instant Messenger, who is suffering. Why did he come back? He’s struggling with our break up - Only now... He says that he thought we were just having a break and that we would get back together... WTF? Crazy. You do tend to know when something has run it’s course or not, right?

I went on to tell him that I’ve ‘kinda been spending time with someone.’ Not sure why I said it really. I don’t think I needed to. Blue is so casual in his approach to things that I’m sure he isn’t telling people about the two of us, doing whatever it is that we’re doing...

I guess there isn’t much to say at this stage. It’s not secure enough. Sometimes it feels as though Blue is quite far away. I don’t know how best to describe what I mean, really. Maybe I’ve just been busy...
“What do you mean you’ve spent time with someone?” Dee wrote.
“ You know what I mean...” I replied. He’s behaving as though we’re together. And Blue, well, Blue, behaves like Sexless, but with the sex. Their personalities are similar – both good and not what I’d chose.

L and KS both think I should cut all contact with Dee - but I feel bad for him. He went ballistic when he claimed that I was ‘pitying him’. I didn’t think I was. I thought I was just being caring.
So, last night was the first time I felt relaxed in the flat and it was the first good sleep i’ve had for days. I’m going to be alright there. I really like the ricketyness. It’s imperfect. It’s honest. It’s not mascarading as anything other than an unpretentious living space.

Meeting a girl I used to work with for dinner this evening – then we might go and see a film. Haven’t gone to the cinema for months. Should be fun.

By the way: The contracts for the book have been signed, witnessed and are in the post Special Delivery to the publishers, as I am writing this.