Wednesday, 25 November 2009

My Girlfriend is Dumping Me.

My friend’s trying to dump me. She's trying to sack me as her buddy.
To sum up: She sent me an email and now it's official that I am a rubbish friend. I am good, when I’m there infront of her – but when it comes to phone calls and meet-ups, then I am unreliable. I think she’s trying to tell me that I can be very poo.

OK – before I continue, I want to say to any of you who are my real-world friends who read this – please don’t turn this into a lynching. I remember there was a case of this a while back when we all went to the cinema and I left, only to discover that you’d all been discussing my pooness at keeping arrangements.

I am officially a useless friend, it seems. That’s such a terrible label. And there’s me thinking I am a devoted and caring ally. Well, actually, I am, I will not let it be said otherwise, but I agree I am rubbish at keeping arrangements.
Perhaps the problem is, to coin an expression I used only yesterday with regards my fella, I am an an armchair supporter. An armchair buddy. Not good, eh?
I think about my friends a lot. I do. But do I pick up the phone? No. Do I suggest that we meet up? Sometimes. Do I turn up? Err, occasionally.
I don’t know what my problem is with sustaining relationships. Well, I do, I suppose.
PSYCHO ANALYSIS ALERT: The two bonds which I, and most people, become attached to for a lifetime of emotional security were severed. One, aged 5, my mother. The second aged 16, my father. Our relationship crumbled massively.

I know this is not an excuse. It’s not. It’s merely a possible explanation. Then drugs took over everything – I trusted no one, and kinda still don’t. Then once prostitution came into my life I began to live even more secretively than I had done for the preceding years.
So, you’d think that because I am aware of these things that I should therefore be able to change them, right? "‘Should’ is shit," as a friend of mine says. ‘Should’? By whose laws??

OK, the first step to changing is recognition that something needs to be altered, I agree. Why don’t I change my unreliability towards my friends then? I dunno. It’s difficult to detach oneself from ingrained, sub-conscious behaviours.I will try, though.
I don’t know if it’s too late with this particular friend, cos I let her down badly.
I never pick up my damn phone and I hurt her because I wasn't there when she needed me.
I hate speaking on the phone, I’m sorry, but as I said I will try harder, I will.
I am not perfect, but I am willing. And that’s a good start I reckon...

On a cheerier note, I, yep me, moi, went hobnobbing today. Le Groucho again, Dharlings! *clears throat*
Yes indeed, mingling once more with the literate of the United Kingdom.
God, I sound like an arse; I know I do! But you should know enough about me by now to know that I am only teasing.

Although it is true that I was in the Groucho.Yep. Marketing this time dharlings.
*clears throat*

I still sound like an arse, right? Sue me.
No! Actually, don’t sue me, please! It’s only meeeee.....!