Tuesday, 17 November 2009

I'm alright. Are you alright?

I’m over that Belle du Jour thing now. SING: She’s like the wind... Yep, I am. Or, I should say: I can be, definitely.
I find myself a bit odd like that, sometimes. I can feel incredibly emotional about something one day then 24 hours later, I’m alright. Maybe I’m not really alright, and actually I’m just kidding myself. But I feel alright, so therefore I’m alright, right?
Don’t search for a problem if there isn't one tapping you on the shoulder, I say. If you’re genuinely feeling alright, then you’re alright.
You people helped boost me up again with your kindness, yesterday. I appreciate that hugely. Thank you.

OK, so, Blue. I am changing, within this relationship. I am maturing and growing and long term, it could be good, this new me. But right now, it feels a bit weird.

So, how am I changing? Well, I am not blurting my feelings out the moment something gets up my nose. This is a huge. It’s not that I usually nag. I don't, 'cos it takes a lot for someone to get on my nerves. On a good day. But when something does, I always say it.
This only applies to men, by the way. And it's usually only ever men that I am in a relationship with. They get treated differently to everyone else with both good and not so good. Ladies, you’re safe!
These days though, I’ve noticed that I’d been putting Blue before myself, and patience is being practiced, which must be making me a better person, eh?
I’m usually not very patient with the men I’m in a relationship with, and previous to this I've always been the one who is ‘lesser developed’ than they are. Both emotionally and financially.

But with Blue this isn’t the case. He is earlier in his recovery than I am and I totally understand where he’s at so if I want to be with him I must be patient.
Changing is a process and it takes time. He puts himself first (not maliciously. it's habit, self preservation) and sometimes it can really piss me off, but I understand that he doesn’t yet have the confidence in himself to do anything else other than that, yet.

Now, 6 months ago – I wouldn’t have tolerated this. No way. But I understand that Blue adores me and gives me what he can in respects of time and focus so he can still keep his head above water, independently, instead of latching onto me(or another person). God the first few years of changing your life after years of running around like a headless chicken, are hell, they really are.
It’s simply not enough to just stop drinking and using drugs. That’s the easiest part. Anyone can do that, but an inherent change must occur within a person before life begins to feel easier to cope with, after stopping using chemicals. Nothing can hurry this process up. It’s all about time.
So, on Saturday, there I was, excited about getting banged and Blue bloody blew (excuse the pun) me out.

Fucking great. His problem? Friday night after work I went to meet HD. I called My Blue when I was on my way and we chatted briefly. I noticed that he was distracted. He was on the computer doing some work, so I got pissed off (but I said nothing) This is what I mean by I’m changing.
Anyway, I cut the call short daring myself to not say anything moody to him. I didn’t. He called me straight back.

”Why did you put the phone down so quickly?” He asked.

Errr, well you weren’t fucking talking to me, were ya mate?
I wanted to say. Instead, I said that I’d just gone down the stairs for the tube. Then, again, I cut the second call short, because I was still pissed off that he’d been more focused on his effing computer than speaking to me, during the first call.

That was it.
Strop city! I met HD(Honourary Dad), went home and didn’t text Blue until the next day. That’s when he canceled on me. He'd been angry that I cut the calls short, the day before.

“So why didn't you call me then?” I asked him. “You should have told me what was wrong.” Blue finds this virtually impossible to do. I wish he would tell me when he's angry, and what it's about, but he can't. Not yet. I’m sure it would be quite freeing for him to get it off his chest.Anyway ,I’m neither his shrink or his mother.

“I dunno” he said.

“Well, if he you won't help yourself out of your strop..."

”Why didn’t you invite me for dinner?” He asked.

“ Err, I did. and you said no. You had that essay to write. Look, I won’t drag you along on this ride Blue.” I told him. “ I will not coerce you into being with me, calling me, speaking with me. You do it of your own accord or don’t, and if you chose not to – then I won’t do anything about that.”

And that’s my attitude. In or out. In? Brilliant, cos I want him badly. Out? I’d be gutted, gutted. But I would never try and persuade someone to be with me. Maybe I may feel different if I had children and I was financially dependent on a man I’d been married to for 10 years. But this isn’t my situation, so I don’t know how I’d be.
Know your worth, I say! If he doesn’t want to spend time with you – let the bugger go! Don’t go all out to fight for a something if your efforts feels one sided or are taken for granted. It’s just not fair on yourself.

After this he came round on Sunday – his suggestion, and we spent the day talking, snuggling and kissing. He’d be mad to let that go, I tell ya...