Thursday, 5 November 2009

Do You want to go out for Dinner with me?

My life the past days is consisting of work, eating, and editing. Sexy, eh!? I’m aware that when things seem monotonous in my life it’s because I am focusing on one thing. And right now that one thing isn't nookie... sorry to dissapoint. It's writing. Empires do not build themselves!
When I am free of mind my spirit becomes more alive, and it’s then that I can sparkle, and life feels exciting. I am not free of mind right now. I am totally pre-occipied with Hooked and UnHooked.

Earlier I was thinking about how the past 5 years have been so far removed from my past constant hotel visits, constant champagne and even more vodka, clubs, bars, come-downs. Drugs, booze,Sex, money, drugs, booze, drugs, booze, sex, money.
I was thinking about how much money has gone through my hands over the years. I wasn’t trying to put a figure on it – I was just remembering how poor my quality of life was at a time when I was raking in thousands of ££ a week. I was so deeply miserable. Unless I was at the pinnacle of my high then all was rosey. For those minutes, before the decline. Now, I earn in one week what I earned previously in one hour.
And you know something? Today I am happy, most of the time I am buoyant. I have friends that I trust. I have a nice flat – OK, I’m still rubbish at keeping things tidy but I have everything there that I need. I never want for anything. I live comfortably. I have nice things; beautiful perfumes, good quality make up, body lotions that cost the price of a gram of coke. How times change... that I would have ever even thought of spending money on pretty things for myself, even during my clean time. It took a while to break certain habits. When I was ‘on it’ it didn’t enter my head to even buy a 20 quid Mac foundation. It’s odd.

I bought some Clinique moisturiser the other day, and I told Blue what I just told you there... He clearly thought I was exaggerating. He'd also clearly forgotten (for a moment) what it is to be an addict.
The two things that I would buy (apart from coke and alcohol), were condoms and underwear. That was it.
I used cheap everything else. Spending cash on anything other than powder and drink, oh, and taxis, everywhere, would have felt a waste.

You are what you think.
And despite being a broke ass nowadays i’ve actually got my shit together. More correctly, I got my head together. And that makes me happier than anything that I could buy.

Anyway my loves after all that babble, I've got some gossip for you!
Today at work this Swiss lawyer asked me out for dinner this evening. My reaction? Well, I was smiling when he started talking and the moment he asked me if I wanted to go out with him, my face just dropped . First thing I said: ‘Are you winding me up?’ Not great. What the hell??
Bit of a show of low self esteem...Oh well.

“No. I would like to take you for dinner, if you would be willing to join me.” he replied. I just stared at him then thanked him but said that I couldn’t.

“Next time I’m in London then? How about that?” I just muffled something, head down, aware that my face was burning up. He’s a good looking guy. He was polite, appeared to be gentle – speaks a few languages. I heard him speaking Russian, French, and no doubt he speaks German, even if he lives in the French part of Suise.
All this is very attractive to me. I thought he was at the office today to draw up a contract for some footballers that the company I work for represent. I found out later – he is actually trying to sell a French football team which he and the guy that was with him, own. Yep, they fucking own it!
Tres sexy, I’d say! But... But what?? Well, I’m with Blue.
Blue has less money than I do. He’s a student ain’t he? (Training to be an actor remember...?) He lives in a shared house and he can rarely afford to take me for dinner. He hasn’t traveled for years and he’s also a recovering addict. This is a first for me, being with someone else who has been in rehab. I'm aware that all this doesn’t sound good on paper... But...but what?
It‘s working beautifully for now. Of course I’d love him to be further into his recovery and have his life organsied already, but this is where he’s at right now...
But why not go for dinner with this bloke?

Well, I am faithful lassie, I am.
I am a one man woman, me. And since Blue and I have made a commitment to eachother that we are ‘exclusive,’ then I will be. And you know something else ? Even if the two of us hadn’t had a conversation about monogamy, which to be truthful we wouldn't be where we are today without having some kind of chat to decipher exactly where we stood, ‘cos I like to know what’s happening from the beginning.
You’re In or out. Simple. I don't deal in grey areas. I'm too insecure for that. If I, me, is offering myself to you. You’d better be quick about deciding what you want, cos the offer ain’t on the table for long! And honestly? You better want me exclusively, if that's how I want you - cos otherwise it's no go.

So, based on the chat Blue, I won’t be sneaking around. Besides,I simply don't want to. I keep things as simple as honest as possible.
I’m happy with Blue. We have a wonderful connection...
Yeah, he’s broke and effectively jobless and he doesn’t have his own home – but so what, really eh?
I tell you what he has got though... Soul; buckets of the stuff.
Oh, and he’s a demon in bed.

...And he’s got a very generously sized penis... Nuff said.