Wednesday, 4 November 2009

All that consumes me.

I’ve just stuffed my face with some Linconshire chipolata sausages, broccoli, carrots and my attempt at Yorkshire pudding. I added some some stuffing mix to the pudding mix and you know what happened? It was flat,flat, flat... Pity...hey ho. But the bit I rescued and ate was nice.

Today, and for the past few days I’ve been editing Hooked non stop, with the Publishers editor. It's weird to think that what is happening now is literally word for word what you will read.
Hooked and UnHooked have consumed my life again. I'm amazed that I've even written this blog tonight. I'm so tired, but I'm probably happier writing than anything else. Apart from loving... But writing feels more permanent. It can't be taken from me.
As well as getting the very, very final draft of Hooked together I'm busily trying to prepare the first three chapters of UnHooked, ready to show the publishers when we go for dinner on Monday.
This work load may not sound that much to you – but for me it’s a strain 'cos I’ve got my office work as well, which takes my energy. And when I have to live and breath these books to make them the best I can I feel the tension building up. To be truthful I get frustrated going over material (Hooked) that I’ve already read and re-read a thousand times.

One good thing though, all this re-reading re-enforces just how good the book is. Now, that is not arrogance. I’m not an arrogant person. In fact someone paid me one of the biggest compliments that I can imagine receiving. I lack ego apparently. Ego in the Fraudian sense. I am at ease with myself, other people and the world around me it seems.
‘You are obviously comfortable with yourself Clare’... JF, c.October 2009. Sounds good. eh? Compliments like that are by far my favourite. Such attributes as humility, kindness, and patience are what I value most in people.
hmmm... if only the guy that said that to me knew just how manic and anxious I get some times...

Anyway, as I was saying re- reading sections of Hooked (because the publishers editor must querie stuff here and there) and me thinking it’s a good book is not big headed. If I didn’t think it was bloody good I would literally have wasted a couple of years of my life living in a delusional bubble. Why would I create something and work and work and work on it and think about nothing else for 18months of the two years I've had Hooked in my life, if I wasn’t creating something that I consider worthwhile?
The sacrifices I have made and would be prepared to continue to make if necessary for me to be a respected writer are great and if I didn't have faith in my own ability - then really I'd be a bit odd and I should not even bother.

Of course not everyone who reads Hooked will enjoy it; although I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t enjoy it ... I’m joking! Now there, I am being arrogant!

I can’t wait for the editing to be finished – then it will go to be type-set apparently. I hope this will be done before Christmas; bring some light to a time of year which I actually find quite depressing. Christmas is all about family stuff isn't it? And that makes me feel sad. Sad, because I don't feel a part of one...
Di I mention that my step-brother's baby was christened a few weeks ago? I wasn't invited. Not any malicious reason. They just didn't bother. Guess that sums up the nature of the whole 'family' situation that I am supposed to be involved in.
I was silently hurt and a little bemused, but it's quite acceptable behaviour amongst my step-brother-step-ma, and dad. Weird how they weren't even embarrassed talking about it to me.
Anyway, not long now until Dee-Day! And quite honestly - maybe none of them will ever talk to me again after reading the book. Oops... That wouldn't be nice at all, but I am willing to take the risk. My relationship with my father is too fragile for me to consider purely, the hurt they may feel if they read the book. That's why I've asked them not to.
This is my life; my story, and I have a right to tell it if I wish in the manner I have told it.
And as I said before, the sacrifices I am willing to make in order for me to be able to write this book, are great.