blah, blah, blah...

Oh dear, oh dear….
The job agency I’m working through are perusing my references. Damn. I thought the smile had been enough. At least it’s taken them a number of weeks for them to get down to reality. I’d have been more concerned if the recruitment guy had questioned my referees sooner.
Whatever, anyway, I’ll cope. I’m just uncertain which version of my CV the agency was given… One of my ‘previous employers’ AKA ex-boyfriend ( sex-less relationship) has told the job agency that he’s away at the moment, to stall them, until I give him the info.

Thank fully he has got a good title attached to his current job so he will pass me off as a plausible past employee.
I didn’t directly ask him to lie on my behalf. God, no. I’d never do that. It’s not my style…. Well, maybe occasionally. But I prefer people to either offer their service or to come to the correct conclusion alone – OK they may need an undercover nudge, but nothing too tactless – although sometimes things just trip off the tongue, don’t you find?
Personally, my biggest area of untruths (as my dad calls them) is exaggeration.

I tend to think that it is completely socially acceptable and even encouraged for us to exaggerate. Or if not exaggerate - play something down; the opposite but the same in reverse if you know my meaning…I reckon this is more of a male trait which women probably only use when describing a negative experience.
I have a tendency to express myself with vigour. If I’m happy, sad, angry – It’s all pretty animated… Urrgh! When I hear myself I some times think I come across as I bit of a nightmare - but this makes me laugh. I’m not in yer face, I’m forth right and confident. At least in appearance I am. How I feel inside is often different to that.

Take last night, I was putting photos up on here of my semi naked torso, bold as brass without a care in the world. But probably less than an hour before that I’d been wailing down the phone to Dee complaining of my some times debilitating anxiety.

I get very anxious for no clear reason some times. Bi-polar Alert! I mean, I’d felt weird all yesterday evening. I had been suffering dizziness which I usually associate with when I miss a day’s medication.

Bloody’ell ! it’s sounding worse and worse….

Anyway, I haven’t missed a dose of my anti depressant, I was simply emotional, tired and feeling a tad alone; feeling a tad down; feeling a tad like I want to be with someone. Not to talk to - just to know that they’re there.
Do you know what I mean by that?

I think it means I want to feel secure; which I do want – more than anything in life. And you know something…? Despite Daddy Gee and his wife coming this weekend to stay with me. Their presence won’t make me feel more ‘safe’ or attached.

Yes, I have guests staying with me and I’m looking forward to it. I love entertaining, taking care of people and ensuring they have a great time…And my folks are, to me, the same as entertaining someone else’s parents. Altho pleasant, they won’t quite fill the longing.










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