Thursday, 16 April 2009

Paris, lipstick, chickens, and absent responses

I some times have visions of myself as an elderly lady, hair swept back into a bun, languishing in a Paris apartment, drinking sherry with her cats – still wearing lipstick, and reminiscing about my youth – alone.

Don’t ask me why Paris, sherry, cats and lipstick, since none of these feature in my current life. But ask me why alone – and I could list you a million reasons, but I won’t.
First, I am rubbish at keeping in contact with people. Facebook amigas/os please forgive me for not either being prompt with my replies or God forbid, if I forget all together. I am an airhead and can only focus on one thing at a time. I can only multi-task when I don’t care much about any of the things I am doing, but having an obsessive temperament ( passionate, I like to call it) there is little room to have more than one obsession running concurrently. I’d be a gonner! It would utterly drain me…and as you all know I am greatly preoccupied at this time with a certain piece of written work that I must apply myself to. So if my replies seem brief or less giving of myself – please forgive me.

My near-inability to sustain relationships makes me think I am turning into my father who has 4 sons, none of whom he sees. He’s had numerous marriages and many friends that have been lost along his life’s journey.

I don’t want this to become me, I don’t, although let’s face it with a bigamous marriage under my belt – I’ve had a good start. Oh dear…. And all I want, what I really, really want, is a puppy… (I’m teasing!)

I want a happy, fulfilling relationship.

But the way I carry on with my friends, and my men at times it appears as though I don’t mind the idea of living my life alone. Some times, in fact, quite often, I even convince my conscious mind that actually I don’t mind living a life with very few close interactions with people. But on the flip side of that – I believe that life is only about people.
Despite this one of my greatest fantasies is to live with a husband, produce many children and herd pigs and chickens and grow carrots. I’d love to live organically in the middle of no where - just writing, talking and being totally enveloped by love and adoration of the simplicity of my life. But then, other times I want to live in a swanky apartment stuffed full of contemporary art, and artefacts from travels around the world and I’d dine at chic restaurants, wearing Prada.

Of course, this is only envisaged with me living in a flat - not a house… I’d be too scared of noises on different levels within a house, and I’d be too paranoid about people being able to look through windows, knock on my door, gain access to the building etc….*paranoia alert* Well, that’s just me. I’d feel safer in an apartment.

“Which person are you?” Papa Gee asks me from time to time. In fact, he asks me more often than you’d believe. “Are you Mother Teresa wanting to rescue orphaned children from despair, starvation and fear? Or do you want to gallivant around London with the hoi-poloi driving a Porsche 911, then go home to your Belgravia apartment?”

“Well Pops, maybe I can rescue deprived kiddies in my 911, feed them, dress them, cuddle them, and house them - but c’mon, not in Belgravia, dad! That’s way too flash…. We’d all live in a converted barn in the countryside and collects eggs from our chickens and grow our own vegetables”

“That doesn’t tell me anything C**** (my name)… Which aspect of your personality do you think dominates you?”

“I have no idea. I am more than just one thing and if I really had to chose. I would say I’m comfortable with not knowing fully, who I am.” And that brings with it a delicious sense of freedom.

Check out my Facebook page if you fancy a more personal chat. I'm under the name Missy Gee.