Sunday, 19 April 2009

Q & A

What am I wearing?
Black leggings, black vest, and bright pink nail polish on my toes and fingers.
What am I doing? Writing this. Cursing the flat being untidy, cursing myself for having a ‘nap’ then 4 hours later, finally waking up!

How am I feeling?
Lazy and irritated with myself. I should have done a lot of work today on that effing book - I had yesterday off and today I’ve done bugger all. I don’t even recall faffing around. No, cos I’ve been a bloody sleeping all effing day!

What should I be doing right now?
Trying to make myself not feel like a waste of space. First, I have to tidy this flat ... It’s a tip. The ex-fella used to blame me for its constant disheveled state and i accepted that blame, but now I’m wondering exactly who was at fault. The first weekend he stays here after our break up and the bloody place it a mess. Hey ho! Thankfully for Team Gee Dee (me and him) I’m not anal about these things. I’ll tidy up, take a shower, wash my hair then do some work. I’ve got very specific points I must do on the book which I have taken notes on. That’s the most organised I’ll ever get and so I don’t give myself any more of a hard time, I must ‘just get on with it’.

But what about Facebook and replying to messages? You’ve had some messages from people claiming to have deserted them..
I’ve said scores of times recently that I am behind with Facebook message replies. I can’t help it, I’m sorry. I’m not a time management guru and I cannot do everything I want to do in one day, some times. I will catch up with you good people as soon as I can. If we’ve had contact already – you should know I’m no twat who doesn’t care... Daily life takes over some times and I must deal with what’s in front of my nose before reaching else where. Im sure you understand mon cheries.

What do I want to be doing?
I want to be sweating in the arms of a guy who can’t stop tampering with my love mussel... and yes! I meant ‘mussell’ as in clam... not m.u.s.c.l.e. I’d be on a tropical Island somewhere hot and he would be telling me about his latest artistic creations while I plan on finishing my second book.

Isn’t that all a bit fantastical?

You’re joking aren’t you? If you knew me you would realise that despite the ‘trouble’ I’ve had myself involved in, in my past – on one level I’ve always got ( the practical things) I wanted within that. I was lucky enough to (usually) have a swish apartment paid for by an adoring male. I (usually) had at least one credit card from another fan. I (always) had someone paying my bills. Clothes, shoes and bags never interested me enough to bother too much with – but when needed, there was always a gentleman to take me shopping.

Writing didn’t happen then, cos I wasn’t capable on starting and finishing making a cup of tea. The men came and went – so nothing’s changed there. The desert Island is a holiday destination today, and not yet my home – but if I want it. It’ll happen. Some of my friends call me’ lucky’. Things happen to me. Lots of good, but sometimes bad. And even if they’re not great – I know I’m alive cos I’m feeling the pain these ‘things’ can create.

‘The Law of Attraction’ is something I believed in before I’d even heard of it.

I spent my life living by my wits and although I occasionally still dance that dance – today I do try and apply societies laws of ‘hard work,’ and emotionally, the rewards are greater than they ever were... Despite the fact that some times I still wish I didn’t have to be responsible for myself and if I so wanted I could be with someone where I don’t have to be. But now shit would that be, really? At least today I try. However hard life might feel at times, that all we can do right? Try. I mean really try.

‘If nothing changes,nothing changes’
is one of my favourite expressions ever and I try to live my life remembering that.

Check out my Facebook page if you fancy a more personal chat. I'm under the name Missy Gee.