Tuesday, 17 March 2009

love with conditions

I love him, I love him not, I love him, I love him not... he loves me - and there seems to be no hesitation. Why not?

I'm not playing the 'Poor me, I'm not lovable' bullshit card... - I am lovable, very lovable, thank you. I just don't get why some people can love and never question it. Take my boy, he is one of those types....

Of course the love I dish out is conditional, it makes sense that it would be. That's what I know. It's normal for me. So if my fella is down, I question my love for him, I do. You may not like that - I'm not celebrating it myself, but it's a fact.

I've witnessed people in families where the love for each other is non-conditional, and it bewilders and amazes me at the same time.
OK, there seems to be a child in me who has always loved my dad regardless of his bizarre ways, his todler-like tantrums and very misguided beliefs on child rearing. For example, when a child decides to leave home, in my case aged 16 ( i was a renegade elf) from that moment I was no longer any of his responsibility, emotionally and otherwise I had to stand alone.
Even when I screamed for help he insisted I had to take care of myself. The door was repetitively shut, quite literally time and time again.

But my boy has never had this. He will never experience this. I find it odd that he has keys to his parents' house. I find it odd that he doesn't have to pre-arrange to visit either of his parent's weeks in advance. I find it odd that he can discuss a problem with his mother or father or sister and they don't huff, puff and become stern or tell him that 'We can't deal with this.' 'We' being daddy and step-moma.

I'm also amazed at how whenever my boy speaks to his folks and shows anything other than utter joy at paying his road tax, water rates and congestion charge, that they still give him time and space to express his thoughts without presuming that disaster is about to strike and their world of security will be compromised as a result.

I'm amazed at how it's never a question at time like Christmas if his family will spend it together. How when something happens, either someone is ill or has got a new job or is moving house - that they keep each other informed.
I know my boy's mum would never see him homeless, hungry, frightened or lonely - she would always support him. You might say that's because he wasn't a mischief maker like I was. Indeed you'd be right - he wasn't, neither was he perfect like any one else. But I'll tell you something - I've seen families love eachother unreservedly even when one or more members of their clan have been utter rogues, and even exhibited traits of wickedness.

I do understand on one level that many parents would probably not see their child suffer if they could prevent it. This I suppose is usual, based on how I see other people operate.... But the thing is, my father and his wife come from the school of 'Be cruel to be kind'. And by these measures, they were kind, very kind. I just hope that I don't fall into the same traps, persuading myself that when someone I love i.e my lover is having a difficult time I must leave him in order for him to sort his depression out alone ... If i ended up using this excuse for the rest of my life surely I'd end up alone and lonely...and I don't want that.
Of course i may be with someone who doesn't suffer depression if I left the boy - but like I said before no one is perfect... And it's not perfection I seek - it's loyalty, devotion, security,friendship, laughter, cuddles and snuggles. And you know something? I know my fella wouldn't leave me to battle through my struggles alone. I know he wouldn't, he's already proved that.

Check out my Facebook page if you fancy a more personal chat. I'm under the name Missy Gee.