Monday, 16 March 2009

today's drama

Bollocks! That’s the best word to describe today. An otherwise pleasant sun shining start to the day was quickly ruined by a dismal nausea in my tummy, because my boyfriend had once again read this blog - and what has he read?
All about Irish.
This was his text – word for word:
“Its Stephen Fry, not Stephen Fray. We are done. Its over-no way back. Part of me is relieved. I’v copied some of those posts and emailed them to myself, so that if I ever wonder what might have bee, I will remember you were never that special or worth all the shit when it came down to it.”
Right. OK.

From now I am not going to consider what he may see on here – I will write honestly regardless of what he thinks, cos he’s gonna read it even if he tells me he isn’t. My attitude tells me a great deal about how I feel about everything between us.

I’ve been nervous and anxious most of the day but I’ve rarely questioned if us breaking up is the right thing to do.
I can only just about cope with my own emotional ups and downs, I’m certainly not sure enough of myself to cope with someone else’s, when they are weekly like this.

During my life I have suffered emotionally. God knows I’ve been through the ringer – but you know something? Even as a 12 year old child I tried to help myself by using alcohol to ease the over bearing tension and feelings I carried about my mum leaving me. I was being pro-active, I was trying to help myself. Of course over time the emphasis shifted from self-medication to gratuitous intoxication, but still I tried. Why can’t an adult who is emotionally suffering. Depression is a very real illness and I wish he would really seek help.

You see the thing is with me is that if I was to be on Mastermind, my chosen topic would be Human Nature. I know how to be patient and have empathy for people’s pain and I also love to share their joys. But when a grown up either totally refuses to participate in helping themselves, I don’t push and push and push – Why would I? I understand that it is not within my power to force someone to try and change. They may not really want to. Maybe they can cope with how they are, so what business is it of mine ultimately. No one could have told me anything, until I was ready to listen – and quite honestly, my sanity and sobriety is based of bloody, hard work, determination and a fighting spirit which did not want me to continue how I was.
I have paid my dues.
I have applied myself and continue to do so in order to keep my emotions in order – and I’ll be damned if I will now allow someone else’s suffering to taint my new found peace of mind. Fuck it. No, I won’t. Selfish? Fine – I don’t have a problem with that, cos you know what???
I only have me. And I only have this life and after wasting so much time, I am determined by any means necessary to keep fighting my corner and protecting myself. I deserve that.
Possibly my attitude is because I don’t understand unconditional love? But hold on, I do – I have continually loved my father throughout my life despite some of his life issues. But one thing for sure is that I haven’t yet learned how to love and tolerate another’s struggles inspite of myself, and still manage to hang around.
I just can’t seem to do it.
Maybe worse, I have no desire to.