Saturday, 21 March 2009

I fucked up

I don't have the brain power to continue with the Men's Do's just yet... sorry. I will do tomorrow.
I'm down.

I had a wonderful yesterday with my dad. I looked at him as I approached and was touched with sadness at how 'elderly' he looks,but still both he and my step-mum seemed to be in good spirits and we had a brilliant time filled with laughter, chat and red wine, for them.
They both ate a cheesy vegetable lasagna (they're both vegetarian,) and I had a medium steak, which overly cooked but edible so I didn't complain. I find complaining in restaurants embarassing. Someone I know says that I'm very
'Yorkshire' to think like what? I think as long as the food is edible, who cares?

Today I am down and miserable and a tad worried for my future emotional happiness.

My fella and i have finished. Something happened this morning and i did something I shouldn't have done. Anyway, we're over. He's gone to his father's place to pick up his car and tomorrow lunchtime he will come back here to take his belongings, and then he'll be gone for good.

I never go back - once it's over, any trust that was there is gone and after a spell away from each other I wouldn't want him back after other paws have been on him during a time of separation. And even if he told me he hadn't been with other women- I would still judges him by my own behaviour.
He told me he hopes we can be friends. Fuck that. Nah... why? I have two ex's who are 'friends'. That's enough...
My boy is a really lovely guy. Really cute, funny, affectionate, handsome... but for so many reasons' we couldn't sustain happiness. Now, because I am the first relationship he's had which has been more than a casual fling since he was 22 ( he's approaching 34)you have to wonder why...
So when he's doing whatever he does and convinces himself that he's the damaged party - he needs to question himself about the reason why he has been unable to find someone he wants to be with these past years...

But over here - I'm bored - of myself. I'm fed up and pissed off that I have so many issues and I struggle with sustaining relationships. Of course it takes two - and my fella / ex fella, is not the most balanced of people - but me solely footing the blame for our failed relationship is bollocks, which is what he'd have me believe.OK, I fucked up today and I did apologies straight away.I always put my hands up to mistakes i make - always.

But why don't so many grown people admit to their part in a disagreement? Men are particularly bad for this. It is not a sign of weakness and you are not accepting all blame if you admit to your individual errors. It's called humility surely, for Christ's sake....

Whatever anyway - it's over, it's over...
A relationship is the last thing I want right now.
Actually that's not strictly truth, but I can't seem to handle them. Will I ever be able to? I mean, I'd love to get married and have kids one day...I don't know....

Maybe I was just with the wrong person that's all.

Check out my Facebook page if you fancy a more personal chat. I'm under the name Missy Gee.