Monday, 1 March 2010

You snooze you lose ?!

Hello amigos – I seem incapable of writing this bloody second book. I’m officially in a block and unable to write a single bloody word. I’ve heard of this before and previously I’ve scoffed at the idea that a writer cannot write for a designated period of time. I’ve always thought the said writer is being a drama queen and seeking sympathy for bugger all good reason.
Why call themselves ‘a writer,’ if they cannot write – even for a while. It’s not as though they’ve suddenly become physically unable to use a pen or type on a laptop.
You see, the problem with me having such dogmatic views on some things is this: I am currently eating my own words; and unlike Winston Churchill when eating his own words which apparently never gave him indigestion – Me? Well, I’m sick to my stomach. I’m worried and anxious about my inability to write a darn word of UnHooked.

What the hell is this about??
I feel as though I need to whisk myself off to a deserted place far away from Blue and anyone else that I know, so I can work through the night, on this dastardly book. Otherwise, I may never finish it.
The days of Hooked are well gone. The surge of energy and the drive I had while writing that has dissipated. A distant memory. Now, writing 2000 damn words feels such a huge task that my fear is preventing me from writing a single sodding word.
Fuck, shit, bollocks.

My worry about this then infiltrates into everything; primarily my relationship with Blue. I need to get this effing book written in order to feel as though I am really creating some foundations for me to work off for my future. I need funds, dough, security, consistency.
There are no guarantees with Blue. You may argue that there are none with anyone in life, but there are some things one can be certain of, often, with their partner. For example: their work/career prospects/ ability to earn. Their ability to be responsible; their drive, loyalty, their ability to commit to people/ projects, their ability to help you create the lifestyle you desire, the future you crave, and yes, I do want a certain lifestyle – that’s no crime. And yes, the lifestyle I want requires money. Sue me! Not zillions of $$ – just money.
And with Blue, sadly, I just don’t know if these things can happen... I have no solid evidence that they can happen with him, and sometimes this bothers me. I am gambling my future hopes with no clear return. It’s weird, but maybe not so weird if I live for today and park the future...
But sometimes I get the feeling that for me to achieve the life I want (with Blue) I would have to create the majority of the income myself - and to be truthful that was never in my life plan. I know plans change, but so far, Blue and I don’t really have any joint plans (his orchestration, not mine.) And regardless, that would not change the fact that I‘d like to be ‘looked after’ - in the traditional sense; I’m a traditional lassie, me. But I’m really not sure if Blue can give me this -he wants to - he’s just not sure of himself and his abilities yet. BUT, he does remind me that we’ve only been together 7 months.
The thing is, this traditional lass moves fast; often very fast. I don’t often wait for things.
Not when I really, really, really want them - and a comfortable and secure future, of course with a man I love is something I really, really, really want.
So .... which principle do you live your life by?
‘You snooze, you lose’ OR ‘Patience is a virtue.’

Even while I’m writing this: the latter just doesn’t sit comfortably with me and something deep in my bones tells me that My Blue will follow the former, and not realise, until after the event.
That would be sad; for both of us. But there is time. I have allocated an amount of time in my mind before I seriously start thinking things through about where I’m heading in the bigger picture.