Thursday, 4 March 2010

" I'm Clare, and I'm an obsessive compulsive..."

I found it difficult to sleep last night. My Boy Blue started snoring so I quietly raised my hand towards his nose ready to lightly pinch it. What was his response? What would you do if someone was holding your nose to stop you sounding like a hungry piglet? Would you flick their hand away from your snout? Would you turn over? I think I’d turn over. Would you wake up suddenly and ask what was happening?
Well, Blue did none of the above. Instead, he kissed my hand. Awww, bless him! It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. At least the cutest thing I’ve seen for a few days. You needed to have been there, maybe, but my heart instantly melted when he did this so naturally – especially when he was fast asleep. So I moved my hand away and let him continue snoring and watched how comfy he looked.

I feel that I haven’t been doing as much as I could recently. I’m bloody obsessive, it’s draining at times. Obsessive /compulsive behaviour has wracked my life and just cos I've stopped drinking and sniffing - it doesn't go away! It just manifests itself in different ways. If I’m not getting emails and calls from media –types dharling, I feel that I’m being a lazy toe-rag, and I start hating myself for it. Silly, I know. My step-ma keeps telling me to relax.
“You’ve got 60-odd days until your book is published, Clare. Be patient and enjoy this time” she tells me. Enjoy it? Doing what exactly? Waiting? I feel I need to have my fingers in numerous pies in order to feel as though I am being a productive bunny.
You see, the thing is, things are kinda happening. I just can’t see them.

By the way: Blue and I are going on holiday in three weeks... Morocco, for a 7 day break. Can’t wait! Everything is good with us again – I know it may seem that our relationship is very up and down, but perhaps it’s not so much. The thing is: I mouth off about the smallest thing, here, when it strikes and I don’t tell you about how glorious it is all the rest of the time. I’m a bloody drama queen sometimes and instead of running to the hills, which is my usual style when the wind changes, I moan and feel anxious, convinced that everything is about to collapse around my feet, only to discover that it doesn’t.
God, when will I gain more confidence in people and in my relationships? That, my friends is the million dollar question.