Thursday, 25 March 2010

A New Era.... ( thank f**k for that! )

Ahhh, finally it's over. I can relax. I know where I stand. The final stone has been cast. Blue and I are over and I know we ain't going back. I know this because we've both come as close to potential relapse madness as we could get, without actually picking up a drug or drink.
Our relationship went emotionally catastrophically wrong and there was no retrieving it.
I'm glad that an official line has been drawn and Blue was the one to dictate it. That's better for me. I don't trust myself to stick to something like a breakup, I'm too weak, unless someone has actually done something crap to me.

You see, it hadn't been properly finished before today, and you know something? I feel a weight has been lifted now. I know where I am with it and I'm all right with the result. I'm no longer sad or angry. I'm not really thinking about it. We're through and that's that. This will be the final time cos if we were to get back together and we broke up again there is a more than likely chance that one or both of us will relapse and we both understand that.

Sanity and sobriety before all things. Luckily for me, Blue is wiser than I am and unlike me who is more needy than he, he has ended it just in time.
It makes me question the strength of my sobriety knowing that things were so, so damaged and being willing to continue. Perhaps I arrogantly thought that I wouldn't relapse. How stupid. How very, very stupid. Or perhaps in the name of love, in the hope of a dream becoming real, I was prepared to risk my health. How stupid. How very, very stupid.

Tomorrow is the start of something new and that means I no longer need to stress about someone else's life impacting on mine. Of course it's sad that it didn't work. We had an electric connection and he's a really good person,but it didn't work. It happens.
He was not who I am meant to be with.
I'm not going to concern myself with relationships for a while, they're too complex for my complicated neuroses. At least I wont' bother until after I've finished this second book. I'm going away this weekend, alone - yikes! And I have a very specific plan for my second book while I'm away and that plan needs executing. World domination doesn't come easy you know dharlings!

night night... xx