March 10th, 2010 : 21.30hrs.

•Dinner tonight? Minestrone soup, and apple and banana. The joys of being home alone. Eat what I want, when I want, how I want.

•What am I wearing? Black leggings and tight bright yellow lycra vest.

•Make-up? None.

•Foot wear? Bright orange nail polish.

• My feelings? Exhausted, slightly anxious.

• My thoughts? Tired, bored of my life, fed-up.

•Plans for the evening? Bath, and bed; reading Lolita – amazing writing. Dazzling book.

• What have I done today? Answered the damn phone at work – constantly. Stressed about Blue and I. Stressed about my future. Been aware of my recent doubts about everything; life, writing, stability, relationships - both with my friends and with Blue. Daddy’s good though. He’s happy. Thank God.

• I've been fantasising about? Living an easy life. Being a successful writer. Earning a good income. Living in the countryside just outside Bath in a stone house surrounded by modern interiors and a healthy portion of antiques. Having a creative partner who is interesting and interested who adores me and I him. He is financially settled and is far more advanced in emotional balance than I am. I wish this could be Blue. He is the first half of the former statement – but the second part is not there yet.

• My plans for the next few days? Work, sleep and then on Friday, I intend to go to Yorkshire for the weekend.

• What’s happening with Boy Blue? He is looking to move out as soon as possible. We’re a bit miserable. I'm finding things hard to cope with. My guess is that it will be in approximately a week. This I find upsetting. Not necessarily because we’re no longer going to be living in the same place –although I wish that our relationship was different and we could. But the reason I find this so upsetting is because yet again there is a lack of stability in our union, therefore, my life. This is draining. I lived with constant change for years before I ever met Blue and then things settled as I began to change, but now I’m in this relationship the whole ‘Things will be OK when such-and-such happens ’ routine, is back.

• What am I going to do about this? Fuck knows. Do nothing, that’s what I’m going to do – nothing.

And why will I do nothing, you ask ..? Because I don't know what to do.

"When in doubt - don't." Alan Lane WCS c1996.





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