Thursday, 19 November 2009

Bored, Bored, Bored...

I’m having a wanting-to-shut-myself-off-from-humanity- night. That’s exactly what I will do after this post. I’m gonna get into the bath that I have running, then watch ‘Bronson’. I must appear to have watched loadsa films recently. It’s not like me. It’s nice though.
I’ve just spoken to my dad about his birthday. I’m going up north again for his 80th, next week. I haven’t been up there so much, literally, since living there years ago. Anyway, he wants to ensure that I will be at their house on time for the start of the party. I will be. The only thing is, as I said to him, is the fact that a few people will be at their place and I will be the only one not drinking. Now this isn’t a problem. The problem I have is not having a place to run to if want to. Being a non-drinker when everyone around you is boozing can be a strain. I must be in the mood and then I can enjoy it to a degree. I can get off ofn the atmosphere and no one would know I’m drinking juice. But when I’m in this environment I enjoy it with the knowledge that I can get the fuck out of there whenever I want. At my dads it’s not possible.
Plus, my step-ma and daddy get on my nerves a bit, after a while, when they drink. They can become snipey and argumentative, and I just don’t want to put up with that.
So, on the phone I asked my dad to understand that I am not being rude or personal, but I may not stay over. They can get extremely funny about these things; thinking its a personal attack. They’re very sensitive. He seemed to understand though,and he said they will call me this weekend to discuss.

On a different note – Today I’ve felt as though I’ve forgotten that I’m in a relationship with Blue. I haven’t seen him for a few days and this feels odd. I know we’re together, but I kinda feel single but without the action plans.
I don’t know... I’m not going to say anything to him about this. There’s nothing to say, really. Maybe this is all to do with me being tired. I’m always bloody tired. I’m bored of it.
Anyway, Blue has suggested that on Saturday night we go out with some of his friends for a birthday shindig. I was up for it until he said that the plan is to go to a club. I don’t do clubs. Sorry. Well, not dance clubs, anyway. So I told him he should go alone. That will mean that I won’t see him this weekend. It’s a bit dull, really,isn’t it? I mean, the fact that I won’t see him at the weekend... But I have no inclination to try and stop him from going out. Why shouldn’t he go ?And why should I if i don’t want to? Whatever happens with Blue and I, will happen. I’m not even stressing about the distance we have between us. He’s busy, I’m busy, ce ca. Plenty of people are busy and see each other more than just at weekends. There is nothing I can do abotu all this. I either go with his flow or I don’t, and we split. That’s how it seems.
On Tuesday night I asked him to come over to mine and he said that he had an assignment to do. This was very telling. I’m a smidgen fed up of him calling all the shots. This isn’t about me feeling that he’s cheating on me, this is just about the fact that we are both trying to build our own lives, and it feels as though we’re doing this very individually, and we just come together here and there... I don't know how else it could be – but I wish it was a little different but as he says matter-of-factly: 'This is where I'm at, now.'But as I said, I won't say anything. How can I when he tells me that? Besides, I talk too much.
It’s not a good sign when I feel too laid back about something to fight for it. I would. I could, but I don't want to nag. And ultimately I know that he would still have the final say on when and how often we see each other.
I’ve seen that Blue will not go out of his way to come and see me when I suggest it. He even said, after Tuesday rejection:

" You think you put more into this relationship than me, don't ya Clare?"

"Yeah, I do"

"I know you do. Well, I disagree" he said.

OK. What can I do?

I see him when he suggests it and that’s been my fault, clearly.

"I will start acting differently from now on" I told him.

"That's not fair, Clare. I'm just trying to get my shit together and I don't need hassle."

Hassle, you see! Fair enough.
No doubt we will just plod on and see what happens. Hey ho... time tells all.