Monday, 25 May 2009

Tattoo & Insecurity

I’ve been staying at Dee’s new place this weekend. It’s cute. It’s pretty, and I’m pleased for him. It’s good for him. Probably good for us – although I am really trying my best not to get too involved in the ‘us’ factor.
I’m trying just to ‘ be,’ without the excess analysis which I find crippling that I all too often subject myself and any other past unfortunates that I have been involved with. It’s torture living in my head at times.
This analysing disease I suffer is more painful for me, than the recipient. Although the recipient, in this case Dee often gets it in the neck, I know that and I hate myself for it.

My problem is only with men and more specifically, men I am emotionally involved with.

I wish Dee could say something to me or anyone when I'm around, without my head bursting into suspicious life and tormenting me with negative possibilities.
The things I over analyze are silly, petty and nondescript. To hear me go on at him at times anyone would think that I believe I am ‘persecuted’.
Well, I’m not and if I am, it’s only by myself.

It’s bullshit living like this and I spend far too much time obsessing about utter bollocks. It’s nothing but deep insecurity which unfortunately could easily be viewed as childish and controlling behaviour– which I it comes across as being, and at times it's probably exactly that, but at it's root is insecurity in its purest form.

*im such a drama queen!*

The thing is- It’s only ever when I am emotionally involved with a guy that my thinking becomes erratic and burdensome. I am not like this with female friends, ever. It’s odd.

Unfortunately, all too often I don’t trust men. It’s sad but true and especially considering that I’ve been loved by some truly wonderful examples of the male human.
But as L and K point out - I do treat them differently to women. I’m aware that I certainly treat men that I am emotionally involved with differently. My insecurities seep out in all directions. But day to day I don’t think I treat males differently to females – maybe I’m a little harder with them, that's all... Oh, I's not important.

Do you remember a while back I mentioned that I want to get a tattoo? I want to do this as a constant reminder to simply take things as they are.

“It is what it is,” that’s what it’ll be.

Dee loves me – I know that. I am a pain in the ass – I know that too... and this over sensitivity is a pattern of behaviour that has haunted me throughout my adult life and I want to try something new to see if it can help.

In the scheme of things having a tattoo may seem drastic or unnecessary. I am getting it partially because I’ve been toying with the idea for a long, long time – but it is mainly an attempt to help myself focus, help me remember that things do not always need to be analyzed. They can be what they are with no hidden meanings.

“It is what it is.”

I’m doing it! I’m doing it! This week, I hope. Any ideas where I can go in London?

The struggles I go through in life will not evaporate, with or without a tattoo, I know that. My head will continue to fuck with me tomorrow, next week, next month, next year... but I will continue to fight it, and I reckon a constant reminder could help me slow down.

I’ve tried to help myself in the past - drugs, alcohol, men, money - and it all got too much. I couldn’t cope with any of it.

Now, I’m gonna try this.
Hey, you never know I may end up with post-it style words of encouragement etched all over my body!

Whatever it takes to get by my friends ... whatever it takes...
By the way: I'm fully aware that a blinkin' scrawling will not be a miraculous ‘cure’ to my emotional struggles - but since I’ve been looking to have one anyway – I'm doing it now.

And at the same time I’m going to have tiny brightly coloured flowers, creeping behind my ear coming down part of my neck.... nice huh!?

Yaay! I can’t wait!