Saturday, 25 April 2009

Officially Single (again)

“Rejection Is God’s Protection” A woman once said to me when yet another relationship failed.

I feel rejected again.

Dee (the ex-fella X2) hasn’t been making me feel that I am the most important thing in his life. I do demand a lot – I know I do, and often he is very good. The problem is, he puts his own pleasure before me. In this case I am talking about him going out drinking.

He’s not an alcoholic. That accolade is for me, and only me within the relationship. I understand that if he wants to get drunk once a week, he should be able to. Why not? He doesn’t get into fights, or into any trouble. (Not that I know of)
The thing is if he wants to get drunk even once a week, he must do it with someone else as his woman. Not me. I don’t want that in my life. I no longer see the purpose. Its odd for me to say this – don’t forget 5 years ago I was running around like an idiot, taking whatever I could get my mitts on and drunkeness was a daily preoccupation in my world.

But now, I have choices; and I am choosing to not be with a man who doesn’t have the imagination to consider a night out as consisting of more than getting pissed. It’s something I don’t get involved in, so it seems silly to be with someone who enjoys it and places value on it. OK, I'm being a little mean there... He has an imagination – but let me ask you something... if you adored your partner, would you get drunk on a Friday night, even when they are a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t drink a drop. I mean – would you even ask them to join you on those seemingly sacred Friday sessions? Even if you go with your work colleagues? Would you? Would you?
Dee and I are finished. It’s over (again).
And just when I’d given him a name other than ‘ex-boyfriend’,’ ex-fella’ blah, blah...
I actually feel numb rather than anything else.

Im not going to think too much about him. At least not at the moment – my head has actually switched off. Even if I tried, right now, I couldn’t.
I’m weary and fed up of being with a man who isn’t actually right for me. I’m living in a fantasy. Let’s face it – from having an intense time with someone – you can’t go back to seeing each other once or twice a week. Fuck it.

He’s a beautiful person. He’s a good soul, but he excludes me from this drinking bollocks. He thinks about himself before he thinks about me – and I’m not like that at all. I put him first. His feelings, his thoughts on things.

I wont babble because I don’t even know what to say. I’ve said and text those words to him a few times over the past week. Now when I don’t know what to say.......... that shows you there’s something seriously wrong.

Condolences – please forward to a children’s cancer charity. Not to me. Thank you.

Check out my Facebook page if you fancy a more personal chat. I'm under the name Missy Gee.