Friday, 27 March 2009

fingers and squidge

I'm knackered.
I'm not sleeping properly and my emotions are so up and down despite taking beta blockers here and there the past days.
Yes, I do get them prescribed - I don't often take them though. Only when really needed.
Anxiety is a massive issue for me. My body is so used to secreting massive doses of adrenalin (past cocaine mis-use, no doubt) that if someone sneezes I jump into the air. Actually I'm exaggerating there, but really, I can go from still to Pluto in literally a second. I hate it, it's not pleasant but I do try and manage it the best I can. Usually by waiting for it to subside then giving myself some power chat.
Sometimes this works better than others - and when I am medicating with beta blockers, I realise I am not managing as well as I'd like, which would be to not be taking them. But nowadays, I no longer give myself a hard time for reaching for the blister packet and popping a red pill.
I struggled emotionally and continue to do so for many years that, if I occasionally feel the need to take prescribed medicine in the way it has been prescribed to me, I will. When I started taking anti-depressants for the first time 3 years ago I was saddened by the amount of time I'd wasted beforehand fighting a losing battle with a condition that at times made me incapable of going to the shop to buy milk.

I was like this in my second year of abstinence. A wreck. I was struggling terribly and I couldn't cope with living without the crutches I'd depended on all my life. When I think of the number of times anti-depressants were suggested to me and the number of times I refused them, believing that I would relapse into cocaine and drink, or that I am socially inadequate for not being able to manage my emotions - all that time was wasted.
It was in fact 5 weeks after I started taking SSRI's for the first time that I found the confidence to get myself a job.
My struggles weren't over, but the war had finished.
I found a temporary solution to a very real illness.
The past days I have not been suffering depression, I've just been down.
I am weaning myself off another human being. I grew accustomed to having the boyfriend around; laughing with him, bickering with him, touching him - and now he isn't here. Have you ever read the book ' Love sick' - It describes the actual biological effects on the body and the chemical effects on the brain when a habitual relationship is severed.

I'm OK though - I will get over this. I must just concentrate on work. I have much to do. When I refer to work I'm not talking about my current office employment. That's going fine. Nothing more,nothing less.
Nope, here I'm talking about my work, my book, my dreams, my ideas. I love nothing more than dipping my fingers into lots of squidge and seeing what comes out of it... and hopefully it'll be something tasty - sweet or spicy, it's all flavour. And experimenting with difference tastes is what I love to do.

And if I'm not finger dipping - some other stuff I like is:

1. the smell of slightly damp concrete.
2. freshly laundered cotton sheets.
3. flowers. Any type, and usually yellow.
4. sunshine. Everything seems brighter on a sunny day. Life glows.
5. the smell of petrol turns me on. literally.
6. afternoon snoozing cannot be beaten. Not even by squidge on my fingers. And that moment when you are aware that you're just about to drop off. That, right there, is nirvana, in the land of Gee.
7. laughing. Lots of laughter. Any medium works for me. I love to laugh until I get to the point where I have to pull myself together.
8. kissing without leading to sex. Altho in my mind it nearly always leads to sex, but I love the contentment of smooching somewhere public knowing that you are simply uniting with one another. And you feel your knickers getting moist, but nothing can be done about it. You just enjoy what you're doing then and there.
9. climaxing through cunnilingus then sleeping, without me feeling the need to indulge my partner in exchange. This is rare. Not rare that I don't give him a suck and tug in return, but rare that I don't feel I should. (hell, does that make sense?? not rare, know what i mean though, right?)
10. A lengthy foot massage is the ultimate seduction. Could only be bettered if Tyson Beckford was applying the pressure - but then I'd only be focused on feeling his cock than enjoying the moment.

hey ho...

Check out my Facebook page if you fancy a more personal chat. I'm under the name Missy Gee.