Monday, 23 March 2009

fear and fear in Las Londres

I’m aware that right now I must be vigilant. I must take care to do things consciously and be careful about my motives for my actions. Why? I’m feeling vulnerable, alone and afraid.
And vulnerability encompasses my main emotions right now. It is at a time like this that I am most likely to be a danger to myself; even when its not pre-meditated.

I seem to have a propensity for trouble when I’m in this state of fear. If I am not focused on the moment, my current head space will see me voluntarily offer myself up for added confusion and more battered feelings as result of fickle decisions.

The best way to describe how I’m feeling is to imagine that you’ve been deprived of sleep for 24 hours, you’re strung out on coffee and there’s an air of expectant doom, and unknowing surrounding you.
I feel nervous and fearful right now; of the future and of my ability to look after myself.
You know, things that have often eluded me such as paying rent, organising bills, doing things that I’ve never really been wholly responsible for previously – and all this on my lowly temping wage.
I’m f**king 30 years old and I’m shitting myself at the idea or taking responsibility of my life. What a loser.

It’s at times like this that I’m aware of demons making their presence known in my life again. My ‘fuck it ‘attitude starts to seep through and although I try to ignore it, I’ll tell you something the ability to cross a boundary of sanity is currently alive and well.
Ultimately, at times of emotional turbulence every escape fantasy of mine leads to booze and drugs, possibly men and sometimes death – cos I’m aware I’m sitting on the precipice of freaking out.

But one thing for certain is I’m terrified of losing my sanity, if I was to use chemicals again. Death isn’t an option ‘cos I’m not brave enough to top myself and I’d regret it anyway….My only viable escape is sex. But in a way I don’t want to involve another person in my current instability. Maybe a male escort would do the trick… yeah, for that time and then once he’s gone it’s just me, alone, again.

I don’t like myself like this, yet at the same time my body is so used to this weird state, that I kinda get off on it. It feels painful, but I feel powerful through it. It’s a kind of survival thing perhaps; mania fuelled by adrenalin.
The same edge that cocaine gives, is how I’m feeling today and how I have been feeling for the past 48 hours, and I have no doubt s that I will continue to feel it for the coming days.
I can’t eat, I’m not sleeping but I know I must ride it through – that, or allow myself to fall into a familiar pit where darkness lurks, Vulchers dwell and Vampires reign supreme.
Saving that, maybe I should stop talking shit, stop feeling sorry for myself and think positively. Hey, I have lots to be grateful for…. Yeah, I do. No, I really do. “Yep, Gee get a grip, girl. Think of Jade Goody. I bet her family wishes she was here to b able to moan about her boyfriend leaving her…”
True, true…

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