Sunday, 29 March 2009

Better with Time

OK I’ve just listened to Leona Lewis - 'Better in Time'. She's lovely, no? Leona, I mean... I bow down to my mixed race sistah, for all her talent and integrity. I love when young people are able to work at their passion and become successful. Anyway, so as I was saying... I've just heard 'Better in Time' on the radio, and I have no desire to slash my wrists or throw myself off my building and impale myself onto the artwork below.
I must be recovering from my break up; for now anyway. I’m very changeable – I don’t think you need me to remind you of that.
I don’t have a sniffle in sight, over here. In fact late last night I wondered if my relationship with my boyfriend had ever actually happened? It seems distant some how, almost an imagined, extended moment.

“Was it all that easy. To just put aside your feelings” Leona Lewis
It’s not that I’m not thinking about him. I am, but it feels peculiarly as though one moment he was here, next - gone. Just like that. Gone. Did he ever exists?
Much like my mother. She was with me – then in a moment, a simple gesture of waving at her and she disappeared from my life never to be seen since. And that was 26 years ago.
“Thought I couldn’t live without you.”Leona Lewis-
I actually thought this about my boy a few months back. The psychologist reminded me that 4months ago, this is how I was talking to her. My fears were far worse than the reality, it often is, no? But now I’m questioning my own sincerity.I don't consider myself fickle, so what the fuck? How could I jump from an intense belief of love for him ( and others before him) to this? And this, at it's worst has been sadness tinged with a resignation to the reality of our incompatibility. For the first time ever during a break up I don't think I'm going to die. I don't think my life is over - you know why? Because with my boy I wasn't dependent. He's the first relationship where I have not needed him for something, and that is a revelation for me.
“Thinking that I deserve it. Now I realise that I really didn't know” Leona Lewis–
It’s as if my boy and I were trapped in a plug hole, perpetual gravity forcing us to spiral repetitively downwards and neither of us had the guts to do anything to change it, for 9 whole months. I could have grown, fed, loved, and kept a baby warm in my tummy ready to be hatched during that time. Nine months is not to be sniffed at. Life goes from nothing to existence and clearly the other way round. I thank God we didn’t spend more time trying to find the balls to eject ourselves from a no-win situation.

“If you didn't notice you mean everything”
Leona Lewis –
How can I do this to myself all the time? Why when I’m with someone do I take my friends, my focus, my ambitions, my individual life, pop it onto my shoulders then heap it all into the toilet?
I could blame him and say I was with the wrong person, which indeed I was – But this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. How weak and pathetic. If you met me you would never guess that I can be like that. It must be the obsessive side – I give everything all or nothing. Not good...not good.

“All I know is I'm gon' be ok”
Leona Lewis.

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