Sunday, 22 February 2009

The lover and Management speak

I'm back to my fighting weight today; smiling and chirpy, which I suppose is my usual state. At least I get told that quite a lot by other people which is lovely considering I am very open about my feelings. I don't hide anything.
If I'm down, angry or fed up people know it.

I am jolly a lot of the time despite being poor, family-less and no nearer having children or having a legitimate marriage - which is something I want in my life.
The rest of the time I fantasise about my death and wish I'd been drowned at birth...
Hey ho, anyway, back to today.

Today has been a good day. And today is my biggest concern. When I start thinking about the future, I get anxious and worried that some of my dreams I will not achieve. I worry about everything when I look into the future.
It's a blessing that I no longer live constantly in the past, though. For a long time I did and it was hell.

Today the lover has been feeling normal. Well put it this way - he hasn't been a grumpy git like he can be, which really gets on my tits. He swings from happiness to utter doom for no obvious reason, and that's without a hangover. He's not like this every day to be fair on him - but too often for comfort.

It grates on me because the guy has has everything in his life. Everything that matters. A fantastic, close and loving family. A sexy well paid job in Advertising. A home, friends, very good health. He's a hypochondriac so he gets regularly checked for cholesterol, thyroid, blah, blah, and gives blood on a regular basis - to get a free health check. He goes to the gym daily after work and watches that his diet is healthy and nutritious.
We couldn't be more different in many respects. He insists on buying only the best meat (most expensive)tons of fruit, he drinks fresh smoothies every day. He insists on eating only organic vegetables and he's a picky eater which really bugs me.

I, on the other hand aren't fussy about all that organic stuff. I am just grateful to be eating. And this morning I was certainly happy to be chomping on the delicious fry up he brought to me in bed. Organic or not - it was bloody tasty, so I shouldn't complain.

Ooo, listen to me! The cracks are showing, my friends... They've always been there - I just haven't been comfortable to share them with you yet.. Now I've started though - it'll all come flowing out. I'll take out my little log book of his misdemeanors and share them with you soon.
Just kidding! He's not that bad. Not all the time.

So it's all good at the ranch. Oh dear - did I just say that? I hate those kind of expressions... "It's all good" Oh, fuck off Gee! But you get the gist - today's been a good day. All gravy...err, another God-awful expression! "All gravy" Urrgh! Where the hell is that saying from?

Where do some of the expressions that are banded around our innocent ears come from, hey!? Take management speak - it's so harrowing to hear it at times.

I'm just a plain speaking girl from Yorkshire who doesn't tend to find herself in a, 'Blue sky thinking,' 'Move the goalposts' environment. I can do those things without verbalising them in that manner - indeed if I've understood their meaning correctly.
Hearing people use that kind of filthy language actually turns my stomach and nearly make me throw up. Luckily I don't get to hear those sayings often. And thank God that the lover, despite working in Advertising where this kind of speak is acceptable (actually, it's promoted) he despises it. In fact it's probably offices like the one he works in that bloody invented these grotesque sayings.

Let me tell you, I've worked in an office and I sometimes still do, but thank fully I've never had all that crap imposed on me daily.
You know something... I only learned how to use a computer in the past 3 years.
Before that my first 18 months after rehab I'd spent fucking one of the guys I met while in there and trying to hide from my scary new reality.
I remember that first time I went to a recruitment agency after getting clean and leaving prostitution.
It was an awful, awful experience. One I'm glad I don't need to ever repeat.
I'll tell you about that tomorrow.