Thursday, 5 February 2009

Insulting someone in the nicest possible way

'It's the thought that counts' is a statement which irritates the crap out of me.
My ex-boyfriend used this too many times when we first met and it really got up my nose. I thought he was taking the piss out of me by saying:
"yeah, I saw blah, blah and I thought of you..."
" Yeah? where is it then?"
It's not the thought that counts it's the doing - that's my philosophy - and if you can't 'do'then just don't mention it. Keep le mouth shut.
But over time I realised that he was saying this out of embarassment, because when we met he had no money. So what he'd do, the gorgeous mite, was tell me what he fantasised about being able to do more for me, for example holidays and Cartier - nice! But he simply couldn't afford to.
The poor guy had lost masses of money on a business venture which hadn't worked.
We'd got together when he was depressed and worrying himself sick about the plight he was in and I too, I was going through massive changes - I'd recently left rehab when we hooked up.
He and I had been friends for 3 years before we got together as a couple,(never done this before) that's why he bothered to tolerate my apres-rehab quirks (neurosis) and I tolerated his poverty. Kidding! I don't need to be with a rich man. God no! Altho, it'd be nice.
But I do want a man who can take me for dinner and the occasional weekend away and perhaps a couple of holidays a year. I think that is reasonable, no?

Anyway so back to my ex. We had already established a respect and a liking for one another before we got together. He knew me when I was drinking, sniffing and fucking for cash. Of course, he didn't know that I had sex for money - he'd have run to the hills and never got involved in a relationship with me; even after I'd stopped living that life.
He is very proud and the thought that people knew his girlfriend had once been a hooker would have killed him.
He'd admired my ' independence.' We met by both of us going to Kabaret, a club in SoHo.
He saw I never relied on other people (men) for drinks or taxis etc. After over 2 years of utter bliss together I realised why we'd remained just friends during the three years prior to our union.

No sex.
Ok, very rarely. And when we did it was usually just oral.
In the last 7 months we did no physical activity except kiss( peck) and holding hands. There just wasn't kind that of connection.
Can you believe it? hilarious, no? I, an ex-hooker end up in love with a man and in a sexless relationship.
But after 2 years I spoke to my dad and step-mum about the situation. When my 77 year old father told me that it was'not normal' I knew I had to get out. It turns out he and his wife were having more sex than me.

Another expression that is just silly is: ' With all due respect...' i.e.
'With all respect that's due to you, you're an c**t' - What a beautiful way to insult someone.
It's totally obselete in its most commonly used fashion, but it typifies middle-England inverted snobbery.
This was a favourite of my fathers.
Another phrase daddy enjoyed banding around was 'Madam' or 'Sir'; generally used when he was pissed off with someone.
The things that would piss him off are wide and varied but usually they amounted to him feeling 'snubbed'. An example of this could be if he said good morning to a shop assistant and they hadn't replied he'd launched into something along the lines of:
'Madam, I said Good morning to you and I find it most rude that you didn't have the decency to respond'.
God, I used to cringe - really bad.
When I was young I hated the way my father spoke. It is so English, so proper.
Of course now I love it, and the men who share a similar accent. But Saying that, the lover does have an accent but it's certainly not plummy English.

As a child I would see daddy getting cross over things which were of no concern to me, but quite naturally he'd share them with me. He didn't have a partner to confide his day to day disgruntlements with so I was the closest thing to that, almost a surrogate wife.
I was treated as an equal by my dad from the age of 5 years old. Our relationship is/was complex.
My opinion was asked on all things. And the only time I recall it being ignored was when I suggested we swap my single goldfish, for a tank full tropical fish. The answer was no, and I was reminded that in the time I'd had my pet goldfish I'd never washed it out and changed its water. Not once.

If anything is proof that I wasn't spoilt - it is this. I didn't get everything I wanted, you see. I didn't get those bloody fish!
I'm not bitter...
no, really, I'm not.