Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Tuesday, July 12, 2011 at 12:04pm

First word: Obsession.

What do you think of when you hear this word? I think, instability, pain, ones peace – raped.

: noun. The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

So over the past week, I’ve been losing the plot. I’ve felt out of control, and I hate that. As soon as my feelings are getting influenced by the presence of another person - however normal this may be - I freak out. Silly, really... I’m just terrified of losing myself, losing control of my own emotions, my life to a degree. Im terrified of trusting someone to not hurt me.

Oh, and by the way: Don't feel weird about the word; obsession. It often has negative connotations but it's just a word, and I'm just sharing with you a part of me that is often prevalent, thats all. It comes and goes and come and goes. It's just how I am.
I can pin point where this recent speit of instability started... It’s all very clear...

I sent my book to the publishers 2 weeks ago, and then felt a bit at a loss, and then, like a gift from the heavens – drum roll -- I suddenly met a boy. And a delicious one at that. Now, I’m not at all ashamed to admit that I’m pretty susceptible to pretty boys. I’ve tampered with one or two over my lifetime. Especially those who are sweet, a little bit cocky, who are taller than me and who give good kisses. So, this is what’s happened over the last seven days.

I feel so much better today though, than I have done and I accept how I am however annoying my feelings can be at times.

Second word: Equilibrium. What do you think when you hear this word? I think, balance, happiness, contentment, peace.

: noun
1.a state of rest or balance due to equal action of opposing forces.
2.equal balance between any powers, influences, etc.; equality of effect. mental or emotional balance; equanimity.

I’m fucking trying to get there. ... That’s all I can do - try, and smile along the way as often as I can.