Monday, 10 January 2011

My first time...

What a month! not the best and certainly not the worst of my life. I've been through worse and survived. So, I'll keep this as brief as possible because I intend to start writing more frequently here again. Yep, you've heard that before.

OK, first - something you should know - i have an unspoken policy - when i break up from a relationship I avoid speaking about the person and what we shared after the event. Here I will mention it because it's very relevant to what's been happening with me recently. Besides the last post i wrote here was an angry 'fuck addiction' cos i feared for my stability and sobriety and after finding out that my boyfriend has started drinking and god knows what that freaked me out and threw me into a spin..
As I stand right now - I am not currently fearing for myself. In fact I am hopeful, very hopeful.
I'm on the mend now. the lurgy is going... It's going and when it's gone I'll be ready to really focus again on finishing my second book and trying to do this documentary thing I've been trying to do.

But sadly a realisation occurred to me: My relationship with Blue has been shattered into many many tiny fragments. It is gone forever and it can never be repeated in any of its parts. It can only be repeated in memory. We are living wholly different lives. We've gone in two totally different directions. I know it's over, I've known it for a while but the extremity to which its over is sad. But with this thought I had another: I've got a gut feeling that Blue is happy. I feel that the direction his life is going right now, for him feels exciting, new and interesting. And that is quite an exciting concept, if this is the case.
I have no idea what he's doing and it's absolutely none of my business. If someone told me they could tell me what's going on with him, now, I wouldn't choose to know - but what I do know is that through this relationship I have grown up a little and I've learned to love.

For the first time I have not been emotionally dependent on the man I'm with. With Blue I was the more 'developed' in terms of self-development and getting my life together, after the havoc of addiction.

For the first time I've been aware of loving someone unconditionally. For the first time I've been more sexually experimental and open with him than I have been with anyone before. He was my first partner to know that I was once a hooker, so I was not carrying secrets. This changed more than i initially realised. For the first time, I accept with respect for him that he must go on the journey he is choosing to go on, regardless of any possibly negative consequences for him. For the first time, I am not consumed with jealousy about him being with other women. I passed this quite a while ago, strangely. I am confident in what the two of us shared to know that he cannot, as I, cannot find the same thing 'just like that'.

For the second time in my life (the first was Alex, the guy in my book) I was lucky enough to experience an utterly compelling and magnetic physical connection with someone. Together we lived a new, exotic fire-ball of sexual energy which on the contrary to feeling sad that I've lost - I am quietly smug that we had that. And what is exhilarating is the knowledge that in spite of the physical connection, if that's there or not in the future - this will not be for the last time that I love as passionately as I did Blue.

I've got a strangely good feeling about what is to come in the next months. I feel more in control of my life than I have done, ever, i think. I'm choosing to not be with another man for now. Even for something casual - I don't want it. That makes me feel calm and in charge of my life. This is the first time where my life is for me and only me and that is a massive personal development.

This is the first time ever in my life that I'm living completely independently and I'm completely single. And you know something else?

This is the first time hat I wouldn't want it any other way.
For now.

A song for ya: