Monday, 15 November 2010

A tale of many parts

As you may know already I'm on Lamu island, off Kenya. A world heritage site. It's a pretty island. Very small and the only transport here are donkeys. There are no cars, plenty of creepy crawlys and lots of humidity.
I'm staying with a friend. Yep, male, and yes, platonic. I couldn't be doing with any man-drama after the Blue fiasco, which is still raw and painful. Less painful now, I think. I've kinda switched off. My feelings are not accessible to me. I've had to do this. To coin a phrase used by Alex my ex-boyfriend whom I mention in my book, Hooked. I've switched off for purposes of 'self preservation'. Pompous as it sounds, it's definitely something like that.

Its turned into a weird situation which i no longer profess to have any understanding of, so I will not continue to try to. He ended our relationship. His reasons are his own and I've tried to get us back and he doesn't want to, so I surrender to what lies ahead of me. And I always try to be upbeat.

Blue emailed me the other day to say that he'd like us to 'At least be friends because it would seem odd and wrong to not even be able to communicate.'
Apparently he 'Couldn't bear to have any bad feelings between us.'

Right. So, he dumps me for no very clear reason and now this?

I suspect he'd like us to 'be friends' for his own gain... a bit of a distant security blanket. I'm a good egg, me; a loyal ally and he knows it. I won't be that 'comfortable sweater' if that's what you'd hoped for in a friendship, I emailed back.

I guess he won't feel quite so bad if we're 'friends' or at least if he's offered the hand of friendship to me.
How noble. He can keep it. It's been a very long time since I have felt this confused in a relationship - and before I combust - I've waved the white flag. I now know what he meant about 4 weeks ago when he said that he 'Can't cope.' Then he finished me harshly. Iknow, I know, he didn'tknow how else to do it, bless 'im...

So now, maybe he can cope. With what? That wasn't clear in the email. He said he has 'plenty he could say but wont in an email'. But I guess he said all that he meant - 'Let's be friends...' Ahhh... Problem is, now, it's me who can't cope. Not with this.

I'm tired, tired, tired. I've emailed him back and I've told him that i can no longer do this thing. I cannot be his friend and we need to cut all contact.

Here's a song for ya...