Sunday, 22 November 2009

Blue and Me.

Yesterday I had extensions put into my hair. I needed to have a change because I’ve been feeling odd. Infact, I’ve been going through what I consider an ‘episode.’ Extreme and quick changes in mood; tears, tears and more tears and feelings of acute aloneness, which manifest themselves in unbearable insecurity. I often go through this stuff. Insecurity can grip me and it can last for days making me feel physically anxious. When I go into this emotional place I feel a trifle mad. My head feels as though it is chattering negatively and I feel vulnerable because of that. These are the reasons I started taking drugs and drinking. Once an ‘addict’ stops using chemicals – you are left with the person who originally started. For me, like many, there were problems before I started self-medicating with narcotics and booze.
My feelings of the past days has taken over the joy of having a new look in the form of long, flowing hair. Hmmm...
The aloneness I experience some times is very real to me. I can often feel incredibly isolated and confused. It’s hard for me to expand on this – except to say that I become confused about the reality of situations. This paranoia makes me question everything and everyone; even strangers of the tube who happen to look at me, I wonder what is going on... Is something wrong? Is something about to happen? But I struggle most when I'm in an intimate relationship.

Today, I spent with Blue. I actually met with him yesterday and it was hard work form the beginning. We were both feeling poo and insecure. I wasn’t going to say anything to him about my fragile mood, but as usual, it was written on my face for all to see. He encouraged me to open up ( which usually is never a problem) but knowing that he’d had a crap day I wanted to pretend to be strong – ‘Faking it to make it’ can really work, you know...

Anyway , literally, (and I’m not exaggerating here ) we have talked about insecurity, particularly mine, within this relationship, since 7.30pm yesterday evening until about 20 minutes ago. I’m bloody exhausted and although we were braver in our openness than we’ve ever been, still, I don’t feel wonderful. We’re both communicators and we both took risks with our thoughts and feelings that I wouldn’t want to make habit. I guess it proves how that we both want this. And thankfully because Blue has been through the same treatment program (for drugs and alcohol) as me – we understand the benefits of real and honest communication.

The problem I have, here, is the frequency of our liaisons. It’s not enough for me. Well, sometimes, I’m OK with it – but other times I sulk. He stays over at weekends and we'll meet once or twice, maybe during the week for lunch or dinner.

OK, I’ll try to explain his situation as simply as I can.

Blue left rehab 1 year ago. He was in there for 6 months. Since leaving the treatment centre he has lived in a shared house with 5 other people that have been in rehab. I’ve been round, it’s alright, clean, modern, but it’s not his own place, and he feels a tad inadequate because he’s living there. I don’t care – although I know the set-up may not seem sexy to most people... But, it’s where he’s right now. Not forever. I mean, what am I meant to do? Let him go because he’s been on his arse and he's broke, even though he’s had the guts to clamber his way back onto life's ladder?
What is happening with Blue, right now, is what happened with me and anyone else who goes to rehab and changes their life. Everything about ones past life must change, and to do that is very bloody difficult. Of course it may seem easier if an individual does not have children and a partner – but in some respects the change process becomes harder, because the recovering person will be advised (by therapists and commonsense) to make more drastic changes in their life.

Blue is trying hard, very, very hard to create stability and a life for himself. Drugs robbed him of everything. He was unable to be productive with anything. So, now, he has got onto a course to study acting. He is putting everything into it. This course entails a lots of written work which he finds difficult to concentrate on. He’s hugely disorganised - a very common trait amongst recovering addicts. He’s uncertain of his abilities to succeed, he’s hard on himself, and he struggles some times with things that may appear basic to many, such as managing his time.

We’re talking about someone, here, who spent years caning it – only to choose to wake from his 15 year long slumber to find that good things and clarity of thought do not just drop from the sky just ‘cos he’s stopped using drugs. What you are left with is someone who struggles, especially initially. And let’s face it – the consequences of 15 years of daily drug abuse will not be eradicated by 18 months of drinking juice.
I know and I understand. So, for this reason when my Blue feels so inundated with his college work that he feels unable to stay over at mine other than at weekends, because he’s panicking his arse off 'cos he’s behind with his work - then I must try to hang in there and be patient, I reckon.

We share too much emotionally, and physically for us to just give up on this. I have been desperately insecure and I hate being like that, but what can I do? It doesn't change the fact of Blue being at this juncture in his life. Do I leave him because of it? Do I leave a guy who I have a unique connection with and whom I adore for his mind, his intelligence, his gentleness... I'm risking loads. I've given myself to him for a hope.
Is that crazy? But don't dreams, hopes, make us fully human?

It takes yonks for things to feel more organised and for the person to become more focused. And by the way - I’m not ‘healed.' I am not 'recovered' I am in a process of recovery... vital difference there. But things are getting better, for the most part.
Life, and my emotions are easier to manage most days, and even if I do sometimes go through times of high anxiety, tears and insecurity, so what, I guess, eh? What else can one ask for except progress...