Sunday, 31 May 2009

How honest are You?

Yee Gods! I feel like I haven’t written on here for yonks! (‘Yonks’ – love that word.)
That’s either because I don’t usually have a life out side of writing my blog, or the past 2 days has dragged. Well, it’s not the latter because I’ve spent the weekend with Dee in his palatial residence rolling around in mutual adoration, in a beautiful leafy area of London.

We had a beautiful weekend with glorious sunshine beaming onto the bedroom balcony where we spent most of yesterday – myself, in a cotton pink and white gingham thong, him, in blue shorts. We had bickers x2.

Yesterday was bicker numero 1. Today, number 2 - but strangely for me I don't feel compelled to write about our tiffs. They don’t feel important enough. Something has changed in me the past 2/3 weeks with regards Dee and me. In fact, I’ve changed somehow with regards many things. I have cooled down my excessive peering into the future and trying to predict it. As a result my stress levels have dropped dramatically. ( For now.) I am not one to make dramatic statements about myself 'changing' unless I really, really feel it. I am all too aware how change take time for anyone. But I've had a year.

It’s taken me a year to trust that this man will not leave me. He has jumped through many, many tough hoops and he has remained resilient and consistent with his love for me. Done deal. He’s got everything I want in a man. Everything. He has the qualities that make me want to give him all my good.

Just one thing... his attitude to money needs to alter – but that no doubt will come. He’s used to being self sufficient and not having a girlfriend – especially an irresponsible one like me.
He’s not mean, not at all. He’s just not generous like other men I’ve known. He doesn’t spoil me to death buying me stuff, (which is probably good for me. It encourages my own independence rather than relying on a man which i’ve always done) but he absolutely treats me like a princess. I feel cherished by him. The guy loves me, that’s clear. He tells me all the time, he’s incredibly complimentary. He pampers me, and heaps me with affection constantly.

Anyway, that said, I left him today and there was a little grey cloud hovering above our otherwise perfect weekend. I started thinking... (because of the bickers) because I am not going to mention our disputes – does that make me somehow ‘dishonest’ by saying that the weekend was ‘ perfect?’ The thing is I am so used to living like an open book I question the meaning of honesty sometimes. I have been trained through therapy and rehabilitation programs to be ferociously honest – but do people really live like that?

For example there are a few things I could tell you here, but I don’t because I fear that the person involved may read this and I don’t want them to know what I’m thinking ... So does that mean I am not being honest with you?
This isn’t a big deal, I’m just thinking aloud... What does honesty mean to you?
I started thinking about just how honest people are when they communicate with each other.
In this case, me to you. I tell you facts ( usually) about a lot of events. But it’s impossible to say everything that goes on in life, isn’t it?

When someone ask you how you are – invariably we say ‘ fine,’ ‘good,’ ‘great,’ cos if we spoke our truth which at times is ‘ shoddy,’ ‘down,’ ‘worried,’ people would run, wouldn’t they? You know what I mean... When you go to your friend’s house to eat and she asks : ‘ How’s the food?’ You say ‘lovely’ when actually you may be thinking it’s bloody bland and needs spicing up..... Is this a lie? Are you being dishonest? Or just tactful?
Do you tell your work colleague that you cant stand their new top when they ask you your thoughts? We are all raised to believe that honesty is essential, right? But somewhere along the line people learn to become social liars, because it is necessary, no? People often don’t tell the truth – Maybe we must all lie a little most days...

So my question is - at what point do those 'social lies' cross the line and become unacceptable dishonesty?