regression

I had a session with the Psych today. It went well. I did my usual and regressed into being a kid when I talked about my inability to trust any man I get close to.
She explained how my last relationship pre-Dee was a father/ daughter affair. He looked after me in all areas of life and I remained irresponsible and child like. That’s what I’m used to in relationships – being taken care of emotionally and in every way, so I don’t have to function as an adult. My thing with Dee is the first time I’ve ever been involved with someone who refuses to father me, but who encourages me to be an equal. Some times I hate that. In fact most of the time I feel I can’t cope with it.

I want to stand here in front of you and proclaim that I am a strong and confident woman. And in many respects I am and have given that appearance most of my life. It’s only when people get close that the obvious cracks appear. I don’t try to hide them ever. But you know what its like when first meeting someone – many assumptions are made before they even open their mouth. Then more assessments are made within seconds of them speaking. Most will be good, at least you hope so – some may be a little less good.

I am aware that because I am tall and I’ve been blessed with a lithe physique, a cute smile, and I paid for some nice tits that some people make an presumption that everything in my life is good. I live in a swanky flat which was actually rented by someone else. A guy I had a fling with – but he decided not to move in, so I took the place.... long story which I can’t be bothered to go into now.
Anyway, I’ve always had this bizarre ability to give the appearance that everything is great. People judge others on so much – but so much is bullshit. The real me, as you all know suffers with acute ups and downs and often get stuck in my own world of downness.

This wont last much longer, this bout. A couple more days as most, I reckon. I can’t even attribute this few days of blackness to my period, cos you know what? I'm late again – and that proves that those blinkin’ ovulation tablets did sweet fuck all.
Too bad.

I need to get my head out of my ass and get my spirit back in order. Get back to my usual state of bumbling through life laughing at its peculiarities.
Sorry to burden you with this. But if I wrote something here that sounded anything other than miserable, I wouldn’t be telling you my truth and I promised myself when I started this, that the truth will out. Always.








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