Saturday, 4 April 2009

a journey of recovery

On 7th May it will be five years since I went into rehab, but I am not five years clean. I’m four years clean.
After leaving treatment in Bristol, I had 11months of ‘sobriety’(I was not drinking, sniffing or hooking during that time - but I was far from sober of mind) So, after 11 months I relapsed for 8 days.

I went on a crazy splurge - a story in itself - the how, with whom, and of course, the events (that i remember.) Anyway, after those 8 days I stopped, and I have been stopped ever since...
It’s actually around now, end of March beginning of April that I have officially been clean for 4 whole years. Unbelievable. I’m pleased with myself, and so is my daddy, of course, altho Papa Gee thinks it’s five years clean time that I have, cos I didn’t tell him about my fall from grace. I'd have put him in an early grave had he known about the relapse.

I will give myself a pat on the back for my personal achievement, if you don’t mind – I know it means little or nothing to other people and I’m over needing congratulations from people about it. But I gotta tell ya, sobriety is something I could never imagine, especially for myself. Even during the first 18 months of ‘clean time’ I thought I wouldn’t survive another 18 months. Hell no. I was in pieces.
I haven’t had this change of life, and perception handed to me – I have worked fucking hard for my altered state of mind. I’m not sure that’s saying anything considering I can still be unruly at times, but I guess the difference is that, nowadays I am free. My choices are my own, most of the time as long as I keep my emotions in check.
I certainly don’t not have the shackles that ensconced me for many years, blighting my every move and thought and plan and action – (to get money for coke and to drink like a nutter)weighing me down every second of every minute of every day.

I think i need to go into a bit of detail about how I am where I am now
(emotionally.) How I manage to maintain sobriety and which processes have worked to help me free me from myself.
If you’ve been reading my scrawling regularly you will realise that I went through a fair bit of cack in my life’s journey, so far. But one thing I can tell you with some gusto, is, that I am very, very, very, very unlikely ever go back to the place I was in (emotionally) before I went into rehab. I could almost say that I will never go back – but of course I can. I could be drinking, and sniffing tomorrow ( or tonight if i could be bothered to get myself out of the house and into a club) and I could sell my snatch for cash the day after.
There are of course, no guarantees with life; but it’s a huge blessing that today I feel confident about my ability to stay sober and stay clean off drugs. But at the same time, and this may seem strange after I’ve said that , but – I am highly aware how very, very easy it would be to ‘ just have a drink’ or ‘ just one line.’ It’s every where. Very accessible - but I don’t do it. It even surprise me that I don't... and another thing for certain - it’s not will power that stops me. It’s something else...
and I must try to explain to you what that something else is...

Check out my Facebook page if you fancy a more personal chat. I'm under the name Missy Gee.