Self Indulgent - Moi ?

Who are you? Do you even know? I mean, do you really know? Do you change quickly? OK, maybe like me, your core values remain the same –(and yes, I do have them despite a wayward past!) but do you see yourself differently from day to day? Does your mood change quickly? Mine can. Usually by me allowing other people too much power over my feelings.
Could you say that you’re happy most of the time? Perpetually depressed? Always grouchy? Always upbeat? OK, I could probably say I’m always frisky ... and no doubt, you’d agree that you are too, eh, but that probably wouldn't be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I’ve just posted a photo of me smiling. I look happy. I often see myself objectively, in fact more often than not. I see the photo and it makes me sad. Of course, that sadness is about my past. The lost innocence thing.
I deeply regret having lived how I did and doing the things that I did. I don’t live in the regret – absolutely not – but if I could turn back time and change things would I; even it it meant that I would have less understanding of people, suffering, and life? And what if, say, I would swap who I am today and become more of an arsehole. Would I still go back and change things?

Damn right I would. I would change the lot!

I want to be able to look at an up-to-date photo of me looking happy and be able to embrace it for what it is, instead of feeling glum that I fucked up. Yeah, I know, I know I’m fighting back, I know that – but really, you will never understand the ricochet effect my past has had on my whole life; my father’s life, my perceptions. Everything has been tainted by it. Everything. This is one hangover that will take years to rectify, if ever.

I find it all rather sad. Not that it’s me. But that someone can do that to themselves. There is still a little girl inside me (you can see in the smile that is poking from the photo)and it makes me want to cry thinking about how that little girl was loved dearly by my father – and yet I crumpled on everything he created and everything that I was and was growing to be.

But, my loves, as I’ve been told numerous times in past therapy sessions, I am no longer that little girl. Yeah, she’s around, very much some times! But it is Clare, the woman who dominates today. (I keep telling myself this, maybe I’ll start to believe it sometime, then act it.) And I need to remind myself that Clare the woman, is entitled to smile inspite of past dodginess. I’ve analysed the arse out of myself for years and today I wouldn’t go to a therapist if they paid me. I’m therapied out, for the time being, and I need to focus on moving forward not always looking back.
This kind of chat, here, is very self indulgent and must come across as an egotistical so-and so. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. Who knows? I’ve no doubts that you’d do the same if you were writing a blog about your own life. Justify me!

But ultimately, as I’ve said before with regards to everything in life – I guess:
‘The people that matter don’t mind. The people that mind, don’t matter’
Hear hear!






http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

smiling for a change!

http://www.missygee.com


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Music Personality

You know that I love music, right? OK – So I have inserted links to four tracks that are apparently representative of me, who I am, aspects of my personality, if not, big chunks of the whole.

Groove is in the heart, Deelite - nominated by SG, one of my closest girl friends from oop north who knows me very, very well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4D1HSL7P98

Cornflake girl, Toris Amos - nominated by KS, a friend that I’ve known since I was 19 years old. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdz9rEM1I5c

Roads, Portishead - nominated by me. This is how I view myself, my inner workings and the person that I am when I’m alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1jyL3cr60

Finally, this, below, is how I wish I was all the time...
If you don't like this track then I really just don't know what to say anymore my darlings... I really will not know what to say.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4czVmZQUbM

http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

My fella is moving In...

Oh my... I’m blummin' pooped!
Work has been absolutely hectic the past two weeks; the end of the tax year is very significant for my work place. Hells bells! At least tomorrow will signify its end, and the start of a little more tranquility in the office.
I’ve been absent from here for a couple of reasons:

1. I’m plain tired and I have been too whacked to write the blog after work and too busy during the day. Sorry.

2. I’ve been weaning myself off the addictional tendencies I develop when on Facebook, daily. It takes up too much time and prevents me from focusing on doing the stuff that I want to do for my future. All the hours spent on Facebook, I could be spending some of those on researching production companies and getting to grips with the treatment that I am writing for a documentary proposal. But I want to keep in contact with the friends that I’ve made on here – and I thank you for your patience.

3. I need and want to get involved with charity work and I need to get on with that in order to make it happen. If my emotional struggles cannot be turned into positives by helping other people – I feel I will not be quite whole.

4. Finally, another reason I've cooled off from writing a daily blog is because Blue told me a little over a week ago that he sometimes gets confused between Clare and Missy Gee and this upsets him. I don't want him to be upset, so I've taken a breather.
As I’ve said time and time again, apart from my openness and honesty, in person I am not how I write. My verbal tone is not so grrr! (most of the time)
I am not as mouthy, blunt or as crude as I may make out. I'm confident but often shy. Most of the time I am Clare, the girl my father brought up, who is not exactly so Leary as the style of the writing within the book and on occasions, this blog. And this is the Clare that I want to be, the majority of the time.

Anyway, I’m here now, and I intend to participate more over the coming weeks, mon cheries. I simply need to be vigilant because I don’t like walking into my flat after work and instantly I reach for my lap top. I have a rounded life and I don’t think that it is healthy for me to spend too much time online.
So... there are less than 100 days (By God's Grace) until Hooked is published. Yaay!
I am not sure if I made a formal announcement – but I need to tell yous something –
Hooked is no longer going to be published in March. It will now be ready for you in May. God, I was in tears when I found out. I was at work wailing my head off!
But I soon realised that this is better for many reasons; airport sales being a huge one, and lets face it, many thousands of books are bought by people heading off to foreign destinations. Sound odd? – but it’s true.

It’s all going to be good. I have faith. I’m not thinking too much about the publication date, to be truthful. I have so many things that I am doing right now (or should I say, working towards) that May will come in due course. That’s such a silly statement – Of course the month of May will come, and only when it comes!

Right, I’m going to eat some Moussaka then watch a film.
By the way: Blue is moving into my place over the weekend...........
............. only for 4 weeks! worry not!

will tell all tomorrow.



By the way: If you haven't seen the new book cover - take a look here...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

It's About Perception, Right?

Life is difficult.
Have you read ‘The Road Less Traveled’? I haven’t. Not yet. I’ve had it with me for years but never read it. I’ve flicked through it and the most poignant thing I noticed within the book is the opening line. ‘Life is difficult’. Maybe for some more than others.
I have no idea how you, sitting there reading this cope with life. I only know how I do. If I could tune down my emotions I’m sure I’d have a far more pleasant experience of living, more of the time – or maybe not... I just talk about the strife, rightly or wrongly and maybe that breathes unnecessary life into difficulties.
Regardless, one must work with what they are today, right?
I find living fucking nearly impossible sometimes, although thank God I understand that it is all about perception. Many things are a mirage. They do not have to stay how I initially perceive them – but sometimes my perception is rather murky, if not utterly clouded; and tell me, when does one decide they are kidding themselves and not living in reality?

I’ve had a wonderful few days with my parents. I think it’s fair to say they did too. We were more relaxed in each other company than ever before. Lovely. And then today as they left we bickered.
The issue? Blue and me. They really like him. They met him twice. I knew they’d like him. So what is the problem? Our situation. The fact that Blue has an arduous journey ahead of him. Trying to rebuild ones life is both emotionally and practically immensely difficult – particularly when you have never had possessions, a ‘proper’ job, and secure place to live.
This is the same journey that I have been taking over the past six years, therefore I know the emotional and practical difficulties that he faces. My parents are concerned that I should perhaps consider the hardships of being with someone who is not earning an income and who is not settled, no property etc, and think that this may not be conducive with my happiness and my desire to reach my own personal goals, marriage, children, peace of mind - and to be fair, I would like a certain standard of living : two or three holidays a year, a house, the ability to buy stuff that i want without thinking about it. I’m talking basics. Albeit some pricey(ish) basics, but I’m not talking Cartier and Jo Malone candles.
I’d like to be able to eat out maybe two or three times a week without counting pennys. Obviously this is before children come along.... But one thing at a time, eh?! This is not a tall order – this is normal living, for me.

I get so fucking confused at times and I don’t know what is real and what is the right thing. How does one prioritise with such things? Fuck.
I mean, at what point does someone give up on something or someone? When it causes pain? How much pain? At what point are they wrong to continue in something that is causing strife for their individual life? So if I was with a man who lost his job should I do a runner? At which hurdle is it ‘expected’ that I bugger off? OK, my folks may argue that it may help if I was with someone who indeed had a job to lose. They certainly seem to think that life would be more pleasant for me if I wasn’t on a roller coaster ride due to the struggles that my partner is going through. Fuck. Is 6 months too soon to decide to support someone going through a tricky situation? How long do I wait to see the reward? Because I am no saint and I want a payback. I would want us to get something good as a couple from the bollocks we’re both going through now. But there we go - another of life’s realities. There are no guarantees.
Do I leave Blue to be with someone who has a job, house, career and who is not a recovering addict? Or perhaps a recovering addict who has his shit in order already? I’m into my thirties already, I know that. My step-ma kept reminding me. OK OK, I’m aware of my own date of birth for Christ’s sake.

Blue is having a drama right now involving finding a flat, guarantors, immediate future. He’s down, anxious, worried and I don't know what I can do. He can stay with me - but I know he wants the experience of living alone and being self sufficient. Just as I did. Just as I relied on men to get by when I used drugs - Blue relied on women. He may have to move out of where he stays now on Wednesday and he’s in a state of panic. This rubs off on me. I get the feeling that this may be a cycle that we, I, will be presented with very frequently. OK, once he moves it won’t be his accommodation that is the issue, it’ll be another...

There is little that is secure and settled with him right now. So. ................ When the hell am I supposed to decide to jump ship and leave someone that I love??
Why is it that my head is buzzing and insecurities are so often rife in my head? I’m so fucking bored of my insecurities. They are an afliction which I feel every day. Many days self doubt grips me for much of the day. Should I therefore be alone and not bother being with someone? Insecurity takes me hostage usually only when I’m involved with someone.
Fuck.
Can someone please quieten my head please?

Ahh, yes. It’s simply about perception. Right?

" Yes Clare, it is. So, pull ya socks up - just for you."

OK, OK, I'll try.... Gonna have a bath. Then spring back, right? Is it that simple?

"It can be. Happiness is a choice."

I've heard all that before. Sometimes it ain't that easy.

" Try ... Try... That's all you can do."

Right - OK, I will......


copy and paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ocTgFdRU8c

the Two Men in My Life.

Ah-ha! I’ve just noticed that I haven’t written a post since the one where I was complaining about Blue and that girl who relapsed and how upset and angry I was that he felt compelled to go to her ‘rescue,’ despite her being an old bed-buddy, of sorts.
Well after 72 hours of what can best described as hell on earth, Boy Blue and I finally sorted things out. He has promised not to respond to the said girl’s texts or calls. I can only hope that he doesn’t. I trust him, but let me tell ya - before we got to the point of things becoming steady again, the boy and I had a huge bust-up; the biggest that we’ve had. I want to go into detail but it’s better that I don’t. Suffice to say that if you’d been travelling on the district line approximately 20.30 one day last week (I think it was last week) then you may have witnessed it and heard it. Or perhaps I should say me, not ‘it.’
I lost the plot and behaved in a manner that was not uncommon when I used drugs, but very unusual now I am a clean living-ite. So, after tussling with Blue (because I desperately wanted him to listen to me and I felt that he wasn’t) I broke down, sobbed and he held me. Then the anxiety kicked in, and the mis-trust was forcing me to consider finishing this thing for good. He knew that’s how I felt and he made some moves in order to prevent me walking away.

So, it’s good, for now. I’m over the fury about some random woman entering my life and my relationship uninvited and causing a ruckus. I haven’t heard anything about this girl from Blue over the past week and I don’t suppose that if he’d heard from her (which would put him in a vulnerable position) that he’d be able to keep it to himself; at the very least without me suspecting. He’s very sensitive is Blue; easy to read.

NEWS: Daddy Gee and his Missus are in London. They arrived yesterday and are staying in a hotel. My place is too small – and smokey, and for non-smokers, that’s not pleasant. My words not theirs, altho they were round at mine last night and I cooked my soon-to-be-known-as signature-dish seared smoked salmom, with prawns and leaks in a light peppery/garlic sauce served with couscous.
Blue and I are getting together with them after I leave work today. First time Blue will meet my Pops. I’m excited! I’m interested to see what they make of each other. I get the feeling that they will recognise themselves in one another. Awww, cute! Yipppeee!!

By the way, complete change of subject: if any of yous are any good at power point – I could do with some help to tidy up this presentation thingy I’m trying to do.
Muchos love.







http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Doing Stephen Fry.

I’ve recently done a Stephen Fry and just buggered off without warning. I guess I should apologise.
I’m here. Not sure why I disappeared, but I did. There’s nothing wrong. In fact, the opposite – things are fantastic in Gee Towers, with laptop and with the Boy Blue.
I must have felt a desire to detach a little. Just like any intimate relationship I get involved in, I have these urges at times to be removed from it and I often do exactly that – detach – think only about myself, then come back.

In the book ‘Men are from Mars Women are from Venus’ they talk about males of the species being like rubber bands. They will ebb and flow as part of their natural development through a relationship and it means nothing. Well, there we have it. I am like a man, clearly.

I guess I dislike feeling responsibility towards people. A little is fine, more than that and I fluctuate between feeling mild irritation, to panic.
Anyway – a step back does me the world of good and now mon amores – Je suis back; stronger, sexier, more focused and finding it hard to walk. That Blue ... Jesus, he puts me through it...

Amazon.co.uk: clare gee: Books

Amazon.co.uk: clare gee: Books

http://www.missygee.com

I am fu**ing furious / am I being selfish?

So – I am in a quandary and I need your help ... I can’t decided whether I should take my usual stance of integrity and not tell you what is pissing me off, or whether I should just go for it...I think I will just go for it.
I’ll try and keep it as simple as possible – which you know will be very difficult for me and I will try even through my anger to just tell you the facts, without loading it to make me sound betrayed, which is how I feel.

Current mood: fury mixed with intense anxiety. I haven’t eaten all damn day.
Reason? Blue.

There is a girl. Blue had a fling with her, of sorts, when he first left rehab 18 months ago. Before we ever met. They had no chemistry – she was cold as ice and he was nervous as hell – so all in all it was disastrous, he tells me. I believe him. Regardless of this he got quite attached to this girl. I’ve seen a photo of her – she’s very pretty and like so many men – I think he stupidly got hypnotized by that.
When they were ‘seeing’ each other, Blue wanted her to show him affection and she was unable to– she had her own shit to deal with, and simply put they weren’t right for each other. This attempt at a relationship went on for around 2 month, with apparently awkward attempts at sex occurring 3 or 4 times. I don't remember. The two of them ended up just hanging out more than screwing. It’#s a hellish time when one leave rehab. Everything is magnified and you’re a nervous wreck as a rule. This girl lives abroad – but I have found out today that she is currently in London. She is a recovering addict too – and last night she relapsed. She took drugs again after a few years abstinence and in her panic who did she call? No – not Ghost Busters – instead she called Blue. Why?
I knew they have occasional contact on facebook – but this? She fucking relapses and she calls Blue? So, my dear Blue who understand that our ‘new’ relationship is fragile and we’re both insecure so we must be vigilant with regards considering one another's feelings, agrees to take her to an NA meeting today.
Come lunch time when he was meant to meet her - he called and her phone was off. So that was that.
I happened to call Blue to see if he wanted to meet for lunch, unaware of any of this and that’s when he told me about what had happened. WTF? OK, she relapsed. Surely she has other friends in London that she could have contacted? ‘No one she trusts enough to let them know that she used drugs again’ says Blue. OK, I understand that she doens’t want all and sundry to know about her current situation –BUT - WTF?? 'No one at all other than Blue that she fucking trusts?'

Nah, I ain’t having this – “If you go with her to a meeting, I’m telling you, that will be a sign to me that you want nothing more to do with me.” I barked at him. “Take that as a threat or whatever you want – It’s a fair warning. I feel like you’re taking the fucking piss out of me.” I stormed out of the cafe.
OK I get that the girl needs help – but honestly? I think Blue should put my insecurities first and he should have advised her to contact someone else – someone that they both know, instead of him arranging to meet her today. If she had picked up her phone at lunch time I wouldn’t have known he was meeting her until afterwards. That behaviour is meant to be off limits within the realms of our relationship. He would argue that this woman was distressed – therefore he has to help another ‘addict’ who is asking for help. This is the real fucking worl mate. I hear you, I really do - but you know I'd hate it... so why did you just go ahead?
She's not a kid. She's lived in London for years before this. She knows the coup with regards meeings... She knows people from NA - there is simply not an iota of doubt about that.
I’m fucking angry. After everything ...
To me this shows an acute inability that Blue has to prioritise. That or he's tottally disregarded my feelings.
I think my feelings should have come first. I am resolute that he should have got someone else to take her to a meeting.

Now, my second quandary. Am I being a selfish shit?? Blue seems to think so, and maybe I am – but I reckon he’s saying that to point the finger at me instead of having the fucking humility to tell me that he understand why I feel that he has been sneaky.
A friend of mine ( who i've slept with, so it's the same situation as Blue and this girl ) relapsed recently and I didn't meet him. I gave him advise and told him who to call. I didn't meet him because Blue’s feelings are my priority. That may sound hardcore to you. To me, it’s about prioritising.

I’m fucking angry as hell. I’m not one of those people that cools down and starts idealising a relationship which has combusted. Hell no – I get angrier for a while – then I become indifferent – but I never glorify.

Blue, in my opinion has acted like a short sighted puppy dog who clearly has forgotten who feeds him.
“ Go chase the relapse, maybe you’ll rescue her and she’ll fall into your arms.” I text him afterwards.
He text back that I am selfish and he doesn’t want that in his life – ‘I'm astounded by your lack of empathy. don’t text me back.’ He added.

Don’t worry, I won’t.





http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

NEW WORD: ' Shitanigans'

I’m sitting here in a white vest and black leggings, scoffing vanilla fudge, drinking PG Tips and listening to La Traviata while trying to make room in my brain to start writing some more of UnHooked.
I must seem anal always banging on about ‘trying’ to write this second book – but the conditions must be right for me to write. (Excuses, excuses) Cool room temperature, tummy not too full of food and I must try to detach my thoughts of anything other than what I am writing about. Right now I am unable to do that because:
1. I’m writing this blog.
2. I have music playing.
3. I am excited. I got sent a second cover for Hooked and I love it!
4. I’m thinking about the weekend. Nothing happening apart from seeing Blue. Ahhh, we’re in love!

So all in all – Je suis not ready just yet. Maybe writing this post will help me get into the tap, tap, tapping mood I need to be in – get a bit of a flow going, over here...
I didn’t go to work today. It was lovely having a day off, but back to it tomorrow, when after work I start that grammar course I told you about. I can’t wait! I love to feel as though I am helping myself to become better. I get a real buzz from it. In fact living life consciously and always trying to be better I find rather thrilling. I actually get huge elation from it. Call me boring – I don’t mind. I’ve done my shitanigans (new word alert! 'shitanigans' Do we like??) – I'm now on a different thing all together.

Blue and I had a chat the other day... We talked about some of the stuff that we fantasise about. I’ve discovered that he is not as ‘liberal’ as he has tried to portray himself to be. He thought it’s what I wanted to hear. I’m relieved that he’s not out to prove his liberalness any more , cos liberal is not exactly a word I choose to descirbe myself, sexually. Phew!
Just cos I was once a hooker, please don’t be naive and think that, that makes me some libertarian. You’d be wrong. I sold my ass to get money for cocaine. It was deeper than that – but I’m not going into all that now. It's too complex.
But the point is, sex for money was a survival thing and a sensible one at the time.

If you don't understand that – I’m happy for you. That means that your life went in a different direction to mine. I don’t hold that against you – so don’t hold my past against me –and if you do – remember that it is God that will cast the last stone – not you.
The sex with clients was mostly pedestrian. It certainly wasn’t like some books will have us believe - fisting, pissing, getting pissed on, having spunk facials. Fuck, no! You gotta be kidding. I don’t that stuff with a man I’m in love with, never mind a bloody stranger...

There is a vast difference between how a person is when they are on drugs and drinking too much and they are selling themselves compared to when they’ve not touched a drop of alcohol or drugs for nearly 6 years and have changed their day to day habits. A female friend of mine is probably the most reserved woman that I know, sexually, and she was street walker for years.

You see – you can’t really know someone based on facts, can you? Time and an open mind gets you closer to experiencing the real person. And that, my friends is not rocket science.







http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

True Blue & Daddy Too.

I’ve had a glorious weekend tra la la la laa... I’m happy. OK, so Blue and I had our dispute last night which lasted all of 15 minutes -11 minutes of which were spent in silence. That’s when I wrote that minuscule post. The whole thing was silly. I was tired and I get waspish when I’m tired or hungry. Not too dissimilar to a baby, actually... Blue and I had just spent three perfect nights together and two whole days – and then I got arsy about a minor something. Blue is an analyst and because he didn’t just give me a simple answer to what I saw as a simple question – I got impatient and ratty. He is not an arguer, so after a few minutes silence we looked at each other and started chuckling. We smooched then lay on the sofa and he massaged my hands as we discussed the problem properly and sorted it out within moments.
I don’t want to bleat on about how good things are between us – oh, OK then, I will. Nah, I won’t ! You’ll want to throw up if I do! I’ll just say that things are significantly better than they ever were. The thing is, Blue has changed somehow. God only knows that I understand fully how long and difficult choosing a conscious path of change, is – but it’s true that I’m experiencing Blue differently to how things were before our breakup. Perhaps he hasn’t changed at all - perhaps I have, maybe we both have. Whatever the case, for today – and today is all we have - we’ve both changed and things are happier and happy. I don’t feel as though I am giving, giving, giving with very little back any longer. I have been getting everything back that I’ve been giving. And by that I mean emotionally.
We clearly love each other. That wasn't really the question - the issue I had before was that I felt he didn't show me how he loved me. I heard his words but that just isn't' enough. I'm not a teenager or an idiot. Boy Blue is converting the words into actions. In fact we’ve barely told each other that we love each other, of late. I've certainly not been saying it.
I'm still waiting to see how things go.

Like everyone we’re both just trying to muddle our way through our lives the best we can – and things cannot be perfect all the time or instantly. We’re doing good and I hope it continues, and if it doesn’t I’m not going to fall apart. I won’t because I won’t allow myself to. Well, I say this now – but if we were married with children and then he left me – then yeah,I’m sure I would crumble into numerous tiny pieces. But we’re nowhere near any of that stuff yet so I’m not going to concern myself with that stuff. As I said, today is all we have.

I spoke to daddy earlier who’s still hibernating from the ice and cold. My step-mama and he are both looking forward to visiting London in two weeks. I’m looking forward to it too. It's nice when we talk. We’re all very open. Our relationship is good. I don’t have to keep secrets from Pappy, thank God. There is nothing that my father doesn’t know about me, and there is nothing that he doesn’t forgive me for. So when I talk to him about Blue – both daddy and his wife do not judge or worry about his past. They accept that I am trying every day to be a better person than I was the day before and that I wouldn't be with someone who hasn't got something special. They are accepting of me and they trust my judgements. And that is a great leveller for me. At times like last night when I have a minor bicker with my boyfriend, I try to remember to breath – and think about what I have in my life (albeit on the surface it appears to be little), and I realise just how lucky I am that I am free from my shackles and that daddy loves me.
Step-ma really wants to meet Blue. She loves a nosey. Good on her! I'm sure she'll get her desire. I’ve rarely introduced boyfriends to the two of them and when I have that's when they know that plans are being made.

My father is healthy and he told me today that he is proud of me, and he’s proud of the woman I am growing into. And that is immeasurable. Despite everything they both leave the past where it belongs and by some mystical gift from God - they still manage to look to the future with hope, and no matter what – nothing can beat that.




http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Current Climate: Angry

I’m knackered. I’m in the middle of an argument with Blue and I really haven’t the energy to write this post, now. I can’t be funny, light hearted or anything other than fucking annoyed, right now. The weekend has been wonderful – until approximately 15 minutes ago. I’m currently feeling anxious and angry about how he (some times) does not give plain and direct answers to simple questions. Or maybe he does – but I am not satisfied with his response. I don’t know. I’m not thinking straight at the minute. He’s sitting right here next to me on the sofa and our last words spoken were ‘Well fuck you then’ – by both of us.
No doubt we’ll be all right shortly and tomorrow I will fill you in on what’s been happening over the weekend.
I hope you had an enjoyable weekend without any bickering.












http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Moaning Mini

Dear Cosmos – I am placing my order for you to let me know clearly what will make me happy in my life. And by that I am mean, things that I can cope with which will enable me to be comfortable with myself and not cringe when I look in the mirror.
As you know, dear Universe I am more than capable of getting myself into situations that will have you spinning on your axis and wondering WTF?

You see the thing is I know what I want in some respects – to write successful books, to align myself with a couple of worthy causes, to feel content, to be a better friend, to manage to get through January without using my damn hair straighteners which are wrecking my hair.
My problems (and there are many, my friends) come when I try to align myself with another person. Anything to do with another human being i.e. a man (within the context of a relationship) and it all becomes hazy.

All may be alright if it wasn’t that I want things in my life that involve having a partner – primarily children, marriage, unique camaraderie. Now, these things are all well and good – but because I am fickle, it seems, I seem to be having a problem achieving these goals. It’s weird, cos I am madly intense, passionate, fiery, yet very calm, soft, passive. I change like the wind and what I feel I want in one moment changes dramatically the next. It’s tres confusing at times. I don’t want to wake up one day aged 50 and wonder why I’ve spent the whole of my younger years questioning and not fulfilling.
I also don’t want to be a single parent – I was raised in a single parent family and I wish for my child ( ideally) to have two folks at home. But the idea of being attached to one person for bloody years is frightening! (You know me I’m used to doing it in twos.... bigamy alert! Oops. That’s all in the past, now) Although it can be romantic on a good day. But tell me, who in the name of God is interesting enough to be with exclusively for years and years? Is that where this ‘working at it’ comes into action? Zzzzz...

Take Blue – I’d marry him next week. I’m easy like that (stating the obvious there) but he wouldn’t marry me next week. He's too much of a realist. 'Realist' or
'spoil sport?'

"I was joking P.C Plodd. Honest."

Blue likes a little more ‘getting to know each other’ time and having this and that in place first (financially.)
Between us we do have a pot to piss in – but that pot is currently empty; of money and urine.

God, I'm a whingy cow-bag tonight.

Do you know where these thoughts have sprung from? Of course you don't know – you’re not a mind reader...

Last night Blue told me that he is doing an add-on course as part of his acting training. It is for two hours on a Sunday. He’s aware (progress) that it eats into the only full day we get with each other and so he’s reluctant to do it ( ahh, told you he's changing)
But the fact is, I'm aware that it would be good for him to do it (very grown up, me *coughs*) BUT ( and we all know the word ' But' cancels out what has preceded it) this has pissed me off, and I’m wondering if I will be able to commit to something/someone when I fear that my needs may not be met. He’s adorable and I know he doesn't want to lose me again. I know that this time and he’s really trying to make me understand that he wants me (and I do understand) but perhaps, just maybe this won’t work.
*Mystic Meg strikes again*

You see, I’m annoyed with myself for flinching as soon as I get wind of possible trouble ahead. 'Trouble' in the form of me not spending enough time with my fella... But like I said I'm no mind reader and nothing bad has happened. And it's unlikely to... the only thing that may happen will be that we don't work out a way to spend a couple of nights together a week and I continue to sulk - then we fall apart. For the gazillionth time.

Le problem, mi amigos is this:
I. Need. To.Spend. Regular. Time. With. A. Man. That. I'm.Into.

Period.

But when two people are trying to carve out their individual (creative)futures and so much bending is required to accommodate one another's obsessions around their individual desires, I question just how much I can or I’m willing to bend. I am not willing to relinquish my own desires and happiness for this. Certainly not. I’ve lived in misery for too many years to hand my regular peace of mind to another.
During the time Blue and I split up I wondered if indeed it’d be far more fun to dabble here there and wherever I want to, with no commitment. Then I wake up and admit that I’m too emotional to do that. Poop! I can’t believe I was a bloody hooker! How? I can’t do casual sex - unless it’s a hit and run. One night only – then I’m OK. But any of that texting malarky and flirting after the event and I start getting attached. It’s bollocks, it really is. I thought I was a sassy woman with enough experience to put aside minor emotional issues such as other people. I mean, in defense of my sass, I don’t get majorly ‘attached,’ just a bit, and I’m certainly not clingy. But the lucky recipient of my punani lives in my head rent-free for too long. Wouldn't life be easier if we went back to a time of chaperones and courtships that were arranged by desperate mothers who lived to see their daughters marrying 'up.' Bah-humbug.
I sound like such a sap. Look – I’ve still got it in me; the ability to do what the hell I want and " if y'all don’t like it, well.... talk to the hand, aiiight!"
*Wanders off sheepishly*

Actually I don’t have that ability, really. Not to the extent I’d like anyway.

Hmm... in fact I don't actually know what the hell I’d like. No, actually I do.
But I want it, how I want it, when I want it, and it’s always other people that throw stupid spanners in my works and tell me that it’s reckless to do things hastily and I must take time and slow down.

Why? Who says? I.DON’T.WANT.TO.MUMMY!










http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

greener grass

"It's true the grass may be greener - but it's always as hard to cut."
Alan Lane - WCS c.1996


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIBzbdo2LjU

Another Fresh Start

Blimey, what a fabulous few days full of surprises!
I went to see daddy and his wife yesterday and had New Year with them. Blue met me from the train this afternoon and I went back to his place for a late lunch and some sweet lurrrving, and now I’m back home.

I’m very pleased that I have passed the 40,000 word mark on the first word-dump of UnHooked, so that is great progress, for me! I’ve really struggled to get cracking with this second book. In fact I’ve wondered at times if I can indeed write it at all. But, currently, I’ve got some fire in my belly and while it’s smouldering, I need to tap into it and stoke it - get a flame burning.
I’m feeling a smidgen more confident with what I am trying to do with this book. I had lost focus for months, as you know. I’ve yapped on about UnHooked and done exactly zilch in recent weeks, until the other day when I worked until 5am. Night time is my best time to write. At least it was while working on Hooked – and again it seems to be this time round. Pity really, cos when I go back to work next week – working through the night will be impossible.

Anyway, my friends, Blue and I are back ON. Yeah sir ree! You heard it hear first amigos – it’s ON and I’m happy about this. He’s special. We have an intense connection which he tried to deny, due to fear and his insecurities. Poor boy couldn’t understand why I wanted to be with him when he has nothing. No money, no home of his own, no car, he’s only 18 months into his recovery – but he is hugely intelligent, charismatic, interesting, gentle, sexy, focused and his soul is one that I have known for eternity. That’s what I think anyway – sounds like bollocks? I don’t think so...
Our month apart made him realise that he wanted us to work out and that he had to at least try to let go of some of his insecurities and trust that who I say I am – I actually am. The way I behaved seemed ‘ too good to be true’ apparently. That’s quite nice to hear isn’t it?
After he trawled through my emails (without me knowing it) that was the final seal to help him understand that I am genuine. I wasn’t up to mischief. I am loyal. I am only focused on creating a career for myself and I don’t fool around or treat people like idiots just because they can’t see me during every moment of every day. I care more about Blue’s security than my privacy. Maybe that’s wrong – but what the hell... Some times, I believe, one must do whatever it takes. As long as it doesn’t directly undermine or damage ones self esteem.

So things are feeling alright in my camp. In fact better that alright. I’m pretty good – the past few days have been exciting. There is a shift in Blue which is lovely and I appreciate it – but as I’ve said before I don’t easily lose my mind over these things. Yes, I’m passionate and when I decide to give myself to someone or something I put full energy and love into it – but I’m not a mug – uh-uh... nope. And I’m always aware that despite how much love I feel – there are millions of people in this world. If things don’t work with the one I’m with – then I will meet another, at some point. Blue knows this and he also knows that I want him. Although he feels that I’ve relaxed a little. Maybe I have. I always did want to be with him – but the difference now is that he accepts that if he doesn’t give me a high priority position in his life, then he can sod off and get on with it without me.

So, my loves 2010 is here! Yippeee! I’m very excited about this year. This is the year that I’m going to work my arse off in order to make 2011 a dream of joys that I can’t quite imagine will happen to me.
We all have the gift of 12 very precious and fresh months to make the most of. Each month goes by so quickly, there is no time to waste. Each week within that month is a passing set of days with potential to plan, think, execute foundations for your goals. Every day within that week is time to build, love, give, create, enjoy and be grateful that you have another hour to become better than you were in the previous one.
I wish you all genuine happiness and at the least contentment; but contentment is happiness, right? Well, it is in my life. Peace, is happiness, for me. Peace = contentment in the land of Gee. If it is or isn’t or if I’m talking poop, it doesn’t matter. I wish you smiles – and plenty of them!

By the way: Word for January – We’ve relegated ‘Poo’ and now it’s all about ‘ Poop’ – you like?? I do too.







http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Casting my net, to see what I find.

gosh – I don’t know if I’m being a drama queeen, over sensitive or what. I feel as though I have a gagging order in place.
Well, you know about Montanta? The hottie from last week...And you probably know by now that I’ve been hanging out with Blue again and now I’m suddenly really coy... Have you heard me? 'Hanging out with Blue’ – and the rest! but I dont' want to go into 'the rest' just yet.

He wants us to get together again – and I’ve said that's what I want too – but ... Oh, I don’t know. I wasn't expecting this.

I’m even reluctant to say much because I’m not sure what Blue’s reading... (especially now he can access my emails... what else can he do??) and what Montana’s reading – even though he’s not wanting anything from me, I care about how others feel. Maybe too much. I've got nothing to hide, but I feel as though I am treading on egg shells. Why??

None of what is going on should stop me from speaking my truth, though, really, eh? But you know... I do feel somewhat stifled, right now.

The thing with Blue is: We were together - then not - then I was checking out the substitute’s bench, and now Blue and I are back on...
He’s back at college in January – let’s see how things go then.I will just see, with no expectations.
He’s eager to make things work with us, now. He knows better what I need. And he realised apprently what he’d lost... I don’t blame him. But only time will tell if he can deliver. As I said before when we were together - I don't know what else I can do to better things for us as a couple.

Anyway – it’s been a delightful few days and he’s more sincere than before. More focused on 'us'. For now...
I may not have much ( material wealth) – but I have plenty of heart and I’m trying to better myself (spiritually, emotionally) all the time, which is something that is obvious to any one meeting me. Isn’t it Montana? “Yes, it is Clare” Montana says...

Life’s swirling, deep river is casting fish to the surface ready to be caught.. 2010 is going to be my year to harvest as much as I can, (not with regards to men - nah - with regards my hopes, my ambitions) to make 2011 better than I could possibly imagine. Although, you know me - I'd like a man floating around. This could be done while with Blue, or while kissing Montana, or doing the do with someone whom I haven’t met yet.
Or, of course, god forbid – I do it all on my own. Just little old me, and nothing but America’s Top Model for company - I like it, OK! No, I love it. Good, lighthearted entertainment, I say! It’s not a crime to like this frivilous stuff, is it!? I also enjoy classic literature and black and white films, but that doesn’t mean I have to bury my nose in those constantly, does it? Indeed, it doesn’t my friends. Indeed it doesn’t.
ViVa Vida!




http://www.missygee.com


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Me, AKA Missy Gee

curiouser and curiouser...

Well, I hope y’all had s delightful Christmas! I did. Although – I am loath to say much at the moment about anything. My head is a bit mashed; not with booze and drugs. Nah. I wish.
No – I spent time with Blue which was blissful. And all was good. We hung out, smooched, cooked, watched films... But as you may already have caught on... he some how managed to get into my email account.
Now, when we were together I did tell him my password – which I subsequently changed once we’d broken up. My password was a little bit complex, so if he managed to remember the original that would have been quite a feat – but the point is – I changed it, regardless, and he still got into it. How?
OK, when he told me earlier today that he’d read my emails (very casually I might add) I laughed and felt strangely flattered because he’d been stalking me. I am vehemently loyal when I am attached and I think the more I would say this to Blue – the more he questioned it. I was Too vocal apparently. But like I've said before I like to hear words - so I presume other people do...

Let’s face it – I wanted/want to be with him and it was a great disappointment when it didn’t seem to be working out. But him hacking into my email made me think that actually he still cares. This might sound a bit pathetic I know. If I heard someone else say this – I’d think ‘ get a grip!’ Maybe I’m meant to be angry. It’s been a habit of mine throughout my life to not get angry at stuff which people may expect me to. Anyway, it’s nearing the end of the day and dear Blue has gone home and instead of feeling anger about this situation, I am totally bewildered and a little put-out.
How can this be done? I now understand why my email kept bouncing back to me the other day when I tried to message him to thank him for the Christmas card that he’d dropped off. He must have closed down his email account – aware that people can hack into it... WTF?? That would mean that he’d never communicate with people via email cos they’d have to have his email address to be able to write to him. Very odd indeed. I thought I was paranoid. It's up to him tho - I'm not getting wrapped up in questioning this or that. If this is what he wants/needs to do to gain faith in me - then so be it. I'm not bothered. Some things are beyond pride. And I can hardly bleet on about ' privacy'. But even if I wanted to - I wouldn't cos I don't give a shit about that stuff, to be honest. Here - take my phone - have a good old nosey, look through my knicker drawer and see what you can find. I don't care about this stuff. Look! Go on! If there's anything you want - let me know and I'm sure you can have it! I just don't care. I care about people I care about hearts, spirits, goodness, decency, my sanity.

*Pass you the sick bucket?? here ya go!*

Blue is not a computer whizz. This whole thing is odd. I’m now wondering what else he can tap into... There’s one good thing about this – he could see how genuine I have been in the time we were together and showing that is actually more important to me than his ability to get into my emails.
I’ve proved myself without realising to be the honest woman I said I was. My behaviour was decent in all ways and he knows it. I’ve always said that I don’t do sneaking around, plotting, scheming – even when I’m single I do very little. But there was part of Blue’s personal insecurities which made him wonder why I wanted to be with him. And clearly he must have thought that there were times that maybe I was up to mischief.
It’s fantastic to know that he knows that I have lived up to my words.
Even so, right now, this evening I am reluctant to say anything about anything... I’m tired and I feel a bit spooked by it to tell the truth. Not that he actually did it – but that he was/is able to...





http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

the latest...

So – I have gossip for ya...


1. I have seen Blue. (My ex-boy.)

2. He has been snooping through my emails. Hacked into my account.How do I know? He told me!

My Zeitgeist

Yaaay! Wishing you a Happy and Joyous season all about love... It’s always all about love, isn’t it? Feeling it and liking it, feeling it and not wanting to. Not feeling it and wanting to and if you say you’re not feeling it and liking that – then you’re not honest. I hope your hopes are many for the coming year!

I’m thinking BIG. Visualise – get it! I totally believe in that. If you focus and work towards a goal – it will actually happen. But first, obviously – you must have a clear vision. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoMhU91MdzQ I’m excited about having time off work. I’m gonna get my flat in order – write 10,000 words of UnHooked (she says) and generally lounge around, hang out with friends and hopefully have sex with numerous partners. (heheee... not likely. But never say never. I'm far from closed minded.

Oh, and of course I will sleep a fair amount.
I am part cat.
Part human.
Part woman.
Part child.
And when I’m tired, I get waspish. No matter who you are and what you’re doing – it ain’t right. Arrrgh! Poor me! Poor me! Pour me a drink ! “ Self-pity is one of the biggest causes of relapse in a recovering addict” Bill Wilson.I love sleeping. I sleep a lot and the night before last I didn’t get much. Nope, ‘cos I was getting... well, you know - boned.

This left me feeling like a whingeing cow-bag yesterday. But after some quality snooze last night – I’m back to my fighting weight. Bigger, better, lighter (my period’s stopped. No really, really it has. Montana – if you read this – listen up, Mr! I am officially ready ... honestly. Maybe I was a smidgen too eager to do the do with you, so I thought it had finished when maybe it hadn’t quite.) *coughs*
I’m feeling fantastic today! Totally different from how I was yesterday and I’m ready to take life by the balls...
Sing: 'She’s like the wind' : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gbz-Lau5tcWell, my dad did used to call me a butterfly when I was little... changeable little mite that I was. And still am.

So, mon amores, wherever you’re travelling today, whatever you’re doing and with whomever you’re doing it with – be well. Keep safe, enjoy and ROCK IT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

And finally – for you, Senior Montana http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQ27AM3RTv8

i love your smile!

I'm feeling excited! im about to go out... with a boy. first time since Blue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGXxcSdsXJ4

We all need Hope.

Believe it or not I'm not depressed, quite the opposite! But you may think that the link below is a sad song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8us3432lh4M

I just want to share it with you. Please listen to it, if you have an opportunity.
I actually find this track uplifting; the reason being, when I used to be into this band I was in my late teens, into heroin and I remember laying in a bath, lonely, lonely, so lonely, silently crying.

The reason I find it uplifting is because I know, By God's Grace, I will never go back to that place I was in, then. If I did - I don't think for a moment that I would survive it. I have nowhere else to go, emotionally. And I'm sure my chances would be burned out.


Portishead, Roads.

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong
* * *
How can it feel, this wrong
This moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Ohh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say

How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong

Sod's Law.

I hope you’ve had a less peculiar day than I have. I booked today off work so I could got to Yorkshire, and this is what happened:
First, I over slept. I finally got onto the train to take me into central London, and 15 minutes into the journey I realised that I didn’t have some tablets that I needed. I got off the train and turned back home to get them.
I eventually got to the mainline station to get the train north, and there was huge delays. Hoards of people and lots of cancellations. I waited for over an hour until my train was also canceled. I went back onto the underground to head home, and got a train going in the opposite direction. Fuck. I got off after 3 stops, realising that I was going in the wrong direction and got onto the right line and went back from where I’d come.
I then had to change. I got on the final train home and sat, and waited and sat, and sat some more... Then, an announcement : ‘We are held here, delayed for approximately 20 minutes because we are waiting for a driver’.

Terrific!

I finally got home, knackered and discovered that I have come on my period. Bloody hell !
I got into bed for an afternoon snooze, then got up and put the hob on to heat some wax. I went back into the sitting room to mind my own business. Next thing I could smell burning. I scurried back into the kitchen, and it was obvious that I’d left a plastic container of soup on the now, hot, ring... Of course it was burning and the kitchen was filled with smoke.

I give up for today.
I’m trying not to move now. I’m gonna stay put, on the sofa and try not to get into any more trouble.






http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Lacking sponteniety? Or fear of the past...

I’m back home and I had a good night. It was fun. Everyone from work was there. I was placed on a table with the football agent who I’ve told you is one of the partners at my work place. It’s a bit of a joke around the office that I am single and that I kinda want to meet someone. The agent is now trying to set me up with one of the footballers he represents. That really wasn’t on my mind. One of the artsy, booksy people whose accounts my other bosses look after is really what I’d like to meet. Of course, since I’m not looking for a relationship ( She says. No, I’m not. Really) I guess a randy footballer with the stamina of an Ox would do for one night of fun. But what would we talk about ? Ahh, yes, we probably wouldn’t. Don't I mind that? I do mind, really, yes.

I’m going north again tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to it! It’s so nice to get out of London at times. I miss the European weekend breaks that Sexless used to take me on. Those times were so glamourous, he had the money and imagination to be able to make it such - but sexless, as his name suggests. Oh well... Things change, we’re still close, but we’ll never go away for another holiday together. It’s a pity in some senses, but so what, eh? The main thing is that we still care immensely for each other. Sexless has just gone to Miami for a couple of weeks, lucky so-and-so. I asked him ( tongue in cheek) if I could go with him. He laughed and said:‘ Noooo, baby! You can’t! ’spoken like a big girl. He’s lovely, he is.

So, something’s gotta give over here - and next time unlike my time with Blue, it won’t be me, me, me,me... I’ve really got to get some action. I’m feeling physically stagnant. Dunno if my current excessive hornyness is due to my being due on, or if it’s just that I haven’t had sex for a few weeks. Grrr! What to do... What to do..? There is one person who I suppose I could ride – but I don’t actually know him. I’d like to see what he has to offer – but he keeps suggesting that we meet up, and it’s really late by the time we’ve both finished work. I’d feel weird meeting someone, when I know we’ve both got sex on our minds, late at night. It’s too close to my past. Well, that's the reason I’m sticking to... that, or maybe I lack spontaneity with these things these days. I don’t know, I don’t know...
I lived so spontaneously in the past that I like to be more controlled with my actions, today.
Do you think I live too much in my past? Am I too scared to let go of it totally, and put it to one side, do you think? How much of your past influences you? Or does it depend on how traumatic your past experiences were? I mean, without your past who would you be? You see, I just have no idea who I’d be...

Maybe that’s what I’m scared of finding out...







http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Riding a Wave.

Well, everything seems to be in order over here. I’ve tidied my flat. Kind of. You know I really dislike housey chores. I’ve got the washing machine on, and I have a steak under the grill... I’d better watch that...

Hooked is with the publishers with very little if anything for me to do on it, right now. So what’s left? That’s it – sex. I want some. And I want some now, and I’m not going to get any tonight,or tomorrow,more than likely, apart from with myself, and definitely not over the weekend – I’m going north. Pah! What a joke.
Once upon a time I had sex practically daily – nah, not when I had a boyfriend – no, when I was a hooker. And now? Nada. You know, I’ve kinda done this to myself. I decided a while back, no more sex buddies for me – and now I want a piece, it ain’t so easy. I’m gonna make it happen tho. I will. I don’t need to go out and get drunk to have some random sex. Nope. Those days are long gone. I love the feeling of ‘choosing’ who I bang, with no regrets. Bygone days ( when I had sex for free) I’d wake up in the morning not knowing where the hell I was, and often, with whom, and I’d be regretting my antics.

So – over the last 2 weeks a number of things have changed in my life. It’s odd. They appear to be small things but they’re quite significant.
First, Blue and I split up. Next, there have been some surprising changes to my book, ( get me – ‘my’ book!) and I’m happy with them. Next came a new book cover. So, now there will be two as far as I understand. The second book jacket is very different to the one that you’ve seen. Variety is good, no!? Then, my Facebook page got deleted by Big Brother, Facebook, so I’ve had to start again, there... Finally something else may be happening with regards the book, which I can’t say yet. ( Listen to me! Classified information alert! It’s funny). No one has verified what I believe to be happening – so I’m keeping zipped.

When a few changes occur at the same time in my life – I see this as a period of development. At a time like this many, many things are possible. I believe life moves in waves; sometimes choppy, sometimes still, sometimes the ocean forms into a beautiful swollen, sumptuous wave. And despite being in awe of its power, it is not frightening. While on top of this fertile wave, I feel my connection to the planet, I feel the richness of life and possibility. It's there. Take it. It’s yours.




http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

la, la, la, la, la....

OK, after tonight I am going to get me some fun.
I am. I need it. I want it. I deserve it. I’ve been working hard recently and after the final push tonight – I will be done. My precious book will be (for my part, from what i understand) finnished. Well the writing and reading section. Then the marketing will beign shortly I’ve been told.
I will soon be able to unwind, before thinking about the second book. Unwind? Me? That’s a pretty new concept...

It’d be so lovely to have someone to snuggle with, this evening and to tell me what a clever girl I am while stroking my hair and my...
I’ve changed my tune from the past days, when I made the statement about if Brad Pitt offered himself up to me in little more than a towel and a smile, I’d tell him to put some clothes on and not be so bloody silly.

The devil’s in me, it seems. I’m full of friskiness. I’m feeling raunchy and up for a bit of skin on skin tet a tet.






http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Who's gonna be a bad girl, then? I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vi76bxT7K6U

A whinge a day...

I’m sitting at home after spending time with L today.
I’ve just eaten an apple that has made me feel a bit sickly. Apples and bananas always do this to me.
As well as feeling sick, i'm feeling sorry for myself. My period is due and my boobs are sore and swollen. Oh well... at least I seem to be getting them regularly now.
I should be grateful for that I think I’m tired – I slept really badly last night. It was getting light by the time I finally settled to sleep. Rubbish. Oh and Christmas ? I think I’ll be home alone during the day. A friend will pop over in the evening... Daddy’s going to my uncles apparently, but no one mentioned me tagging along – and our relationship is not one where I can invite myself. Not surprisingly they haven’t asked me what I’m doing.
God, I’m having a real whinge today, eh? I like to have a bit of a moan sometimes, don’t you? Not too much – it’s just a bit of a comfort thing, ya know.

Talking of comfort – it’s been a while since I had any nookie... I want some very soon. I’m getting itchy feet. I need some physical. Speaking to L. today was lovely. She’s always got gossip and antics to tell me about. I don’t live like a nun myself, but L. is actively ‘dating’ as she puts it and I reckon I’ll live vicariously through her for a while.
Why is that? Look, even if Brad Pitt came knocking on my door, now, I wouldn’t get involved. It’s the last thing that I want. But I said I want to get banged? Yep – but when that happens I will ensure that it is not in a situation that could turn onto something. That will be very, very clear to the recipient of my pum-pum.

Oh, and by the way: A final whinge. I am utterly narked at my facebook page getting deleted. It's a real ball ache! And right now I just don't have the energy to find some of the friends that I lost... grrr!





http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Woman Power.

I’ve been reading Hooked. This is the final read-through before I approve it, then it goes to the printers. The publishers want it back by mid week, with any final corrections or minor changes I may want.
It’s amazing to see my rights as the author and all the copy write blurb and ISBN number and the fact that there will be a copy held in The British Library, in the front of it. WoW!
I love the book. It’s good ... brace yourselves!

So, Fucking Facebook deleted my last page, eh? 2800 pals down the drain. I know why - Mr S. complained about the post: Naughty Weekend that I posted in my Notes on Facebook. I could sulk but I won’t. Fair play to him. I understand his point and I was sailing close to the wind.
I tell you – i feel as though since the break up with Blue a valve has been turned down in me. I have gained a better perspective on what is important in my life. And what’s important ? Me. And what I want, and I want to be a successful writer. I will be. That’s what I’m going for...Despite my gramma being pretty appaling!

At some point I hope I will be able to give myself to someone in a relationship again – but I can assure you that I will not put up with anything other than everything I deserve. My brief time with Blue really gave me a wake-up call. It really did. I do too much to try and please him. I give too much. I hope the experience has not jaded me into mis-trusting my behaviour in a potential future relationship. I won’t let it. I wouldn’t allow a 4 month fling to influence me like that. I like how I can be with a man I’m involved with - I don’t want to become hard, I’m not hard by nature, but I do need to think about myself more. I currently have walls in place to protect myself from anything other than myself. But as I said, i don't want to get cynical. I can certainly be tough, but that is something I tend to exhibit in only one of two situations: self-preservation or fury, neither of which I am currently feeling .
I’m not going to accept anything than, ‘It all’. I can get that, that's not arrogance, that's knowing my worth. I’ve never doubted it, but I have allowed myself into relationships with people whom, actually don't have it all. In fact, some of my past men haven’t had anything. Why has that been acceptable to me? Crazy. I’m not going to mother or ‘rescue’ another boyfriend, ever again. I will run to the hills, if they are either in recovery or if they don't have a decent job, a place of their own, and tons of love and a desire to share who they are with me.

I am going to aim high, actually. I have written an excellent book, I am going to finish the first word-dump of the second book before the end of January. I have a lot going for me. I am very sweet and apparently I’m ’too modest’ according to the Photographer whom I have fallen out with yesterday. That definitely guarantees that we won't have sex, again. It's been moths, anyway, if you remember what i said in my last post...
I will think about my levels of modesty. Maybe he's onto something. Who knows? He was implying that I lack self confidence and saying it in an exasperated manner. Maybe I do, in a way – but I also don’t blab constantly about how good I am and how good looking I am – as he tries to, incognito. I know someone else who does this – and they haven’t got anything to boast about.
Don’t hype yourself until you’ve proved yourself, I say... Talk is cheap. I don’t care how well the Photographer is doing - he could do to practice a bit more humility instead of the fake modesty he tries to convey.

You must think that I seem to be falling out with a few people recently – not really – to be honest apart from my girl friends, I don’t care. I’m just not taking any male prisoners. I practiced this last night when someone text me... I was really polite, but direct – and I said I will either be normal and a friend, but I won’t play cat & mouse, if he wants me to chase him for something. Fuck it. He wrote back a really respectful message back. Just treat me normally whoever you are. I’m gonna treat you normally. I’m not gonna flirt with you or sleep with you, so stop trying to sleep with me.

I have promised myself that I am going to try and speak my truth as much as I can. I people-please too much. It’s time that stopped. I’m a grown woman, I need to give myself kindness, in the same way I give it to other people.
I hope this all doesn’t sound angry. I’m not. I haven’t been aware of being calmer for a long, long time. I think it is the freedom of having my life pretty much in order, and that I have no responsibilities except to take care of myself and to check on my father. I am heading ion the right direction to fulfill what I dream for myself. Men, relationships, can get to hell, for now. I’m not ready. I never was. Altho it’s only through the mistakes that I’ve made that I’ve learned this. So to Blue, I thank you for making me realise where I go wrong.








http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Ups & Downs, but mainly Ups.

Oh, balls!
My Facebook page has been deleted. No reasonable explanation except that I am an ex-cocaine-fiend-ho. Well, nada I can do about the past, is there.......

Please re-add me to my new account. I'm still under the name Missy Gee and you should recognise the boobs in the profile photo, even though there's little else there, right now.

Boohooohoooo!!!

So, in keeping with my recent seemingly care-free mood - I accepted immediately that there is bugger all I can do about it. It's annoying, but it's alright.
All 2800-odd buddies I had have now dwindle to 11... But that's better than none.
I have faith that it will grown again soon enough so I'm not gonna worry about it.

Well, what day.........

I cried at work. Well, it was within work hours but outside of the office.
I received a copy of Hooked. The final, final draft. The proof read.I need to read and check that everything is hunky dory before I accept and then I guess it goes to be type set.
How blinkin' EXCITING!!

I am incredibly proud, to be truthful. I did it. I did it. If I was a singer it's the equivalent of getting a record deal with, say EMI or something. Thsi si a dream that seems to be coming true.

It's a momentous feet for me, and I wanted to share a cuddle and to embrace my elation and humility with someone I care about.
I thought of Blue. I wish he'd been there, but he wasn't. He never was, even when he told me that he was.
So, I called my father. Daddy used to be the last person to hear about anything involving my life - today he was the first.

He's proud too.

I have begun reading Hooked - and as I've said before, it's good. I'm very pleased.
You will enjoy it.

As you may have guessed I decided against going north this weekend... I want to read the book, continue clearing out my flat and just potter...

Everything is good in Gee camp. So, if Facebook want to try and deflate my high - then they can P-off! It ain't happening...





http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Being Kind.

'Pick up a bee from kindness and learn the limitations of kindness.'

Sufi.

What Happens When One Door Closes...? that's right.

Well, well, well... how things work is amazing. I’ve broken up with Blue and suddenly I am re-connecting with people that I haven’t heard from for ages. I met a friend at lunch time who I used to work with before. He’s so wise and loving. I’m not talking ‘trying it on with me loving’ I’m talking, compassionate and understanding. He’s intuitive and I appreciate his wisdom. It was lovely having lunch bought for me, instead of me paying. I’d almost forgotten what that feels like.
Gee is back!

I’m kidding. Sort of.

Today, I’ve mended another bridge that I had upturned with that Photographer guy I told you about ages ago. Remember him? I thought you wouldn’t! So many men, so little time, eh..!? He’s an ex-model who went out with that famous American singer. My ex-sex buddy. I’ve known him years and whenever we were both single, we’d do the do.
I decided a while back after Dee and I broke up that I wasn’t going to indulge in those kind of things any longer. I just don’t want it in my life. In or out, I say – OK, maybe a one night thing at some point. But only for one night, but hassle? Nah. It’s Not for me. I want a simple life.

Anyway, Mr Photographer has been pissed with me over the last few months (quite a few months!)because I had offered no explanation about why I had stood him up and not answered my phone to him. This is even before I met Blue. And when I was with Blue it wouldn’t have been appropriate to have contact with the Photographer. Not cos Blue asked me not to, he didn't, I’m just like that. Over the top, some might say.
I know I must sound really lame at relationships. Not just romantic relationships, it seems, but friendships too.
Hmmm... I’m trying to change this now.

Anyway, earlier today while I was at work I tried talking to the Photographer on the phone, and I tried explaining that I was no longer gonna be a sex-friend to anyone; but we both had too much to say – so we met for coffee after I’d left the office.
He lectured me about the fact that I keep acting ‘peculiarly considering that I am meant to be a friend.’ Well, to me, a fuck buddy may be a friend – but it’s just not the same as platonic friendship, is it? The same rules don’t apply. Or at least I felt I didn't owe him explanations. God, I’m not good with dealing with men and sex. It all gets quite confusing sometimes.
After a while, (in a fuck buddy situation) one or the other often tends to either want more, or their self image comes into question because the other person is not chasing them, and wanting more. It’s a bloody mine field.

Anyway, he finished talking, then I lectured him, we disagreed, then we agreed on a conclusion. We are re-starting our friendship, totally minus sex.
He is fucking hot, this guy, he’s stunning, with the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. Call me shallow, it's OK... But now, I've mentioned the dick you remember him, right?? But definitely, for us, friendship is the way forward. The sex thing has gone on/off/on/off for too many years to bother continuing it when that’s not what I want any more. I’ve had my piece of his pie.
I know that this guy and I will be able to hang out together with little or no issues. Why? Well, although he has a strong, muscular body and he’s 6/3’ – I’ve never massively fancied him. He has a beautiful face which I once described as 'perfect', but the thing is, he didn’t draw me to him like Blue used to.
Another reason we are likely to be able to make a smooth transition into a platonic relationship? He is strong willed and he will ‘prove’ to me that he never wanted me ‘just for sex’ as I stupidly tried to imply earlier. I only said this because I felt trapped during our chat. Our arrangement suited us both but I want it to change now.

I like him a lot. He's a really nice guy to be around. He’s driven, he’s cool, he’s getting successful and he’s clever. I like that. I don't know too much about the rest of him, cos we've never talked too indepth, even after knowing each other for so long. At least from the view point that we’re both focused on world domination – a genuine friendship can grow. He's creative and I try to be - so let's see if I can behave normally. He's worth having a friendship with.

... especially just before I was leaving one of his friends came to meet him. There's only one word to describe the friend: FIT!
But you won’t believe what he does... He’s a bloody actor! Just like Blue. But unlike Blue, this guy's on TV etc.

I’m staying clear. For now.





http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Gagging For It.

I love skipping. Skipping across roads, along pavements just here and there.Not all the time, obviously. That’d be silly. I’m not saying whenever I do this that I go into a full-blown skip as though I have a rope with me – I simply mean a quick 1,2,3 ... you know.

I’ve just got home to my ‘cosy little existence’ as Blue used to call it, after meeting a woman about a cat. Now, I’m being silly...
I just met a woman who is an editor. She’s quite something. I greatly respect her and really appreciate her eccentricity. We chatted a lot during the couple of hours that we were together. I love talking to older women. They make me feel warm; the motherly figure that I’ve never had.

I’m loving my little flat right now. I’m slowly going through a huge clear out of my stuff. You know, paper, clothes, clutter, things that haven’t been used for yonks.
Before I came home I went into Boots and spent nearly 60 quid on stuff which I will probably end up throwing out during my next clear out. I could easily spent a grand in Boots given half a chance. I love that place. Not that I will have the opportunity any time soon. If ever. I’ve bought some things which are going to beautify me to perfection. I’ve been feeling confident and sexy the past days. Loving the simplicity of my life.
I miss Blue; I miss the fantasy – but he popped my bubble and has opened my eyes to how I am with men. Nothing bad - I just learned a few things. How Blue was during our liaison is his concern. Not mine, so I won't mention that.

I’m thinking of going up north again this weekend; and I’ve decided by the following week I reckon I will be ready to source a bit of ‘how’s yer father’... Just something casual; absolutely no commitment.
If I can handle that or not is yet to be seen...




http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Today is Everything.

Look to this day,for it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities and realities of your existence the bliss of growth, the glory of action, the splendor of beauty.
For yesterday is but a dream. And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day,such is the salutation of the dawn.

The Sufi

Everybody loves Sunshine.

if you're not feeling this - then I don't know what's ever gonna touch you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQtmkoakjOc

I Adore This!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, THIS!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOl9AC1XnVE

Seeing Blue.

I’m sitting on the sofa and I can hear my i-pod which is in my bag about 3 meters away! That’s not good, is it? I do have it pretty loud when I listen to it, but I didn't realise that it’s that loud! Yikes.

So, I was on the train heading home today and this guy was really looking at me. But let’s face it I must have been ‘really looking’ at him for me to know that he was
‘really looking’ at me, eh?
For some reason, I started thinking ‘I wonder if he reads this blog or he’s on the Facebook page?’ Ego Alert! That’s not like me. Forgive me please.
I’ve never thought that about anyone before today... But then, for a split second I wondered if I had ever had sex with him for money, many years ago and he recognised me? And then I woke up.
I don’t even look the same! I wasn’t traveling on the same line as I used to – plus I was sober and not sniffing and rubbing my nose like a maniac.

Anyway, I got my belt back.
Blue dropped it into work yesterday. The receptionist down stairs had gone early, it seemed, so Blue text me to see what I wanted him to do with the belt.
‘Bring it upstairs please’ I text back. He did. There he was, the guy that less than two weeks ago I’d have walked over hot coals for, until I admitted to myself that he wouldn’t have done the same for me, handing me my tan leather belt.

“Your hair looks nice” He said.

“Thanks”

“So, how’ve you been?”

“Well, I’m feeling a bit funny since you’re right here, now. But honestly? I’ve been feeling good. I’ve been well. I’m alright... “ He said nothing.

“ I didn’t realise just how stressed I was during the time that were together.” I continued. “The last week has shown me that. So I’m alright with everything at it is. I’m really fine” I nodded.
He looked at me, briefly, then said :

“ I’m going” He didn’t sound moody at all.

“Have a nice Christmas” I called after him.

“You too” he answered.

And that was that.





http://www.missygee.com


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

"It's Not You it's Me"

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

*Bet you're grinning already, aren't you? That'Oh dear, here we go kinda smirk...*What’s wrong with using this phrase? I don't get it. Why do people talk scornfully about this sentence, raise their lips to a wry smile and shake their head as if to say: 'Ahh, so she hit you with that one, did she?"

"It's not me it's you," makes complete sense, to me. Am I missing something, here?

Surely if you are in a relationship, and the other person chooses not to be with you any longer, for whatever reason – that choice is about them, so they would be perfectly in their right to say 'Look, this is about me, it's not you.'
And likewise, if you do the kicking top the curb - It's your choice so, it is about yourself and not them.

What with the big cynicism about people using this phrase?

If you're doing the dumping, you've made the decision, so surely, it is about me (as the dumper) and not you (as the dumped.)

If I dump someone does the real reason matter? I mean, if you get dumped - do you really, really want to know the exact reason why? It's rarely so simple that balck & white explanations can be given unless your partner stopped fancying you. And then, would you really want to know that?

No, I didn't think so...

OK, so let's say I dump someone cos I've noticed he has a habit of constantly picking his bum and sniffing it. Am I supposed to say this to you? I never would. I'm far more graciousthan to embarass someone like that.
For me, if my decision is made, and the thing is over, then surely that is about me – and not you.

Why would I say to the fictious (no really, he is, ficticious!) offender as mentioned above: ‘Look mate, the real problem why I'm ending this is that you keeping picking at your bottom and not content with just that - you keep smelling it and, you may be surprised to hear that, that’s put me off you’.

Why would I do that to someone?
The said chap clearly enjoys the aroma of his picked bum, that’s why he does it, and that's not my business, is it.

Some might say: 'Well by telling him it gives him a chance to change.' I wouldn’t even want to be with someone who would have to promise me that he wouldn’t perpetually do something that upsets me. I’d hate to be with a guy who promises me that he’d change. I'd never even suggest it. Sod that.

My style? I watch and listen to how people are in their relaxed and natural state... That way, you learn everything you need to know about them.

So, I ask you my friends - what is wrong with ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ eh??
It’s always the decison makers problem/issues, whatever, surely? This makes sense, does it not?
Even if someone cheats on you - It's still you making the decison that you won't tolerate it, and the cheater should get a one way ticket to hell and not look up on his way down. So on ending it - yeah, you could scream - 'We're done cos you cheated on me, you effing *bleeep* low down *bleeeep* effing *bleeep*' But why bother? Conserve your energy and just tell him:

'I just cannot and will not accept your behaviour for another minute longer.'

"I'm sorry, sorry baby, Please"

'It's not you, it's me.'

This might baffle him. But to me, this is logic, right?






http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Pet Hates.

Ok – gonna tell you some pet hates that occurred on my way into work today.

People speaking on hands-free sets, hands-free mobiles, whatever the terminology is. WTF? Just hold the fucking phone in your hand, why don’t ya? You have at least one spare hand. Are you too important or too lazy? But you don’t mind looking a tit walking down the street, appearing to be talking to yourself.

People saying their surnames, slowwllly as though it’s really, really, important and that I should be honoured that I am talking to them. Get a life. I’m not impressed that you have a surname. Most people do.

Men who think they’re really cool. Women that think they are, I can tolerate. I find it almost endearing. Men? They get on my fucking nerves. You know the type; they try to hold you hostage with excess amounts of eye contact ,they’re overly chatty, and they grin at you constantly, believing that that they’re being charm personified– when actually, they’re just creepy and highly irritating.

People that speak really fast. Slow the hell down. What’s wrong with you? This tends to be privately educated people or Catherine Tate’s ‘ face bovvered’ types. I know it’s a huge generalisation – but there we are...

People eating while talking on the phone. I know you think it sounds informal and somehow ‘cool’ – I used to think that too when I was at junior school. Now, please swallow your food before you pick up the blower. It’ll only hold you up by a few seconds. You might be busy – but I don’t suppose even Barack Obama takes calls with his mouth full..

People eating loudly. I have a real problem with this. Chomping and making a big deal out of doing something that we all do, every god dam day really winds me up. Pipe down. There is no need or reason for this. Why? Why? Why torture the innocent people that you’re with, with this incessant noise? It’s just not fair...

And something that made me grin my head off was, ‘Hug a ginger day’. Please. It’s not the ‘ginger’ aspect to this that is funny, it’s the concept of such prejudicial segregation being so wrong, yet laughing, while looking over ones shoulder to make sure no one catches you.

Back later...





http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

B.L.I.S.S

I’m alone, I’ve just been in the bath, straightened my hair, eaten a small salad with grated carrot and beetroot, just painted my nails and I’m drinking Cammomile tea. While I’m writing this I’m smoking a Camel Light and The History channel is on the TV.
B.L.I.S.S.

I have been more relaxed over the past week than I have been for ages. My ‘down’ period two weeks ago was probably not so much about depression creeping back, but stress due to circumstances beyond my control. (I sound like John Malkovich in the film Dangerous Liaisons ‘It’s beyond my control.’ He’s so sinisterlerly sexy, don’t ya think??)
Anyway, I really want to nurchure this peace and these feelings of contentment. I realised today that since I moved into this flat – (which if you remember is the first time ever that I have not been relient on someone supplimenting my rent or helping with bills etc.) I haven’t had a time of embracing and wallowing in my new found independence, alone. It is such a huge deal for me that I’ve finally become independent, and it’s a pity that my personal achievement, initially, was clouded by me allowing myself to be involved with something which actually distracted me from revelling in my own glory. I was too stressed, but wouldn't admit it.

So what, I hear you scream? So what? I didn’t find the solution to world poverty – I just started paying all my own rent andbills. Yeah, but for me, it’s something I’m proud of. I’ve lived dependently for so many years in one way or another that it’s amazing that I even had the guts to do something which was outside of my comfort zone.
Now, it’s time for me to do what I want to do, just for me, and to continue finding enjoyment from small things.







http://www.missygee.com


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Attitudes, Men & Friends.

OK, yesterday I emailed Blue this:
“Hi – I’ll keep this brief. Hope you’re well. I know you’ve been busy, but I’d like my belt back. I know it’s only a belt but it means something to me. I don't want to open up dialogue, here I’d just like you to drop the belt to the receptionist at work next week. He leaves at 4pm, so please drop it off before that. Thanks.“

He replied: “Hey – Hope you’re well too! As I said – Of course! I’ll drop the belt on Monday. It’s the end of term tomorrow, so time and sanity will be restored for me to be able to do that. x”

He has a belt of mine, incase you hadn't guessed. I’m not remotely petty about such things usually – but that belt is something that I’ve managed to hold on to through many situations and many years and I’d like it back. I know he likes it, but I reckon I did enough for Blue when we were together, without him keeping a belt that I like. I hope I didn’t sound angry in the email?

Later, yesterday, the guy – you know THE guy from the other day (i wrote a post about it - then took it down) called my work to speak to his friend. Yeah, right. Just call your mate’s fucking mobile why don’t ya!? Funny. I was cool. In fact, I felt nothing. I feel nothing now. During the brief call The ‘rock star’ asked after my health as I did his, and that was pretty much it.
His friend (my colleague) had gone abroad that very day. Odd, since they're meant to be so bloody close, that he didn’t know.

Not sure what’s going on with me at the moment as far as my feelings go. I’m not feeling much about much. Well, not much to do with romance. I’m feeling good and very clear headed about what i want for myself. I’ve been painting my bathroom and clearing out some clothes. My life is feeling much lighter for me right now . I feel in control, and I’m trying to make my environment clutter-free too.

Anyway, so, today I met with the second friend who is trying to dump me. Yep – you just know about one. How can all this happen in the same week? I should be ashamed to admit this – but there are currently 3 friends who are totally hacked off with my inability to stick to plans. It’s really not good or funny. How I’ve coped with these accusations from my girls, and their disgruntlement is anyone’s guess. I don't feel inundated by it. I’m just dealing with one thing, then the next, then the next and it’s all alright. I didn't realise how draining having Blue around was. I've freed up so much brain space now I'm single.

I’ve decided that my constant self-imposed isolation is a mental problem...

It’s a bit odd, don’t ya think? I’m way too comfortable in my own company - unless that is there's a man in my life then I spend too much time with them, thinking about them, trying to make them happy. I've learned this shit from being small. I was so desperate to ensure that my dad wouldn't leave me as my mum had.
It's so fucking rubbish, I know.

Ok, the first friend – who I wrote about last week – I’m meeting her on Tuesday to make up. I’m happy with that. We’ve exchanged emails over the past days so I hope that when we meet it’ll be easier to communicate what has been happening...
Friend two – is K, whom I met today. I let her down when she broke up with her boyfriend when I was meant to go to her house for dinner and It’s been many times that I’ve said I’d go round, or meet her for coffee and I’ve canceled at the last minute. Not good, not good. What the hell is wrong with me?

So I said there are three friends who are fed up of my lame-ass. I told you that I met Kay on Wednesday? It was lovely. So after wednesday we arranged to go out last night and guess what? I canceled. She is angry and upset with me, but mainly angry. I find it hard to deal with conversations if someone is upset with me and She’s really fucked off.
The embarrassing thing is that when we met on Wednesday I’d been bleating on about changing my unreliability. And what do I do? Fucking cancel our very next date. Shit.

All this baloney is the complete opposite to how I am with boyfriends. I’m so over- dedicated and will do anything to make the guy I’m with, happy. It’s. absolutely. fucking . nuts.
Even when my adoration is reciprocated. It’s still crazy for me to be like that. I’ve been cherished in most of my relationships – and still, I cast everything else aside for the guy. It’s just not good. These men come first in just about every respect.
What the fuck? Don't my friends matter? Don’t I matter?

I’ve got two books that I was given in rehab. I’ve never read them: “Women who Love Too Much” and “Do I have to give Myself up to be Loved by You?”
I think it’s time for me to read them.

Thou shalt not Write another Word ! (not yet)

OK – I’ve done the things I have needed to do over the past few days. Stuff like editing and emailing certain very important people dharlings, epic emails about more editing and what I hope to achieve because of my book.
Now, I’m sitting at work, and I suppose I should be working. Instead, I’m crapping myself at the prospect of my next couple of evenings being filled with writing UnHooked. Arrrgggh!! The thought just turns my stomach. I will need to draw up a list of procrastination techniques so I can avoid writing a single word. I don't know how long my fear of writing more on UnHooked will go on for... hmmm... Should I be worried? Anyway, i do have some reassuring avoidance bits 'n' pieces that I could participate in, to relinquish at least some of the guilt.


A few stalling tactics, A la Gee:

1. Whipping myself into a maniacal frenzy and convincing myself that ‘I cannot do it!’ then stropping around with a frown on my chops.
2. Smoking. Can’t keep popping outside for a ciggie tho, when I’m at work.
3. Facebook and other useless Internet exploits. Faffing around, kinda staring and reading, not sure what and generally killing time. And lots of it.
4. Persuading myself that i am doing ‘research’ when I’m checking out random websites for no outwardly obvious reason.

Must go ........... am meeting Kay for coffee and a quickie.
Cofffffeeeeeeeeeee!







http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1