I left my vibrator in the hotel room : (final part of fridays sexcapade)

Ok, so the climax to my weekend sex saga... so, we've established that the guy is gorgeous and we had a really sexy time together. Oh, and did i mention that's he's really FIT? yes, i thought I had.

So.... the next morning we woke in the hotel and it was all easy and comfortable between us. No awkwardness, well, certainly not on my part and i didn't notice it on his either. We had a bit more rump- pumpy, in the early hours, and then watched a bit of TV before I got up to go in the shower.

All was good, all was going as planned. He went in the shower and afterwards we left to go down the road to a cafe for breakfast. A yummy cooked breakfast - yep, I had no complaints. We kissed goodbye and he went to get the train and I headed home.

How was I feeling? a mixture of things - quite a mixture... The realisation that it was what it was and nothing of greater substance made me acknowledge that it's not what I want. I am a woman of substance. I'm rarely shallow. Not when it comes to matters involving other people in such an intimate manner. I talk a good talk as far as this stuff goes - but honestly? I'm too sensitive to indulge in a lovely time - then just forget it.
This liaison certainly had its place and I wish I could be as frivolous more frequently, but I can't. It's just not me. I mean, don't get me wrong I probably could be blase with someone where the sex was substandard - but honestly? I cant be bothered with participating in sub-standard.I have done, of course, and when I have i don't get emotionally involved.


However, my friends I'm trapped in a situation where if the sex is good, basically if I fancy the guy and he's nice person too then I want more than just 'casual'. My mind wonders onto imaginings which are silly and pointless under circumstances which from the beginning have been catergorised under the banner of 'just sex.' Besides, as i said, we're totally different people. i would definitely suspect that all his friends are male - and that's always the sign of a player if ever there is one.

I don't do 'just sex'. I give a piece of myself in situations. However little that may be, it's still a piece. And you know if someone too gives of themselves... you can feel it. If they are interested in you, they want to know you, want to understand you. If they are engaged in you - you know it. This guy is not. Certainly not with me - and for sure, you can't kid a kidder. I've been round the block. I know when someone is interested in me as a person and I also know if they are pretending to be cos its polite.

So, all in all - it was a delicious thoroughly orgasmic experience, and that's that.

I got home to my little flat, and was looking forward to getting into my own bed for a good quality snooze. I'd had a good night and had become a little more aware of who i am and what I want (for today) and that gave me some peace. Before getting into bed I decided to empty out the bag I'd taken with me the night before. And that is when I'd discovered that disaster had struck... I said out loud ' oh, no, no, no'...as I frantically tipped out the content onto the wood flooring. I had one thing on my mind: WHERE. THE. FUCK. WAS. THE.. VIBRATOR. THE. I'D. TAKEN. WITH. ME??
You guessed right. I'd only let it in the hotel room.

Had this been a movie - cracking thunder would have exploded above me.

I cupped my hands across my face and then burst out laughing. I couldn't believe it. I just could.not.believe.it.

devastation and acute embarrassment gripped me. I sat on the sofa staring into nothing. I decided I had to call the hotel to know for sure that I wasn't imagining this.

Me: ' hello I think I've left something in the room I stayed in last night, and I'm really embarrassed.'

Receptionist: which room was it?

Me: 24

Receptionist: Is it pink and about 8 inches.

Me: Yes.

fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck.

Receptionist: Ahh, don't worry Miss Gee, we have it here and we've wrapped it up all nicely for you ready to collect.

One word: Arrgghh !!!!
Second word: typical.



http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Last night sex : (part 2)

LAST NIGHT Part 2.

OK, so perhaps I need to tell you something... I have met this guy once before. Recently. But I said nothing to you about it then; not sure why.. Maybe cos I knew I'd want to see him again and after this note if I don't see him again - then so be it.
When i first met him - I walked to the meeting place feeling shy but really fuckin pleased with myself. He's really gorgeous. OK, so it sounds shallow, I don't care. I make no apologies for appreciating that. He certainly gives my ex-boyfriend Dee a run for his money.

So, during our first date went for dinner, as we did last night before going tto the hotel for..... pudding. On to last night we'd been texting and plotting and had agreed not to talk when I got to the hotel and just, well, kiss... He's very still. I like that. By 'still' I mean he feels in control. He's calm. the kissing and touching was deliberate and not faked film-style, theatrics which is embarrassing and in my opinion contrived.. We kissed lightly, softly, at first, and I was feeling it, and IT, and it seems he was feeling it too.

Ok....Soo... my reaction to his body? (see previous note) I silently smirked, of course. What would any other heterosexual woman do, eh? My reaction to first seeing his dick? The great unveiling. It always makes me nervous. I smiled loudly. 'You're pretty amazing' I told him when I was on my knees. Now it was his turn to grin...I clambered out of my cute and sexy playsuit ( and let me tell you something at this point. I've no quibbles with my body whatsoever. I'm pretty happy with it ) - and what did i get from him in response? -Well, i got touched, kissed and stuff, you know... but no words.
I like words. I'm a writer, I love words. I like reading them, hearing them and expressing them. He told me that I'd made a good choice of outift. That's not saying anything about me though is it? And like all women you want to be admired. Of course, why would he if he's so used to people complementing him? But I'm used to people complimenting me too - but still ......

I loved how sexually neither of us was out to prove anything. It was well, the kind of sex which I don't often get. I too often get men who are trying to prove their technical ability and virtually try to bully me into cumming. Nah. Not my thing. This was more about breathing each other in, caressing, and gentle movement. As I said, he's damn sure of himself and thankfully we had a connection which was not at all forced.

OK, so there's cumming and there's cumming.I did both types. For me, I believe having an orgasm is down to the woman and the man of course plays a role, but not half as much as they like to think. One time I came, I immediately hopped off him and almost pushed him away, and i shifted across to the edge of the bed...
We were both staring at each other and truth be told I hated him a little in those moments. Until my body had calmed down. Make of that what you will. I'm funny sometimes. I hate feeling exposed like that. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, powerless and I don't like it.
Had the orgasm happened because of rigorous movements then it wouldn't impact on me in the way it did. Stuff like this, although I want it in my life, it also makes me run to the hills.

I could analyise the reasons why as you could and truth be told I don't want to. I understand myself and sex very well. And I'm aware what it does for me and to me, and I'm sexually mature enough to realise certain things about me and my responses.
Anyway... it kinda put me off my stride for a while. I just felt quiet and exposed and I didn't like it. He, of course, was all right. He isn't particularly tactile and I wasn't cos i guess we both knew what we were meeting for, both times. We were both guarded although I'm very sure he thinks he's not and the truth be told, it's not my style. I'm usually very affectionate and I hate having to hold back.

However.... although the sex is pretty special and he is a nice guy, we are very different people with slightly different values, I think.

Now, after our first date, I didn't give a monkeys about values and differences. After last night and after THAT orgasm - I've decided that since the guy has very few flaws, as since I am susceptible to attachments, I must focus on our differences and not the ecstatic sex, in order to put a stop to this. We're never going to be in a relationship. He doesn't do them, and even if he did, I suspect he'd chose a small pretty big-boobed blonde doll. He's blatantly a player, cad, and bounder, and I'm not his type of woman but I can live with it.

Besides I don't think for a moment that he could ever get me and the torment I go through, or would have an understanding that I can be intense and solemn but things are actually all right. It's just how I am. He would not comprehend how I can write a book over the period of 2/3 years and get very very little back from it. I think he'd think that was not financially worthwhile, therefore pointless.He likes stuff. I like stuff too -- but he covets stuff in a way that I don't.
Money and stuff mean very very little to me. I won't be contacting him again. Physically he's addictive - and let's not forget I have an addictive personality. Don't get me wrong - I'd like to see him again -- but I wont be chasing it and I assure you he wont be chasing me. Why would he? You should see him. Honestly, I kid you not. He can be with his pick of women and as I said, I know that I am not his usual type of girl.

Yep, he's beautiful. He's more beautiful than I am and he knows it. In fact, he's more beautiful than most people and he knows it.Physically he's flawless - and although this is very nice to look at - you know, like a piece of artwork, for me, it's not real... it's the stuff of fantasy. So perhaps, after 2 exquisite nights, that's where this guy should be kept. In a box marked 'delicious' and I should throw away the key.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUxhNWDlGts hahaha!!! :O)






http://www.missygee.com
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Last night: Sex ... (part 1)

OK...sooo..... LAST NIGHT. PART ONE: Well... I'm a bit funny about going into too much detail. I'm just gonna write this post without analysing it and see what comes out and not concern myself about who may or may not read this. OK, so last night I had a night with a man who is not only worthy of being on the cover of Men's Health, but he has been, twice, as well as gracing the covers of lots of other magazines. That's how he makes his money. Well, that and property. What can I say - he looks good in clothes. He also looks good naked. The only thing that made him look better, was me draped all over his hard body. But I think he wouldn't think this himself... But we'll get to that later...

OK, how shall I do this? Straight up facts? Or a break down of how I felt at different times during the evening?

I suspect you'll want a bit of both...

So, my friends:

Facts: Him -- white, 6'2, classically beautiful face, perfect teeth, good jaw line, strong Roman nose, greenish eyes, brown hair, tanned skin, and definition of virtually every muscle in his body...

You want more? whaaaat? Ohhhh, his penis ... Right. Well, God would be playing a cruel joke if he hadn't given this guy girth and length and a dick which is equally as handsome as his face. But I'm sure many men would think God has already played a cruel joke by giving him what he has, with regards his appearance.


We met at a hotel near where I live. So clearly as you can see this night was well and truly planned... And did it disappoint?

Oh dear.... hold on.... I'll be back in a bit to tell you more... Yes, you deserve detail, I know, I know...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6luqscLLeU&feature=related

coming together

i presume that you remember this ??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Oj0UN7VuM

Primal Scream.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yB-WeCp-Zow&feature=fvsr

My brightest star's My inner light, let it guide me
Experience and innocence, bleed inside me
Hallucinogens can open me, or untie me
...I drift in inner space, free of time
I find a higher state of grace, in my mind
...
I'm beautiful, I wasn't born to follow
I live just for today, don't care about tomorrow
What i've got in my head, you can't buy, steal or borrow
I believe in live and let live

I believe you get what you give
I've glimpsed, I have tasted, fantastical places
My soul's an oasis, higher than the sun
I'm higher than the sun

you ready for this?

if you don't love this already - you ready? 'cos you're gonna Love. It.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ak1OERLTwM&NR=1

Blue's new girlfriend text me.

So, some gossip for ya – Blue’s girlfriend or whomever she is, text me on Friday asking if I am still seeing him. What the hell ?? She musta snooped through his phone or email to get my number. I text back: ‘I don’t know you and I don’t want to hear from you, or of you, again.’

I believe that is known in the industry as a slam dunk.Yet still she text back! ‘so i take it you are then?’

I ignored her. Let her deal with her insecurities about what he feels or thinks about me. I’m not interested in this circus or anything to do with that tawdry time. I have not reason to dust down my artillery. I simply don’t care enough. I loved him, of course I did and I would gladly rush to get a blanket to cover him with if he was on fire. I'm not interested in seeing him suffer.

But after certain behaviors, I just don't continue – I thank God that I have an excellent inbuilt protective device. It’s called switching off. Completely. I went through the anger, the desire for revenge - which I indulged just a little...
What ?? C'mon - a man must know that if you screw your woman over and involve other women - there will be a retaliation. Retribution was served swiftly and quietly. He knew very soon but by that stage I'd already switched off so I ignored his attempts at communication. God, it all seems so long ago now.


So, i’m back from Yorkshire. Twas lovely as usual. Rex, my honourary dad was sweet and stubborn as ever. It breaks my heart watching him trying to do things that I can do while I’m there, but there’s a fine line between patronising him and helping. He’s got quite a lot of health issues and finds it incredibly difficult to move around and he’s in pain more often than he’s not. His obstinance prevents him from using a wheelchair permanently. Anyway, between bickering in a typically yorkshire jovial manner – we manage to get by whenever I go and see him. I like going to stay there. I feel it’s as close to being around parents and a safety nest as I can find. I have my own en-suite bedroom and when i get into the middle of the bed at night I sigh with contentment. My worries diminish when Im around Rex. His presence in my life gives me a sense of security which I otherwise do not have. It’s quite odd at times when i realise that I don’t have a familial support structure. But anyway, that is just how it is for me – and I live it as well as i can.



This week I’m going to start really thinking about doing some writing again. I’ve had a lovely break from it and although part of me is anxious about beginning again – I must. I have a love/hate relationship with writing.

I love it because I become wholly immersed in it, and I hate it because I become wholly immersed in it. I’m all or nothing, still. Most things do change – not sure if that aspect of my personality will ever. But I live with it. In the same way as Rex and I bicker in the most friendly manner possible – I also bicker with myself with regards writing. All I need to do is to try and learn to make the bickering between me and me more friendly, too.

do yourself a favour and just read this - that's all !

I saw you, A lighthouse that misleads Boats..
I saw you, changing faces like the earth, like an ongoing portrayal of Mary Magdalene by the same slowly perfecting Artist.
I saw you, an unnamed shade of fresh, young and unattainable green, Paradise green I called it.
Colours Are heard and smells are touched and the heart pours a transubstantiated ounce of pure love, funny, Love isn't pink, Love is a faded hint of blue, the same you find on old wooden boats on mediterranean docks.

Malek Eärendil Shaker

she stabbed me..

She stabbed me, her eyes already apologizing, I did not require an explanation,
I wondered if My life would start flashing in front of my eyes, I'd hate that,
I want to see her until I die.


her hand starts shaking, I take it away from the knife,
it's quite amazing that love can humanly exist, destroying all that nature dictates,
refuting all survival instincts with a walk under summer rain or an enchaining smile once upon a classroom.


I feel lightheaded. she cries, her eyes change when she does that,
I love her tears, they make her look like a brand new doll.
She wants to explain, but I already feel like it's been three years since I've slept.

Malek Eärendil Shaker

my boobs on the richter scale (according to a friend).

after my comments this morning about my boobs bouncing around Surrey... My dear amigo Pol has created this graph for reasons of mirth. Of course, it is only referring to the aforementioned boobs, and no other events involving quakes, of any kind ... Gotta admit it's made me chuckle my head off !

my love for you.

B -- you are a hallowed friend. My Family. Love. Reality. Thank you, thank you.

an email from the HOT 41 year old guy with whom i had Lunch, last week.

Remember the 41 year old HOT guy I told you who invited me for lunch? Well, I met him last week.... Below is the email that he wrote yesterday in response to our 50 minutes together.
Before meeting him I thought he was single, I'd been lead to believe that he was and not by him. Sadly, he is not.
No harm done. No touching, kissing, or anything else untoward took place considering he's married - you know what my feelings are towards that stuff... it's not for me.



'Clare
Wow, that was one hell of a lunch. Great to have met you in the flesh at last. You were exactly as I thought you'd be. It's strange, but having read your book, you really get to know someone.

I really really hope that the book/TV work goes well - you have too much energy, too much to offer, to spend your time sitting behind a reception desk. I guess that the world of TV can be a hard one to crack, but if anyone has a chance, I think that you do.

Would love to say ' must meet again for lunch soon' but being totaly honest you are too bloody georgeous, you just ooze sex. I have a lovely wife and kids and the last thing I want to do is to mess that up. I could pretend that we could sit and have a totaly platonic lunch, but I know that it is best to keep temptation out of the way. I hope that you know what I am trying to say and why I have to say it.

Anyhow, if you ever need advice or are really in the shit, let me know. We all need a friend from time to time, so if I can help, let me know, I mean it.

Take care and let me know how it's all going '


nice, eh?




http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

No smoke without Fire

bloody love this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rHNOTtShwM

Sugar Daddy

Check this:
Another woman's experience of how it is to have a Sugar Daddy:

You really should take a look. You'll be intruiged - I kid you not.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sugar-Daddy-Diaries-Fantasy-Obsession/dp/1845967666/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299501587&sr=8-1

Me. obviously... :O)

it really is baloney, poo, shite, humbug, silly and nonsensical.

I cannot do my work. I am supposed to have shit-loads done for my agent for tmrw and I haven't done it, I've barely done anything and I don't think I can. I'm fucked.

Now, if I'd allowed myself to participate in a bit of something else this weekend instead of just staring at an effing lap top willing for a burst of creativity to happen, then that might have been more beneficial. Jesus H. I need to get my bloody act together. When will I learn that trying to bully myself into getting shit done does not a productive day make.

My God... I feel I've effectively wasted a whole weekend. Doing what, I'm not even sure. I mean, if I was kissing a boy that would be a worthy reason for barely getting anything done. But I cant even hold my hands up to that. This is ridiculous. Baloney, poo, shite, humbug, silly, non-nonsensical...

Well, it's not exactly non nonsensical - I do have a purpose for all this. And as Ive said time and again an empire doesn't build its self. Forgive me for stating the damn obvious. And neither it seems does it get built by staring at a lap top, faffing around on facebook, texting friends, fiddling with youtube, painting my nails, wearing facepacks, straightening my hair, plucking, waxing and scratching my bum.

I refused to go to my friends house for a girly night of food and gossip last night for this circus. Opting as usual to 'do some work' and getting not enough done.

Right, will try again now...



http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

get with it...

if you think this song is cheesy - I'd agree. If, however, you don't like it - that's your problem :O)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS870zCCAwM

your SINGLE male friends - GIZ ONE!!

WARNING: This is no laughing matter.

This was my earlier facebook status:
'I want a boyfriend. And anyone that I already 'know' needs not apply. Sorry. If it was going to happen - it wudda already.'Soo, based on this - I have an idea. You know the website ' My single best friend'? Well, it goes something like this... Friends suggest their friends as potential... Potential what? Well, I guess that's up to the two people in question.
Something can start as one thing and end in another. However, I must admit to that realistically I do not want a casual thing. I can't do causal. it's not me, sadly. I'd like an actual boyfriend.

You may wonder why I am so open about wanting a boyfriend.... Well, why not? Why do people get embarassed about feeling human and wanting to be with someone? Sharing your existing life with another person and together creating something new. What's embarassing about admitting to that?

I think having a man would be a lovely topping to my already sweet pie. I like my life. S'nice... A boyfriend would just be a yummy extra.

I want to meet someone and I'd like you to help me make this possible. Surely you there, my friends have SINGLE male friends who are, well, quite a catch...OK, realistically, I'm going to be blunt OK. He's gotta be fit. He's gotta have something, charisma, something... it's nice if he's good looking but that's not a priority. He must be confident and absolutely not loud. Intelligent - obviosuly. Have humour and compassion amongst many other things. Oh and I like full lips and nice hands and an intensity with how he conducts life. And if we're talking real potential boyfriend material - he must be older than me. Mid thirties upwards...

Oh, an another thing - He must not get drunk every week and he defintiely does. not. do.any. drugs.Nicotine is welcome, though...

And one last thing - he's never been in jail for murder or man slaughter or for any reason to do with physically harming a person or animal. I could go on and on and on and on.... but i cant be bothered, so i won't.

Other than what I've written above, I'm open minded. OH. MY. GOODNESS ME!!! I nearly forgot to mention that he must be at least 6'2. A legitimate 6'2. Most men I've met add on at least 2 inches.

Self doubt and Waffle.

Below are the three emails I've just sent to my agent.



Email 1:

Here I've attached the first synopsis.
It's a bit long and maybe long-winded and maybe it's dull. I dunno.
it's the first attempt.
I'll await your thoughts when you are ready.



Email 2:

In fact - sorry i'm tired. I'll re-write the synopsis tmrw. The basis is there but it needs re-doing.



Email 3:

The current synopsis is too mechanical.
just thinking aloud.
I'm off now! I'm talking shite. Il be in touch tmrw.



You gotta love a bit of self-doubt. And now I have a new favourite thing to do - copying and pasting emails - beware if you send me one. You might just see it on here!

hardy har har! fat-nosed smile > :O) I'm kidding OK! (sort of) I pick and choose my battles.

An email response to a suggestion of lunch.

You've seen text rants I've sent to idiot men who've tried to get into my knickers when it's been unwanted. But below is an email I've sent to an oh so handsome fella (6'3, 41 years old, loaded, not married and FIT) who has asked me out for lunch. We've had a fair amount of contact. And yes, him being loaded is an added feature. Any woman who says otherwise is lying. Of course it's bloody stupid to go out with someone based on this alone - OBVIOUSLY. But there's nothing wrong with admitting that it adds to his attractiveness. Shallow? Whatever. It's a Fact.

I haven't yet gone out with this guy, despite wanting to. Been busy and a scaredy cat, for the most part ... So for anyone who thinks I don't respond to you on purpose - it's not like that. I don't discriminate. I'm the same all round.



' Please forgive my delayed response.It's taken me a while to get my act together due to work and having my head in the clouds. What a week this is turning out to be.
Crumbs. I hadn't realised I'd end up so busy as a result of a conversation I had with my agent the other day.
It's fab. Exactly what I wanted - but I hadn't realised I'd have so much work to do in order to do what we've proposed to do. Based on this, ideally I'd reply to emails as soon as I get them (not that i'm flooded with interesting emails that urgently need a reply, or anything. Aside from yours, of course) otherwise I get swamped and trapped in my own little world of writing and before I know it days have passed and I haven't replied! Grr!

Anyhoo... Yep, I'm around next week. And the week after, and the week after that.
Sadly I'm not about to jet off any day soon to an exotic location with a hot man where we shall lie on white sand, basically naked, staring into each other's eyes. Unless you think we should? :O) hehee...

So we can have coffee and cake or coffee and lunch or coffee and well, just coffee, at any time.'





http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

It's a Pity..

it is a pity you already have a wife..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5paJp4BUDA&feature=related

Running Away from Yourself?

trying to run away from yourself...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaOXc7b2YJ4

Daydream

Lady Jill Scott and the boy... and a yummy boy he is too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XOAStfv-v0

We're gonna cause chaos tonight. Fact.

OK tonight it’s my friend’s Hen Night. Woohoo! Never done this before. I feel this is definitely the cherry on the top of my welcome to ‘normal life’ status. Jeez – things just get better all the time!

I'm really looking forward to celebrating with her and the other girls. They’ll be guzzling champagne no doubt served to us by near-naked buff men and I’ll be sipping slimline tonic with ice and if I’m feeling really cheeky – I’ll have a slice of lime with it.

So i soon gonna dye my hair Blue-Black --- then I’m straightening it and scraping it back and putting a really long straight hair piece in it to give me a high pony tail which will go half way down my back.

I’m putting fake tan all over. I’ll lather my body is Shalimar body lotion and I’m making my eyes really, really dark – loadsa eye make up and false lashes. Not too sure what to wear yet though... I’m thinking maybe black jodhpur style leggings, and a black semi-see through but casual t-shirt and black riding style boots and my sheep skin coat.My nails are bright pink.

London, you've been warned.

Hooked, yet?

If you haven't read my book, HOOKED, then I suggest you do... I'd hate you to miss out!! And if you're a fella and don't want to be spotted with a pink and white cover, i understand so DOWNLOAD it!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Confessions-London-Call-Girl/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1298542089&sr=8-1

Someone like You...

these words and her voice will touch your soul,i betcha!

Listen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wb8IS3ZkiLs&feature=fvst

getting deleted ...

if i get deleted from facebook for a status and private message i have sent to some fucking arsehole, then so be it. I shall set up another account so please find me. I won't block or delete this person because i like to know where pricks like this are. Keep your 'enemies' close, i say.

I can stomach so much and i've been incredibly lucky with people who have shown me encouragement, decency and friendship. For this I am grateful. I have actually never had anyone except 1 person within the first 2 months of me starting my blog and facebook who has been rude to me on this level. Yep, this offender could have be ruder, but for today - I've had my fill.

Sadly, people like this give themselves away as being deeply unhappy in their own lives. No one who is okay with themselves has the inclination to try to belittle or offend someone else who is simply getting on with their life.


As i say, i shall be back again if Big Brother facebook deletes me for my torrent of abuse towards this guy.

Thank you for your very kind words of support. It really means a lot.

ViVa Facebook! and if you're not already there - find me at Clare Gee.





http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

About Me

I am a daughter, a loyal friend, a half sister to many & step sister to a few. I'm great at making coffee and eating ice-cream - preferably at the same time. I am an ex-hooker, ex-cocaine fiend, recovering alcoholic, and still a thoroughly pleasant person who is living in London. I can be a tad paranoid at times and I've been described as neurotic, occasionally, by my closest friends. So what? Some scars take longer to heal than others...

I've survived an intense journey of pain and a compulsion to self- destruct. This started with my mother buggering off, when I was five.

Later came depression, alcohol, drugs, prostitution, sugar daddies, swanky apartments, members' bars & clubs. But what goes up... Eventually this lead to my emotional collapse, then came rehab #1, then rehab #2 and the slow and desperate effort to change my life, my friends, my behaviours, my thinking, my actions, my vices, my everything. Everything had to change.

I speak about it here: http://www.inexcess.tv/?p=10246

I am a woman, a child, strong yet fragile, steardy yet flakey, I give a lot, yet withdraw into myself, i never cry at films, but will cry readily in real life. I love deeply yet i'm scared to be abandoned. Things do change - albeit slowly at times, they can change...

What now? Well, now I'm here telling you how it was for me and exactly what happened. My book which is about how I survived my shambolic life and how I managed to put a stop to it all was published MAY 6th, 2010, by MAINSTREAM PUBLISHING. See it on Amazon, Waterstones, Play.com and a number of other online bookshops as well as being availbale for download.



WARNING: Do not judge this book by its cover.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Confessions-London-Call-Girl/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1296830953&sr=8-1

HOOKED on KINDLE and available to DOWNLOAD, now.

My book HOOKED is available NOW to DOWNLOAD:


'Hooked is a graphic tale of how life as a prostitute really is and what can happen when we search for happiness outside of ourselves. It is a poignant reminder that things can always get better, as long as we remember that when it's time to leave the party, it's time.'


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked/dp/B004K6ME72/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1296828299&sr=1-2

there are always more PET HATES...

Ahhhh, i'm feeling un-grumbly this morning and it just won't do. Not when i fancy writing a list of pet hates... These types of gripes i find amusing, i don't take them seriously at all which is a good thing since I spot them nearly everywhere i go.

Take this morning for an example.
Pet hate 1:

Women that absolutley adore themselves, but not in a 'mean-faced-bitchy' way, you know those ones.... No, the ones who are overly aware of the people around them, fliritng with everyone on a train - and most offensive behaviour - POUTING. Yes, we can all see you've had fillers in your lips and now you want to try and make us believe how 'naturally sexy' you are. But sweetheart, I ain't buying it. If you were so damned sure of yourself, you'd just mind your own business and get on with your day without being desperate to attract attention. And if you think i'm 'jealous'. I make no comment about that. Think what you like.


Ooo, my silence it seems has been broken....

Pet hate 2: This one is 2 fold.

Me:'Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Him: 'Yes please. White with one.'

Right. err.... 'One?' One, what? You're presuming I know you mean one sugar. Please don't presume anything. All I'm now thinking is that you think you sound cool by saying 'with one,' and missing out the word ' sugar', when actually you sound lazy and like a twat. Just say ' one sugar' if that's what you want, okay.

Now, the second part of this gripe:

I ask you if you want a cuppa and you don't even have the basic politeness to look at me when you answer. In this case, if you DO want a drink i may not have the basic manners to keep it in the cup when i hand it to you.


Pet hate 3, before i hand over to yous:

People that answer their own phone by saying, for example: 'Clare's phone.'

WTF! I know whose phone i'm ringing. It was me that made the decision to dial your number in the first place, remember! Declaring whose phone it is that I've just called is NOT a demonstration of you being organised or businesslike - it is simply confusing.

So, here we go -- you call me: Brr, brr... brr, brr....

Me: 'Hello, Clare's phone'

You: 'Oh, hello, is Clare there please?'

Me: 'Speaking'

You: 'Right, err, hi, err...'



It's bloody confusing innit..... You KNEW you were calling Clare's phone already. It was you who decided to call it. And based on the phone that you're ringing is very likely to be a mobile, you presumed that Clare would be answering the said phone anyway. So, why the hell is Clare telling you that you're calling her phone when you already know this???

Crumbs.


What's wrong, with:

Me: ' hello'

You: 'Is that Clare?'

Me: 'Yeah' ... Then you're in business without a load of introducory confusion.

Cripes O'Reilly!




http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

I have a crush..

Final leap with my book this weekend then I'm giving myself a few days rest. Kind of. Will be resting from book work. Hope to still be busy though... We'll see. I have a crush ... ('bout time!) I'm ready ...

Where you gonna sleep tonight?

love this girl's voice - and the words bring back memories...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oG5abf-WL4U

January 16th 2011: FACTS

January 16th 2011: FACTS

1.woke up at 13.55.

2.went to meet Kat a friend for coffee and catch up.

3.Had a ham and brie and tomatoe sandwich on granary bread.

4.Had some threading done.

5.Dyed my hair blue-black.

6.had a headache most of the day and felt generally strange. A huge reduction in some tablets Ive been taking is tiring me out and making me feel slightly anxious and odd.

7.worried about my book - and my lack of progress over this weekend. Unable to concentrate on anything.

8.Think my desire for sex again has gone. For good. Its gonna take someone pretty ''WoW' to entice me out of my non-interested phase. I want to meet this person but I'm not gonna search for him.

9.Got another text of this banker guy whose been sniffing around for ages. It turned sexual - again, from his side and i've told him to stop it. It's pissing me off. I think its really rude to be sexually explicit with someone with whom you've never had sex. Call me old fashioned. I am and I'm okay with it.

10.Spoke with L on the phone. Exchanged ideas for a future project I/we'd like to do together.

11.Just eaten a lamb steak with salad.

12.Gonna straighten my hair then get into bed to read. Another early night, for me. Need to re-establish energy and focus ready for another busy week.















http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

love, books.

This second book is killing me.
I need to get the damn thing finished. It's there. It's all there - I'm just, well, faffing.

I've run out of procrastination ideas - so now I've taken to just staring at my laptop and feeling anxiety.
Why do so many writers that I know spend so much time trying to avoid it?

Oh well...

Had the idea earlier that I want to move abroad.
Trying to run but i can't hide... too must thinking about working and not enough actual work.



maybe listen to this - it's good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTIs-TBwcbk

My first time...

What a month! not the best and certainly not the worst of my life. I've been through worse and survived. So, I'll keep this as brief as possible because I intend to start writing more frequently here again. Yep, you've heard that before.

OK, first - something you should know - i have an unspoken policy - when i break up from a relationship I avoid speaking about the person and what we shared after the event. Here I will mention it because it's very relevant to what's been happening with me recently. Besides the last post i wrote here was an angry 'fuck addiction' cos i feared for my stability and sobriety and after finding out that my boyfriend has started drinking and god knows what that freaked me out and threw me into a spin..
As I stand right now - I am not currently fearing for myself. In fact I am hopeful, very hopeful.
I'm on the mend now. the lurgy is going... It's going and when it's gone I'll be ready to really focus again on finishing my second book and trying to do this documentary thing I've been trying to do.

But sadly a realisation occurred to me: My relationship with Blue has been shattered into many many tiny fragments. It is gone forever and it can never be repeated in any of its parts. It can only be repeated in memory. We are living wholly different lives. We've gone in two totally different directions. I know it's over, I've known it for a while but the extremity to which its over is sad. But with this thought I had another: I've got a gut feeling that Blue is happy. I feel that the direction his life is going right now, for him feels exciting, new and interesting. And that is quite an exciting concept, if this is the case.
I have no idea what he's doing and it's absolutely none of my business. If someone told me they could tell me what's going on with him, now, I wouldn't choose to know - but what I do know is that through this relationship I have grown up a little and I've learned to love.

For the first time I have not been emotionally dependent on the man I'm with. With Blue I was the more 'developed' in terms of self-development and getting my life together, after the havoc of addiction.

For the first time I've been aware of loving someone unconditionally. For the first time I've been more sexually experimental and open with him than I have been with anyone before. He was my first partner to know that I was once a hooker, so I was not carrying secrets. This changed more than i initially realised. For the first time, I accept with respect for him that he must go on the journey he is choosing to go on, regardless of any possibly negative consequences for him. For the first time, I am not consumed with jealousy about him being with other women. I passed this quite a while ago, strangely. I am confident in what the two of us shared to know that he cannot, as I, cannot find the same thing 'just like that'.

For the second time in my life (the first was Alex, the guy in my book) I was lucky enough to experience an utterly compelling and magnetic physical connection with someone. Together we lived a new, exotic fire-ball of sexual energy which on the contrary to feeling sad that I've lost - I am quietly smug that we had that. And what is exhilarating is the knowledge that in spite of the physical connection, if that's there or not in the future - this will not be for the last time that I love as passionately as I did Blue.

I've got a strangely good feeling about what is to come in the next months. I feel more in control of my life than I have done, ever, i think. I'm choosing to not be with another man for now. Even for something casual - I don't want it. That makes me feel calm and in charge of my life. This is the first time where my life is for me and only me and that is a massive personal development.

This is the first time ever in my life that I'm living completely independently and I'm completely single. And you know something else?

This is the first time hat I wouldn't want it any other way.
For now.



A song for ya: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7dMGw3uzEU

Light are blinding : The Streets

lights are blinding my eyes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7MCbis75wk

Interview

Interview:

http://www.inexcess.tv/?p=10246

Fuck Addiction.

I was a hooker. Sue me. I was a coke whore. Sue me. I used to have a glass with vodka in it, up to my face more often than not. Sue me. For years I did these things. I used people - they used me. I lied, cried and talked shit more than I didn't. I'm none of those things any longer. BUT if I go back to escaping from myself - I know that the mental illness that has fucked me over for so many years will ensue - and I'm unlikely to survive.
My addiction demons lie dormant when I don't abuse myself. They are always there but they are quiet. Recently I haven't been dealing well with powerful emotions and this has awoken strong urges to escape my reality.

Blue, my lover, my friend has relapsed. He's also been lying, lying, lying and continually blaming, blaming, blaming me for the break down in our communication. He's a different man to the one I've known for the past 18months.

I have been so very sad and lost the past days and coming to terms with my inability to be close to him again is a blow. If I continue in the vein I've been in over the past days I will be back to sniffing coke, drinking and selling my arse to pay for it. And honestly? I won't survive it. I have an instinct which I came upon me very powerfully 6.5 years ago when i relapsed for 8 days, that if it ever happened again - I shall not make it.

I get very emotionally sick when I drink and use substances. I do reckless, harmful and erratic things which cause huge amounts of pain. For want of a better way of putting it: a type of madness grips me and I am not accessible to anyone. I become an empty shell. I lived like this for years.

I no longer do the things that cause my life to shatter. And despite the screaming in my head suggesting that I escape my current reality by using chemicals, and in spite of my inability to sleep I have been dragging myself back to NA meetings and reaching out for help. That's exactly what I need right now. Help.

The compulsion to hide from my acute feelings of loss and sadness and anger is upon me. If I am to be anything - right now I must fight; for my sanity and well being.

I am and have been many things in my life. Right now, I am a warrior.
And did I mention that I could scream and scream and scream ?? Well, i could. I could scream the whole fucking place down at this moment.


Here's Britney:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRNivfo-MvI&feature=channel

Christmas greetings!

Say: 'tis the season to be jolly, tra la la la laa, la la la laaaa'. Now say it again without singing it.

Billie Holiday

'I'll say I'll move the mountains, and I'll move the mountains-- if he wants them out of the way ...'

Music like this give me hope as a human being.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mitLcbHHz8&feature=related

Warrior Spirit.

‎"For people sometimes believed that it was safer to live with complaints, was necessary to cooperate with grief, was all right to become an accomplice in self-ambush...Take heart to flat out decide to be well and stride into the future sane and whole."

Toni Cade Bambara.

Addicted --

The future of music: love this, her voice, the style... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoVXvh52EXQ

You want a dirty text ??

This is the text I just sent to a male friend who occasionally texts me. Recently he's started trying to get int my knickers and asking me to send him 'naughty' texts. Until today I've ignored him:

'I've gotta say this -- I know we have a laugh together and I also know you know about the content of my book - but please. I'm starting to feel that you're saying these things because of the book and I don't like that. If we were involved in something then I get that -- but since we're not, I'm kinda feeling that its a bit of a piss take. I like u as a friend but I don't send my friends photos or dirty messages. I'm 33 years old, not 17. And yeah, I've had a life but really if you really knew me and not just presume my friendliness means any more than that - then u wouldn't even send me texts like that. Look have a nice night tonight and find a woman who wants you to bang her who will send u rude messages. Its not me. Even for a laugh, I don't do that stuff.'

This is what I would have text if I hadn't been trying to be kind and diplomatic:

'I think you're a cheeker fucker for, 1. Suggesting I send you dirty texts since I've never once ever implied that I find you even remotely attractive.
2. Did you realistically expect me to find you attractive? I know its not all about looks -- but please, come on. Get off your deluded horse and don't insult me by thinking that your personality is so magnificent that you could persuade me into your bed with this alone.
You have got to be joking. And even if you'd turned up to bang me for money all those years ago.. Truthfully? I'd have sent you packing. Get a grip and stop hassling me with your stupidness. Goddit.'

Shit faced & Shit out of luck.

A friend just sent me this e-mail
What is the most functional word in the English language? Well, it's shit........That's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in theEnglish language.

Consider this:

You can be shit faced,
Shit out of luck,
Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit
Or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
Buy shit,
sell shit,
Lose shit,
find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit,
While others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, Dumb shits, Crazy shits,And sweet shits.
There is bull shit,Horse shit And chicken shit.
You can throw shit, Sling shit,Catch shit,Shoot the shit,Or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit
Or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
Or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,

Some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
Things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
Not enough shit,
The right shit,The wrong shit,Or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
Have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
ometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,It's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit,You don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit!

Me, talking about rehab with the head of WCS.

Me, and the head of my rehab talking about the process:

(COPY AND PASTE)

http://www.inexcess.tv/?p=10320

A Caged Bird.

You can keep a bird in a cage, sometimes even let it fly around a room with the window open and it will stay.
It has got so used to you pushing it back into its prison that it waits passively until you see fit to stuff it away again.
One day, as usual, you let it out of its cage and it flies towards the open window and straight outside. It bolts up towards the blue sky, fresh air and light.

It doesn't look back at you. Why? It is no longer afraid of what is outside.It tried to be a good bird while you kept it enslaved.
She sang songs and talked robotically on demand.
She kept herself pruned and clean and pretty and did everything just so you'd like her, yet you still didn't show her the love you knew such a vibrant creature would need in order for her to want to stay with you.

Your faithful pet had been questioning your motives as her owner and wondering why you wished to keep her shackled by your rigid laws. One day, and for no clear reason why it should be on that particular day, she escapes.
The cool breeze immerses your once faithful bird's lungs, and she will smile to herself as a huge sense of elation consumes her when she realises that she is free.



Gosh, it's been a while since I last wrote. I'm shorry... been a busy scatty lost elf of later. Can feel the power coming back though. It's coming and coming and I'm ready to embrace it...I'm focused once again and I've been working hard on my future.

I've haven't felt as at peace with myself for quite some time as I have over the past week. Blue and I finished, and for once, I finished it.
I did because after nearly 18 months It's only NOW that I've waved the white flag and my tolerance for being treated 3rd rate has ended. I'm not feeling much about it. I'm just enjoying the lack of stress. He was so controlling in the end that he left me with literally no place to move except backwards, away from him and forwards towards myself.

A recent interview

here a link to an interview I did 3 weeks ago...

http://www.inexcess.tv/?p=10246

Real Time ... right here, right now ...

I'm sitting on a hotel balcony in the middle of Nairobi, alone. I've left B, my friend with whom I stayeed in Lamu. We waved, and hollered as a boat took me to another tiny island on the archapelego ( don't you just love that word? i knew you would!) where i got an internal flight, here, this afternoon. I have to stay in a hotel over night cos otherwise i wouldn't have managed to get a connection tmrw morning, back to London. Not sure that's such a bad thing...

I'm not sure if I should feel a tad odd. The hotel is clean and busy, but I cant help but feel it is something straight from a 1950s film which would have starred The Great Humphrey Bogart, had he done a 'straight-to video- film, had they had videos then, and had he ever bothereed to come to 'the dark continent'.

It's actually not too bad at all.

Opposite me there is a large sign, 'Lifestyle Lounge'. Fab. I wonder if they can help me out with my woes about returning to London? Thankfully it's closed, otherwise I could have been crying into my flat pillow, on my single bed tonight after they told me that there's no hope.

I'm fearful about England's afternoons of darkness, my solitary confinement, which I guess is pretty must self-imposed, due to lazytoeragitus, and I'm concerned about 'stuff'.

The 'stuff' that's bothering me is related to my ex-lover, ex-life partner, ex-- well, just my ex. But I won't go into any of that. I don't actually know what to say on the matter. Even if you offered me a tenner I wouldn't have anything to say... but if you upped the stakes to a tenner and a packet of British Marlboro Lites, (i'm sounding like i should be in Benidorm and not Kenya,, there sorry) then we could come to some sort of arrangement. I'd spill the beans with that offer... I'm sure I could think of a thing or 50 to say on the matter, then.

I have mixed feelings many of which I cannot decipher. And so, amigos i shall stay schtum.


Using my laptop outside in the warm breeze of Africa, while smoking dodgy foreign cigarettes and drinking a tonic water, is me living my dream. I came here to write. And I have written, as well as snoozed - oh, and I got me a tan. You'd be envious, I'm telling ya! You'd tolerate this hotel for one night in exchange for the hue my skin's got right now.


I'm sitting waiting for a flight which will take me on my next lap of life. No idea what will come - who ever does, though, eh? Good things I reckon. Even if they're bad, I'll get something good from it. I will. No, I will, really, I will..!!

However, you really should see my room. This is cheapsakes-R-US. And if the truth be told I may as well be sitting here waiting for the last train to Palookaville.

.

Remember how we were so in love?

If you listen to the words to the link below -- you'll see that you've been here before. Probably more than once,if you're lucky, or not, depending on how you hear the words...

He sings:'Hold onto the momen, Love... remember how we were so in love? just hold onto that moment, love ...'

Bitter sweet.
Patronising arse.

Hear it here...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZiBF4kR...RvI


Right now I'm in a Nairobi hotel, alone, waiting for tmrw's morning flight back to London. Can't wait.
yeah right.
Back to dark afternoons, cold weather, loneliness and work, work, work...
life's good.

Sweet Musique!

You'd be doing yourself a disservice by not listening to this. Who cannot love the line: 'All I need is a little time, To get behind this sun and cast my weight.'

ViVa life!

I'm outside on a white day bed with the stars above me listing to this, alone. My friend B has gone out for dinner and I'm well, loving being alive right now!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0BRhBft-Xc

All I need is a little time;
To get behind this sun and cast my weight,
All I need is a peace of this mind:
Then I can celebrate.


All in all there's something to give,
All in all there's something to do,
All in all there's something to live,
With you ...

All I need is a little sign,
To get behind this sun and cast this weight of mine,
All I need is the place to find,
And there I'll celebrate.


All in all there's something to give,
All in all there's something to do,
All in all there's something to live,
With you ...

Today's mood in songs - don't be scared it's good!

My mood today in songs:


'What a difference a day makes.' - Dinah Washington


'She's like the wind.' - Patrick Swayze (ahem)


'Get into the groove.' - Madonna.


'Doing it and doing it and doing it well.' - LL Cooool Jay.


'Shine on' - Degrees in Motion.


'Can't keep a good biyatch down.' - Clare Gee in the mo fo house y'all !!!



.

A tale of many parts

As you may know already I'm on Lamu island, off Kenya. A world heritage site. It's a pretty island. Very small and the only transport here are donkeys. There are no cars, plenty of creepy crawlys and lots of humidity.
I'm staying with a friend. Yep, male, and yes, platonic. I couldn't be doing with any man-drama after the Blue fiasco, which is still raw and painful. Less painful now, I think. I've kinda switched off. My feelings are not accessible to me. I've had to do this. To coin a phrase used by Alex my ex-boyfriend whom I mention in my book, Hooked. I've switched off for purposes of 'self preservation'. Pompous as it sounds, it's definitely something like that.

Its turned into a weird situation which i no longer profess to have any understanding of, so I will not continue to try to. He ended our relationship. His reasons are his own and I've tried to get us back and he doesn't want to, so I surrender to what lies ahead of me. And I always try to be upbeat.

Blue emailed me the other day to say that he'd like us to 'At least be friends because it would seem odd and wrong to not even be able to communicate.'
Apparently he 'Couldn't bear to have any bad feelings between us.'

Right. So, he dumps me for no very clear reason and now this?

I suspect he'd like us to 'be friends' for his own gain... a bit of a distant security blanket. I'm a good egg, me; a loyal ally and he knows it. I won't be that 'comfortable sweater' if that's what you'd hoped for in a friendship, I emailed back.

I guess he won't feel quite so bad if we're 'friends' or at least if he's offered the hand of friendship to me.
How noble. He can keep it. It's been a very long time since I have felt this confused in a relationship - and before I combust - I've waved the white flag. I now know what he meant about 4 weeks ago when he said that he 'Can't cope.' Then he finished me harshly. Iknow, I know, he didn'tknow how else to do it, bless 'im...

So now, maybe he can cope. With what? That wasn't clear in the email. He said he has 'plenty he could say but wont in an email'. But I guess he said all that he meant - 'Let's be friends...' Ahhh... Problem is, now, it's me who can't cope. Not with this.

I'm tired, tired, tired. I've emailed him back and I've told him that i can no longer do this thing. I cannot be his friend and we need to cut all contact.

Here's a song for ya...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrjwqXwyzNU&nofeather=True

I'm outta here...

The time has come ... I'm just about to leave for the airport. I actually can't wait. I'm desperate to get out of London for a while.

I'm flying to Kenya this evening then taking an internal flight to a small island.

It's time to focus on myself. Sent the first draft of my second book to the agent as I'd intended. Now, it's my time to sleep, relax, sunbathe, forget London and write.

Back on November 23rd.

Tomorrow is the day.

I'm REALLY not showing off, OK ... I'm merely sharing with you, my dear friends, where I am going tomorrow... I know, I know... I'm having to drag myself away from London for this.

http://www.thetravelwebsite.co.uk/images/Kenya_Beach_(Small).jpg

a letter to my father after our disasterous lunch meeting yesterday.

I've thought hard whether I should post this letter which I wrote at 2.30AM last night after a disastrous lunch meeting with my father and his wife, yesterday.I've decided to post it because i've shared so much with you and also kept aside some of the realities of my relationship with my dad.I wish to stress that I will not be posting this letter to my dad. I have written it for my own benefit to try and release some of the hurt I am feeling about our failed relationship.



Dear Dad,

I no longer want to be a scape goat within your relationship. It serves no purpose in my life.It seems to me that when you met you both were understandably desperate to bond with another person. Sadly that appears to have been based on macabre feelings of victimisation, bitterness and blame towards other people for the unhappiness in your lives. Me, being top of your list, dad.

I understand that it is impossibly painful for either of you to even think about this as even being a possibility that you may have wasted years manipulating one another and me by feeding poison and disdain towards me to maintain what seems to be the main premise of your union - blaming others for all that has ever been bad in your world. And I'm the most obvious target for your sinister games considering my wayward years.I am no longer the mess that you are accustomed to and that you both appear to need me to be in order to relate to me, but more importantly, to relate to each other on the subject of me.

I am willing with love to let you both continue in your comfort zone and have no part in your lives. This, I feel would be easier for you both so you can continue your days thinking and feeling the negative way you do towards me.Like this you will not have to deal with the changes in dynamics now I am sane and I'm making an effort in my life. (No doubt you will scoff at that statement, too.)

I am now beginning to understand that in order for you both to not ever have to accept your own behaviours and attitudes, I must bale out and allow you to confirm what in your own minds you believe to be true, that I am the greatest failure in every way that a human being can be. Thankfully, I don't live my life daily feeling this towards myself or towards the two of you. Underneath an exterior of 'everything being ok', if I did think so poorly, under that exterior, I would be a lonely and bitter person which I try not to be - but this situation as highlighted at lunch on saturday is making me become increasingly despondent and angry towards both of you.

I chose to face who I am and what I became and I look to my future with hope. And more than anything I don't want to be part of some peculiar unspoken tryst between two people who have not ever taken a moment to even consider that some times they are wrong.I regret deeply the hurt I have caused you both. I must live with this legacy for the rest of my life. I know you will chose not to believe this and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change your views on this or on me. You will never trust me as I won't trust you.
I am realising this, painful as it is, I'm realising that you need me to be a mess in order to feel that you are right in your disdain of me and the majority of what i do or say. Episodes such as saturday lunch time only prove to you both that you are right. This is a sad state of affairs for me to experience my father and his wife always searching to blame me and never having the humility to look at your own part. Perhaps drinking doesn't help either of you in this.

I also understand that the better I'm becoming - the harder I see it is for *my step-mum* in particular to feel secure within your relationship since your perpetually negative views, have over the years, helped the two of you to feel 'united.' And now? Well, things are much better for me and so now your perception of me is being challenged which clearly challenges how the two of you communicate with each other about me - and that must be unsettling. Its clear that *my step-mum* is struggling with this.

As you can see I don't trust either of you, in the same way as you don't trust me. Daddy, we could have tried harder had you let go of the strings that bind you to *my step-mum*, for even an hour, so we could have been a father and daughter together over a coffee. As you're reading this I can imagine you shaking your head and telling yourself how you couldn't have done that because you're 'frightened' of me. It's time for the record to change. The reality is you just don't want to establish a healthy relationship with me, that, or maybe *my step-mum* doesn't want us to have our own relationship.I will no doubt never know.Dad, I'm sure you will be angry yet upset by this letter because in spite of all our failings we both love each other deeply. And quite predictably *my step-mum* will coax the sadness out of you and together you can once again feel villified and safe within your bitterness towards me.

If that what makes you both feel secure and happy then so be it. I understand. Believe me I see and understand far more than either of you realise.

In the spirit of me continuing my personal growth and emotional development and my desire to minimise the hurt in my life (and yes, you are not the only people that feel let down) - I think it best that something changes between us. Humility is the greatest of characteristics and I feel that I must admit defeat and retreat gracefully in order for you both to continue to be united in your habitual complaints about me.

I've often wondered how two people can so successfully avoid looking at the common denominator that has caused the breakdowns of a number of your closest relationships. But I accept that it is fear that stops you both from uniting in your sorrow instead of bitterness, for Your attitudes and Your actions towards, me, *my step-mum's mother*, *my step-mum's oldest son, his wife and their child,* * my father's brother* Thankfully *step-mum's youngest son* started talking to you again after a few years absence and for those years. There is something not right, and as usual for the two of you, somehow I shall be the cause of all of the above breakdowns. God only knows what you've told *my half brother* about me. I dread to think. But of course there is a reason you didn't encourage us to meet or have each others addresses so we could write before we finally met at your wedding vows renewal party.

One day, perhaps you will both be able to face your truths and not allow yourselves to drown in your grief as a result.I will still be there for you. We have All played a part. You, *my step-mum*, and me, and acknowledgment of this from you would have been greatly appreciated. I love you more than you will ever accept, dad, and it is tragic that you never really allowed me a much wanted chance for you to get to know the good qualities that I inherited from you.


You will be in my heart and bound to me until the day I die.



With love, always,

Your daughter,


Clare

A spot of internet dating, perhaps..?

Remember the days when people thought that Internet dating was for saddos without a life? I think, unfairly, it may still has some stigma attached to it. However, people do at least try to appear more liberal when discussing it these days. I'm sure it's generally more accepted that internet dating is not actually targeted for 'life-less' people at all. It is, in fact, a sphere where busy people can 'meet.'

OK, this is the plan ... I'm going to work my bum off, get the first draft of this second book finito, then go on holiday. When I get back I think i might check out some online dating sites. Why not, eh? I don't want top meet someone via facebook who thinks of me as 'that girl who wrote that book and used to be a hooker' ... that can come later. I'd like to meet someone who will actually know my full name, address, and, er, bra size (might come in useful, if he's feeling generous) and inside ... well, inside measurements.
A friend of mine has been living with a guy for three years now whom she met on one of these sites, and recently she gave birth to their first child. Another friend is now engaged to a bloke she met through the internet. So, it can work, it seems -so why not give it a go?
I don't go to bars, clubs, line-dancing, or to cooking classes (who'd want to meet a man at one of those, anyway!?) In fact I don't go anywhere much, being the home body that I am, so this may be the way forward. She says. I don't know. To be truthful I've always been of the belief that 'men just happen.' They usually do. But a friend said to me that I shouldn't leave it to chance. Well, maybe she's right. Afterall, I'm finding myself checking out the most inappropriate of fellas who usually I wouldnt' find remotely attractive. However checking someone out via the internet somehow feels more unreal and actually, scarey.
I'm a pretty nervous person when it comes to meeting random strangers, so honestly, I'm not sure if this would be for me. And my lack of trust in people i.e men, precedes my carnal/companionship desires.
We shall see what happens...
I think I'm currently speaking from between my legs rather than considering a real way in which I coudl meet someone for a lasting relaionship. But you never know...Right now, I'm just feeling deprived of whoopy and missing Blue and therefore maybe I'm not thinking straight.

Onward!
So, tomorrow I'm going to Yorkshire to see my dad and step-ma. I'm meeting them for lunch and I can't wait! It's his birthday soon. He'll be 81 ! blimey O'Reilly!
I haven't seen him for yonks, and this will be my last opportunity before they do their annual migration to north Africa for winter.








http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

this and that in bullet points...

■I'm happy to be free of my relationship with Blue. I feel much better for us not being in what we had. He's a nice guy but not for me. It's strange how I can be so ' in love' with someone, and then, I'm happier now he's not around.


■NOTE to future boyfriend. If I'm showing you that I want you, and by showing you I mean in the real world not virtual world or fantasy world - in reality. And if you want me - whatever you do don't play games. Please. Don't do the push/ pull thing, 'cos I'll give you everything that I am and it'll be yours to take and nurture. I'll be completely faithful to you, and to us and you will feel that you have me completly. But if you push me away, be very certain that's really what you want - cos I'll be gone. You'll be 'that guy I once had a thing with for a bit' , intil you become ' someone I kinda once knew'.


■ I want to be with a man who has the confidence to 'own' me. I'm not easy to manage, I know that. I'm emotionally high maintence, but for sure, when you have my heart and my mind - you will have something worth hanging on to and you'll know it. If I'm confident about anything, it's this. And that's not arrogance. I know my worth.


■I had a couple more tiny flower tattoos done, 2 weeks ago... love them. Very cute and feminine they are too. I'll post a photo up on here in a bit.



■Can't wait to go to the island off Kenya and lounge around daily, in a bikini, being cooked for by a chef and have my shit arranged by a house keeper. Mwah-ha-ha-haaar!! I'll try not to come back married, OK. Those of you who've read my book will knwo what i'm talking about.
(see the islands here- copy and paste)
http://www.kenyaodyssey.com/beaches-and-islands/beaches-and-islands.htm



■Gonna send my second book to the agent before I go away - and then faff around with the third one while I'm having my grapes peeled and getting fanned by young buff guys wearing nada. This next book will be entirely ficticious. Can't wait! Love a challenge. When I dictate it.


■ On Monday I was straightening my hair at home with my ceramic tools of torchure and I popped them onto my sofa for a minute. Being the scatter brain that I can be - I then sat down. Yep, on top of them. And on one side of my rump I now have a scab which will scar. Poo. Poo. And another Poo!


■I was sitting on the train this morning and this young woman, with her hood up, who didn't look at me, asked if i would mind maybe 'rearranging my legs'. Now, I am very aware of my surroundings and people, just about all the time. My legs were not in her way - but still, she wasn't 'comfortable', apprently.She was one of those people who seems highly intelligent but greatly lacks social skills. I can imagine she finds it hard to fit into society. This is not based on how she was with me. In fact she was pleasant and polite - I could just see that life won't come easy to her. And neither does it to me - but in a different way.I 'm certain she suffers from some type of Autism. Don't ask how I know that - I dont. I'm just guessing.

Anyway, so I asked her how she'd like me to sit in order for her to be more comfortable. I wasn't being at all sarcastic. I really wasn't. I hate sacrcasm. I think it's a low-base 'humour' which if not delivered carefully can be insulting, so i stay clear. Especially if I don't know someone well. Gosh, how times change. Not too long ago I'd have told this woman to 'do one' and stop being so controlling. She told me that she wasn't at all sure how she'd have prefered me to sit but she just knew that she felt, err, as though she'd like me to alter how I was sitting.Right, OK. I couldn't help but grin - but I tried really hard not to let her see me. This woman blatantly finds interacting with people difficult. And I felt as though I could possibly have been a human Guiness Pig suggested to her by her therapist so she could practice asking for what she wants and not being afraid of speaking up.

Anyway ... no harm done. Enjoy your day mon amores!




http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

just another day ...

I'm going to bed with a book, a smile and some naughty thoughts...

Ooo, what a difference a day makes. I seem to have good powers of rejuvenation. Lots of experience, you see.

It's raining men!

'I'm gonna stay home and let myself get absolutely soaking wet!' Soon.... Soon....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBlbPw7WAqM

The greatest escape.

I am in pain. Heart wrenching, all encompassing pain. I feel isolated. I met Blue. I felt his love,felt rejection, felt his pain and felt his compassion. Initially i was stoic, later I broke down.I sat on the floor, in a corner with my legs tucked under me, as I did as a five year old when mummy left me.

My child like search for love has ended in suffering. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and wanted to scream and scream and scream.
However untrue, I feel alone on this planet and at times such as this i feel my demons are beckoning me.
I will take a short break from here while I regroup. My thoughts are getting unhealthy and I'm beginning to mistrust the potential of my feelings.

I yearn for the deepest and longest of sleeps. The perfect escape, free of dreams, free from this pain and free from the constant question - why? why? why?

..... well, why not? And still, this reality brings no comfort.

Weak

Weak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL_5LF9Ph9U

Lost in time I can't count the words
I said when I thought they went unheard
All of those harsh thoughts so unkind '
cos I wanted you

And now I sit here I'm all alone
So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home
A circle of angels, deep in war
'cos I wanted you

Weak as I am, no tears for you
Weak as I am, no tears for you
Deep as I am, I'm no ones fool

Weak as I am
So what am I now I'm love last home
I'm all of the soft words I once owned
If I opened my he heart, there'd be no space for air '
cos I wanted you

Weak as I am, no tears for you
Weak as I am, no tears for you
Deep as I am, I'm no ones fool

Weak as I am 
In this tainted soul
In this weak young heart Am I too much for you

Weak as I am
Weak as I am
Weak as I am
Weak as I am, am, am

Weak as I am
Am I too much for you
Weak as I am
Am I too much for you

Weak as I am
Am I too much for you
Weak as I am
Am I too much for you
Weak as I am

i need your help ...

So, you may or may not know that I have written a second book. It is the conclusion of my first book, Hooked.
I am unsettled on a title and I'd like your input.
I don't want to load this question so - I'll keep it simple. The 2nd book is about rehab and changing.
Which name do you prefer: UNHOOKED ... or .... REHAB ?? Or other suggestions...??

Please email me your thoughts: missy_gee@rocketmail.com

Thanks a zillion.

Big kiss.

My Epiphany.

OK, so I put as my Facebook status this morning that late last night I had an epiphany.... well, I did.

I’ve realised that somewhere along the line I stopped seeing Blue as an addict in recovery, but rather selfishly, as a man, my boyfriend, who wasn’t giving me what I wanted when I wanted it.
Bizarrely and rather embarrassingly I seem to have totally cast aside the fact that he has suffered and continues to suffer the same emotional hardships ( and probably more, since he’s at an earlier stage in his recovery process) as I have done and do.

Now, this is the bit that I feel really bad about...

For want of a better way of putting – I am a little further down the recovery path than Blue – and for me to have wanted, expected, and hoped that Blue could and would to be how and where I want and need him to be, in order for us to be together, is highly unrealistic, totally unfair and incredibly selfish.
Ooops.

There I am after 6.5 years of sobriety expecting someone who is 2.5 years into their recovery to be ahead of where he naturally is. I feel bad about this. I wonder where inside me this pushiness has come from, but I’m not going to analyse it. I’m not perfect. I’ve made a mistake yet my intention was never bad. I must just let go of any ideas of us being in any type of relationship other than friendship - and finally I now feel that I am able to. Something has clicked and I realise what has been happening and with that come relief and some peace.


http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

A blue roller coaster ride.

God, it's been a while. Again, I've been absent. Well, only partially. On Facebook I've been trying to stay around - but this blog has been somewhat pushed to the side because of working on my second book. That, plus I've been riding on a mostly unpleasant roller-coaster ride with Blue.

Yep, no surprises for you there then, eh? What can I do? That is a rhetorical question by the way. I love him. I want us to be together. Does he love me? Yes, I'm sure he does. Does he want us to be together? Well, this is the question...

I believe he wants us, but he feels that he cannot cope. I hate that expression 'I can't cope.' It reminds me of my father's words to me when I was younger, and I kept continuously hurting him. Those words really cut into my heart.

Blue has been through the same shit as I have, in terms of drugs. And he is going through a change process, just like me.The difference is he's 2.5 years in. And although the process is the same - because I've been abstinent now for 6.5 years - there is a discrepancy in our own personal developments.

Recovering from an addiction encompasses far, far, far more changes than simply stopping using drugs and stopping drinking.That's the easy part. Anyone can do that.
However, there must be an inherent change in ones thinking, lifestyle, behaviours, friends, everything.

Everything changes and everything must change. Well, in a situation like what Blue and I came from, then everything must change. Neither of us had partners, children, careers or any form of stability. So we both have started our journey's at ground zero.
Changing ones whole life is a terrifying prospect - especially when you don't know what the hell you're walking into. You have no skills, no 'clean' friends, no settled home, a family that is heart broken by past behaviours.

There's so, so many questions and fears around the future. What will happen with basics such as housing? work? Arrgh - work! What's that? What will I do? What can I do? what about day-to day activities?
Fuck, it's hard. And on top of the practicalities - one must deal with their exaggerated emotions which seem to swing from one extreme to another. For years, you're numb - and then bang! you come to life, and its frightening.

All this takes years to re-align. And that's where Blue is - still re-aligning. All recovering addicts and alcoholics are continually vigilant about their behaviours. But after a few years this becomes more habitual and less of a struggle. As routine, structure and personal confidence grows then day-to-day life and emotions start to balance, more and the frustrating thing is that there is nothing except determination and time that can speed this process up.

Ahhh, well, no one said it would be easy. And they were right.



http://www.missygee.com
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

'Cunt.' -- noun or verb?

Word for the day: Cunt. Was good enough for D.H.Lawrence - It's good enough for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJfbiPcpejM

blur - the end.

the end - blur.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZFjaN0GXrc

I know I'm in love when ...

Sometimes I just want to look at him.
Touch his cheek with my hand.
Smell his hair
Tug his nose with my fingers.
I caress one eyebrow with my thumb
Admire his tiny ears.
He sits quietly.

Sometimes I just want to look at him;
At the creases in his skin.
Feel the texture of his hair.
Appreciate the pores on his nose
stroke the downy hair on his ear lobes.
And say not a word.

Sometimes I just want to look at him;
I watch how he does things.
The manner in which he places his foot on the ground.
Cradle the marks that life have left.
We are silent.
I want nothing more than his company.

Babooshka

Kate Bush
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot3cVY1JESQ

'... I sniff cocaine, and when I do that ... I swap my snatch for cash'

My Book, HOOKED.
Product Description'I love drugs. I love getting drunk. Better still both at the same time. It helps me to forget, faster. I am an addict and I always will be. But when I drink, I sniff cocaine, and when I do that, well, I swap my snatch for cash'. In "Hooked", reformed addict Clare Gee draws on her own experiences of cocaine addiction, alcoholism and prostitution in telling the sensational story of a woman living on the edge. Emotionally scarred by having never known her mother, Katie escapes to London and immerses herself in a seedy world of drugs, drink, and sex, chasing happiness in the pubs and clubs, and snorting cocaine in private members' bars with her rich punters. Finding herself in a cycle of prostitution and unable to break free, she turns to drug smuggling and becomes embroiled in a bigamous marriage in an attempt to secure some emotional stability. From this dark emotional pit, Katie starts her painful journey back to 'wellness' and attempts to rid herself of her addictions for good. Hooked is a graphic tale of how life as a prostitute really is and what can happen when we search for happiness outside of ourselves. It is a poignant reminder that things can always get better, as long as we remember that when it's time to leave the party, it's time.


About the Author
Clare Gee was born in Africa in 1977 and was sent to live in North Yorkshire with her English father when she was five. Aged 16, she moved to London, where she descended into a life of drink, drugs and prostitution. After a period of rehabilitation in 2003, she rebuilt her life in London.


http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

Pink Maggit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJfbiPcpejM

I'll stick you a little
Enough
To take your oxygen away
Set you on fire
'cause I'm on fire
And I'm with you,
Alone,
I'm so into this whore
Be afraid
I might lose her so forget about me
Because I'll stick you
Pushed back to square
Now that you've kneed her
In the throat
Well there you go
Cause back in school
We are the leaders
Of all so transpose
Or stop your life is what you do
All you are to me is meat
Now pass the flask

Yorkshire Blue.

Hello amigos.
How the heck are ya, eh? Me, I'm feeling odd, you probably already know that. I feel harassed, temperamental, tense, fed-up... Shall I go on? OK then, I will... I've also been feeling despondent, headachy and ...

Oh God, it's wearing me out all this negative twaddle.

HUMPH.

I had a gorgeous weekend in the Yorkshire. Relaxed, scratched my arse and did very little.

Blue and I are just as much of a farce now as we ever were. We're very different people and that's that. He's very difficult to understand, for me and I wish he'd make things easier for us. I've got barriers up. I'm joining him. Now we both have them up. Yep, I know - see how far that gets us. This isn't a strategy on my part and neither is it on his. It's just how it is.

There are no plans for a future together and as he frequently reminds me he's an 'individual'. You'd think I'm asking him to carry me on his shoulders while he wades down the length of the Amazon. His lack of communication and unemotional persona is boring me. I love him, I do, but ... I feel my energy zapped when I'm around him because he is so - what's the word...? On a plateau. He has little zest and excitement for much. I'm more bubbly than this and I feed off his subdued spirit and it makes me unhappy.

All I want is a companion. Someone who loves me and I love them with whom I can enjoy life. Oh, I don't know...
I'm sick of hearing my own voice trying to encourage him to do liven up. Either he doesn't want to be like that around me or it's not in his nature to be upbeat. Whatever his reasons for his demeanour that's his business. If i say something he accuses me of complaining.

So now I'm not saying anything. Not a word.



http://www.missygee.com/

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

My baby

My book, My story, My words...


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260881340&sr=1-1

Hugs not drugs.

Live with Me

listen to this loudly if you can ... you hear the hypnotic drums better that way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAPY1xREzqo&ob=av2n

Mick Jagger

old habits die hard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9lkga4yF1Q&feature=related

Hooked, a review by Precious Williams

Ooo check this review about my book written by Precious Williams the author of PRECIOUS.

http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/119599765

you've GOTTA see this!!

If you do nothing else in your life, PLEASE watch this and laugh your head off!! Comdey genuis! i love this guy so, so much!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VC-pvJ-2KQQ

Do you Juggle ??

Oh Jesus - I don't know what's going on with me and not writing posts these days. Shorry amigos. I'm not being lazy - really I'm not; even though laziness is inherent in my character - on this occasion I'm not guilty 'Y'honour.

'Can't you juggle?' SomeTV-executive-type friend asked me recently when i hadn't done something for him in the time he wanted it.

'Juggle what?' I asked knowing full-well what he was implying.

'Well, can't you do this .... blah-de-blah ...' (I wont say what it is cos I don't want to sound more of a cock than I already do - after the 'TV-exectutive,' reference. Cudda been worse - I could have said TV-exec. Grr!) and your second book at the same time? You can't juggle the two?'

'errr, well, actually, I AM juggling, S. I'm in the process of completing a second book and working full time. I get up at 7am, and get home at 7pm - then i try to clear my mind to start writing. At some point I need to eat, have a bath or my second shower of the day and maybe unwind even just a little. So based on this you must understand if juggling more, right now seems quite a feet. I will work on the blah-de-blah in the next two weeks.'

'fair enough'...



So that's where I'm at. Very little blog writing going on from this side, simply because I haven't had the energy. My obssession with UnHooked has truly taken hold and to be truthful I find it draining at times. But I don't know how else to be with it.


Other than the above .... Well, you know I'm seeing Blue again, right? We've just spent the weekend together; the three of us. Me, Blue and my laptop.

I'm so reluctant to say anything much about Blue and I. Our track record (as I'm sure you're aware of) hasn't been one of stability and in spite of this, I'd really appreciate no comments about our decision to try again. The fact is we're both in love each other and have been for the time we've known each other. And that's how it is. For today.




http://www.missygee.com

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1

La Dolce Vita.

I want to go to Capri.
I want to be driven in a 1950's open top car while wearing a Hermes scarf, Chanel sunglasses and imagining I'm in La Dolce Vita.

New Twitter page

Follow me on my NEW Twitter page: @claregeeuk

oh and my friend did these photos for me - good,eh!

I gots a new obsession.

I've just something which is so typically me, it's embarrassing. OK, i've just bought some shoes. Nah - that's not the 'typical of me' thing I've done. In fact, I rarely buy shoes or clothes or make-up. I'm not at all a fashion idioliser or very girly despite knowing how to put together a decent outfit.
Did I also mention that I've very modest?

Anyway, I'm blabbing (as usual)
So, mi amigos, I've bought these shoes simply beacuse I think that they give the impression of a continental style. You know, that well-to-do Italian, preppy thing.
And now (this where it becomes embarrasing. Or should I say - more cringe-worthy) on a whim I've decided that I shall become a follower of the said image.
What a twit!
God. Help. Me. Please.

How long this will last is anyone's guess. My bet starts at it lasting for, errr, around 3 days...

I'm just sitting here thinking that these shoes match my new chic hair-do, and thoughts like this only serve to confirm the delusion that I am indeed turning into a French or Italian Fashionista.

I do this all the time. Especially with men and a new romance. I like the guy. Think about him an unhealthy amount. We text and contact each other more than represents 'normal.' I'm with him as much as is possible within the realms of maintaining work comitments - and then - bang! My intense passion diminishes to unusually meagre proportions considering days before I was ready to marry the guy.

I wonder how long it'll be until the same thing happens to my dearly beloved shoes which we have gathered here today to appreciate. Not only are these shoes currently bringing me great joy, but they have also enhanced the very real possibility of me welcoming a new style into my life.

*ahem*

Gee, you're a twit. fact.

MeNoKinky A.K.A. Clare ... deal with it.

I'm not into swinging, I'm too insecure. I don't do women, I'm scared of what I don't know. I don't use chains, cains, crops, rubber, rope, or a paddle - unless I'm rowing, and it's been a while since I did that, it's gotta be said. I'm not looking for a slave, or servant or to use another subordinate for an ego trip - but thank you for considering me. I don't want a master or a mistress or even a modern 'basic' such as anal, for that matter... So what type of 'open-minded' woman am I?

a) I'm not. b) I'm true to myself.

Now, read the above again and remember that I was once well, you know... out there.

Does that seem odd to you?
Do you expect a woman who was once, or is currently a prostitute to behave sexually in certain ways? I think even I do, to some degree... We all judge, right? Even when you've been in similar situations.

It's not P.C. or sexy to admit that you have pre-conceived ideas of what a person does or how or why they do (or have done) what they do, or don't.

Judgement doesn't have to be a bad thing as long as it comes with a healthy dollop of open mindedness.




http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260881340&sr=1-1






http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hooked-Survived-Prostitution-Londons-Nightlife/dp/1845966031/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252794549&sr=1-1